John David Booty could write a book: It was only a week ago when we were talking about sending Tarvaris Jackson down river to some forgotten land on a flaming boat and giving his roster spot to the self anointed future of the franchise, John David Booty. But holy shit, Booty, you looked spectacularly horrible on Friday night against third stringers. I figured that expectations wouldn’t be on you to perform, and that Childress had adopted you as his next pet project at quarterback, so you had a roster spot all locked up. His hang up on losing another QB to waivers guaranteed that you’d stick around, uttering your nonsensical musings and everything! I thought Sage would stay too because he dipped his Iowan hands into the Vikings’ pockets and took out some money for the next few years. Jackson was out, for so many reasons. Until you, Booty, decided to play like a Pop Warner quarterback who also splits time at defensive end. Your interception to Octavien that was returned for a touchdown was so terrible I thought I was watching my sister throw against the Raven’s Super Bowl defense, and she’s got an awesome fucking arm, John. And so there you go. After 31 more teams decided that you weren’t an upgrade at their quarterback position you find your new career as a scout team quarterback. At least you won’t have to pack your belongings for another year.
So can we all shut up about how Booty is the next Tony Romo? Seriously. Viking fans are retarded some times, but I guess a lot of sports fans are retarded. So, due to the bell curve phenomenon, finding some blind Kool-Aid drinkers among the fan base shouldn’t really be a surprise. But I hope that after Booty was skipped over by 31 other teams that we can put to rest that he’s the next big thing at quarterback for the Vikings. He’s not. Think about this; the Raiders decided he couldn’t help them at their position. The Patriots felt that they were better off having only rookie free agent Brian Hoyer as Tom fucking Brady’s back up instead of claiming a second year guy like Booty. The Packers, the Broncos, the Panthers, the Bengals, the Bills and the rest of the lot all decided that Booty wasn’t worth a roster space. So why should the Vikings? If I have to hear one more Vikings fan get upset because Booty isn’t getting a fair shot to win or learn the quarterback position I am going to punch a baby panda bear, I swear to God. Think about this too; the man that was backing Booty up at USC, Mark Sanchez, is going to walk into the season with the Jets as the starter. Booty is a practice squad QB. It’s over people, let him go.
PJD’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval – Darius Reynaud: I really wanted to give this award to Ian Johnson as he scored two touchdowns which made the game close. But despite his play he was fighting against a mob of angry fanboys at a Star Trek convention for a roster spot at the running back position. All he could do was win himself a place next to Booty in the practice squad backfield. Which is where he should be right now, to be honest, and that’s fine. But it’s not deserving of this most fantastic stampage. Only the hottest of Mexican whores get this award. So instead, that honor goes to Darius Reynaud this week who may have secured his own roster spot with the punt return on Friday. The emphasis put on special teams this offseason was obvious with players like Brinkley, Onatolu, Abdullah and Sanford making the team simply because they can bring the wood like a horny prisoner. But Reynaud brings an extra dynamic, both as a receiver and a returner, and made it real hard for the Vikings to put him on waivers. And it’s that kind of tenacity, refusing to take no for an answer, and forcing what you want that will get a player on the team the Mushroom Stamp of Approval from me. For obvious reasons. Like, you know, rape. Hm? 
Oh, by the way, it’s a game week now: Just so you know, in case you’ve been outside this entire summer doing something productive, NFL football starts this weekend. Yes, THIS WEEKEND. Can you believe it? I don’t even know what I’ve been doing with myself during this whole time. Watching baseball? Fuck. Baseball blows. The Twins have been beaten like a ginger kid on the playground this whole summer. And it’s so fucking difficult to try and convince myself that they’re worth watching. I’ll tell you this, once Mauer wises up, he’ll look fucking awesome in pinstripes. Book it. But, hey, let’s not worry about such trivial things right now; we’ve got a trip to Cleveland coming up this weekend and a team cutely named “The Browns” to wax. So, back to football.
Oh yeah, Texas, go get fucked: Have you ever been to Texas? It sucks, especially the Dallas/Forth Worth area. I don’t know how anyone could live there. There is no water for miles and miles. The highways look like newly built engineering feats that you’d see in a Time Magazine spread from 1967. Their frontage roads suck too. It’s actually not a frontage road, it’s an on and off ramp that all of a sudden turns into a highway where you find a drunken Klan member barreling down on you from out of nowhere. What is wrong with you people? Your road signs are horrible as well, and your construction in Arlington has been going on longer than Jeff Garcia’s homosexual ambiguity. And I hate your stupid accents. You think a Minnesotan accent is bad? Well, it is, but everyone talks with that five gallon hat wearing crap fest lingo. It’s nauseating. If I never have to fly over your state again it’ll still be too soon. Enjoy your last place finish in both divisions, Texas teams. Nothing makes me happier than watching your state be relegated to the “Forgotten Mexico” for a year.
Greg Coleman’s solemn finish to the preseason: “*sigh* Well fans, despite a bunch of great character guys on this team, and lots of biting and clawing and hair pulling, they just weren’t able to pull one more win out. The loss to Dallas was just a devastating loss, one of the worst I may have ever seen in Vikings history, and as I walked through the locker room after the game you could just see such a sense of hurt, of defeat, even a bit of suicidalness. It was horrible, like walking the trenches of the Second World War. My heart aches, seeing these young men pour their soul onto the field only to come up short. *chokes up* I just … I just know that there aren’t enough words to describe the pain these young, amazing men, are feeling but there is still hope fans, still hope. Never give up hope. I can personally guarantee you that this team will come back next week and leave their insides on that field, once more, if it’s the last thing they do, because *sniff* … because these are good people! And they love this game! … What? It was only a preseason game? … It doesn’t matter. It hurts just the same. *cries*”
We’ll see you again Friday for a real game preview, one that matters for the team anyway, as the Vikings go to one of the worst cities ever, Cleveland, Ohio, to beat the shit out of the hapless Browns. Get through your week somehow, readers.
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