We finally made it gang! … wait, that sounds awfully campy. Let’s try this; FUCK YEAH FOOTBALL IS HERE AGAIN! Better. But also douchey. Anyway, yes, football is back this week! We are officially in a game week as the count down until Sunday for Viking fans starts ticking. The fluster of Brett Favre drama is simmering down, the two-a-days of training camp are behind the players and the painful Sundays of MLB are a forgotten nightmare. But before the season can start one Viking players needs to get his whirlwind of a weekend off of his chest as John David Booty, newest expendable quarterback to all 32 NFL teams, chimes in with his roster cutting and waiver wire experience…
“PHEW man, holy sun soaked Song Girl tears I am tired after this crazy weekend I just went through you wouldn’t even believe how nerve racking it was for me but let me explain it to you as best as I can. You know how on a Friday most people get off of their job, and are all excited to maybe go to happy hour and have a martini, or no wait, like a beer or something because I think that’s what is usually available at happy hour that is any good unless you like to drink rail drinks of booze but who likes to do that? Nobody, that’s who unless you’re just broke because the job you just got off from pays you poorly and you can’t afford any of that top shelf drink like I could when I was at USC at they were paying me to be their quarterback and me and Reggie Bush would just go get wasted off of the best Courvoisier and aged whisky that you could ever imagine! I mean, the shit was so good it would for real make my nose hairs curl something fierce that it would freak my girlfriend, or wife now I should say, I always forget that, out because she thought it looked like a mustache that a French dude would wear sometimes! I thought it was so funny.
But not funny like my Friday after work, because that wasn’t funny at all, because I didn’t get to happy hour or look forward to an awesome first weekend of college football because I was wringing my hands the entire weekend trying to figure out what was going to happen to my roster spot after that old man Favre came in and became the unquestioned starting quarterback with the Vikings and he even stole my number, which I guess I don’t care that much about because I use to wear 10 in college but some other old fogey had 10 with the Vikings so I couldn’t have that so I asked myself, “well, out of all of the other numbers available on this team, what is the only one that a quarterback would wear that no other player out there is famously known for?” and I thought, “Of course, Favre, right!? I mean, he’s not going to come back and play again, he’s retired so many times he has to stay retired for sure this time, I’m sure of it” and I wasn’t right so I had four for a year and then he came this summer and took it so I took … nine or something because I just drew it out of a hat.
I was so nervous though this whole weekend that all I could do was smoke pot the entire time so that I could try and relax and forgot about maybe getting traded, or cut, or put on waivers, or skewered, or eaten alive by flesh eating maggots, which I think I saw once on the Discovery channel really late at night after a huge bong load that I shared with Percy when we were debating the worse ways in the universe to die, and although his idea of exploding in space sounds pretty bad, I have to say that anything that you experience on Earth has to be the worst, because if it’s on Earth than anyone may have it happen to them whereas not everyone has been to space, like I have when I get real stoned, so it’s not as frightening to everyone out there that they may die in a vacuum cleaner, or however Percy described it. That night though I thought I would just die from disappointment when I got that call from my agent and he told me that the Vikings had elected to cut me and try to sneak me through on waivers to their practice squad and I told my agent “No way, brah, this sucks! I am going to have to file for unemployment because I don’t have any other marketable skills besides being an editor for High Times by coming up with and sharing some of my best conspiracy theories” and he said to me “Don’t worry, brah, I’ve had like every team in the league call me in like the last two minutes asking you to be their starter I shit you not” and I couldn’t even believe him so I said “Don’t be joking with me man, I am so high right now that I can’t even tell the ceiling from the windows, so if they really said that be honest with me” and he said “Oh, wait, I’m really high too, I said starter but I meant starter on their practice squad not on their official roster” and then I said “Well, if it’s just there can I stay with the Vikings because I’d hate to pack up and move and everything when I’m this stoned” and he was like “I totally hear you, dude, let’s stick here where the weed is bomb” and then we both said “GNARLY AWESOME” and hung up.
So here I am still in Minnesota and enjoying just hanging out and realizing that I may have the best of both worlds now because I don’t have to file for unemployment, cut my costs by shopping at Cub Foods instead o Kowalski’s now, I can still go shopping at Nordstrom’s instead of TJ Maxx, and I won’t have to cancel my DirectTV subscription, which is a plus during football season anyway, but especially now because I’ll have so much extra time from being on the practice squad, but I just keep thinking to myself, how do you poor, unattractive people live like this, because even though I’m not unemployed, I still haven’t tracked down that million dollar contract yet either, so I just wonder, am I going to have to start taking the bus to work now, or at least by a car with like 20 miles per gallon on the highway instead of 15? Being broke sucks, dude, but you can bet that I won’t cut my cost on that high end weed man! Haha, awesome.”
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