Since taking over the General Manager operations of the Minnesota Timberwolves in May, David Kahn has been a refreshing and straight forward front office sports figure that most Minnesotan fans are not used to. Going into the first game week of the NFL, Coach Brad Childress has been the exact opposite of Kahn, playing his cards close to the vest and hiding his Pandora’s Box of injury information inside of a windowless room, wrapped in an enigma. For one day though we decided to have the media interview David Kahn with their questions about the Vikings and as was expected, his answers were alarmingly poignant…
David Kahn enters into the media room and sits down eye level at a coffee table with a bottle of purified water. He waits until the media chatter dies down to begin.
David Kahn: Hello everyone. I am sure it is a bit of a surprise to see me here at a Vikings press conference but I came here today to honestly just try something different and answer your questions with transparency and honesty. So, let’s shoot. What do you guys got for me today?
Reporter: Uh, David, we were going to ask some questions of Coach Childress about the big secrecy concerning who will be the second string quarterback. At this time, we haven’t heard one thing or another about who will be the immediate option behind Favre, and Coach had previously said that a decision won’t even be made until game time. Is that still true or what information can you provide about this?
DK: I can tell you this. There has been a decision made as to who will be the second string quarterback by Coach Childress for this weeks game and into the foreseeable future. At this time, it is Tarvaris Jackson.
R: … Really? You’re just going to tell us like that?
DK: Look, there’s no competitive advantage that Cleveland can gain from knowing who will be the most likely person to not see the field come Sunday. They know that Favre will be the starting quarterback and they are game planning for him. They also know that they are going to be losing on Sunday. Now, if we tell you, the media, the fans or Cleveland who will be the second string quarterback, it doesn’t matter. Chances are that the individual in question won’t see the field at all. So I feel very comfortable telling you exactly who is penned in as the second string option.
R: Wow, ok, great. That’s something we all really wanted to know. Do you have any idea what the game plan will be? I mean, are any of the plays scripted to begin the game, or do you know if any of the coaches are expected to feature a single player on offensive, or defensive I guess, at all?
DK: Of course. Those are all things that, as a coaching staff, you have to prepare for before the game. Now, I am guessing you are probably used to the company line that the game plan is to score more points than your opponent.
*weak laughter*
And while I promise you that this is indeed the plan for Sunday with the Vikings coaches, I’ll go even further and mention how they plan on scoring more points than the opponent.
R: Really? Ok, great! Let’s hear it!
DK: Well, the Vikings will primarily feature running back Adrian “Purple Jesus” Peterson against the Cleveland Browns front seven, sometimes front eight. When the defense begins to game plan against that, we will adapt and change, like a coaching staff and organization should and look for new ways to strike. With eight opposing players attempting to attack Peterson, we will back them off and make them pay through successful short to medium range passes that will be opportune for our receivers to beat their one-on-one assignments and accumulate large amounts of yards-after-the-catch. We will continue to mix and match these opportunities successfully in order to score points against Cleveland.
Defensively, we plan to utilize our larger and more experienced defensive line to apply pressure to their quarterback, regardless of which one they plan on starting. While they continue to remain immaturely noncommittal on a starter, our team feels that regardless of who takes the opening snap that we have a game plan that is fool proof for either quarterback. Look, it’s not as if one player is Michael Vick and another is a Peyton Manning. Their both essentially Gus Frerotte’s in the pocket, and the way the two quarterbacks play their game in Cleveland is very, very similar. Yes, we feel very confident that we are prepared for whoever they throw at us.
R: Wow, that’s really straight forward. Can you tell us what the coaches are planning for their first offensive play?
DK: Of course. It’s not going to be any surprise, and we fully anticipate that our players have been coached better and are mentally and physically better than the opposing players, so I see no harm in sharing this information. Again, we’re just trying to be honest and transparent today. You can expect a run to the left tackle for approximately three yards by Peterson.
R: Of course! Man, and you’re not worried about Cleveland having all of this information?
DK: Look, guys, let’s all be honest here. The Vikings are a better team. The Browns can game plan all they want, but when you see an ice berg coming at your ship there’s no way to stop it from sinking your passengers. If something is just physically dominating you’re left to just take the brunt of the attack. And I’ll say it again, like I’ve been saying it all along; we are simply better prepared than the Browns and the team will show that Sunday.
The door into a nearby hallway opens up and Brad Childress walks into the room.
Brad Childress: Alright fellas, enough of this guest appearance. Thanks David, but I’ll have to take things from here before you share any of the game plan I have set and showed you during practice today. Anyone have any questions? And no, I’m not fielding any about the second string quarterback situation.
R: Uh, no, I think this interview is over. Childress, you’ve just been Kahn’d.
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