Holy shit that run was awesome: Oh, hey. Did you watch the game on Sunday? Hm? Oh, me too. Yeah, I heard that the Vikings played against the woeful Cleveland Browns in Ohio on Sunday. The Vikings also had this quarterback that people seem to know a lot about start for them this week. But everyone forgot about the Old Silver Fox when a certain running back FUCKING DEMOLISHED that shitty team with the most epic run I’ve seen for a touchdown. Holy shit, that was awesome, and people, people … we are only in week one! Think about that! We just saw one of the most balls to the wall run ever from any running back in the game, and we have 15 more games of this epicness! My favorite part was when the safety, or whoever that unfortunate soul was, forced PJ to actually stop running just long enough for him to turn around and punish his ass straight into the ground. Holy embarrassment. That guy looks like a total asshole now and Purple Jesus is being talked of as the greatest running back ever. Welcome to the highlight reel, Browns players. You all just got the football equivalent of being posterized, or more graphically tea bagged in what may have been the best way to ever open a season. Thanks for playing and we hope you enjoyed Purple Jesus’ Three Hours of Terror.
21 other teams are maybe really stupid: Harvin looks legit. And not like, “Oh I’m holding out hope that you don’t break my fragile little heart, Troy Williamson” but more like “Holy gang busters, this man-child is going to abuse defenders all season long”. I think this is for real, like this rape charge I have. His debut couldn’t have gone much better. Harvin’s benefit to the team on kick returns was apparent, where he had three pretty nice returns at least past the 20 yard line and came close to breaking one or two of those. You know he’s good for a back breaking return at some point this season. Also, despite his injury and character concerns that made him drop all the way to the Vikings in the draft, Harvin couldn’t really do much else to make fans stuff all of their concerns under their sweat stained pillows. He catches the ball well, is tough as a male bull, and convinced the coaching staff he was NFL ready enough during the offseason that they kicked that retread Bobby Wade to the curb. So, at the very least, Harvin is better than Wade, but any idiot could have told you that, which is exactly why I told you that.
PJD’s Mushroom Stamp of Approval – Purple Jesus: I know, I know … I already said that I wouldn’t give the Stinky Stamp to Purple Jesus because it’s expected that he’d get it every game, but how can you not after this week? He just went on to break week one records for the Vikings in rushing yards and touchdowns (which is just about as interesting of a stat as how much slices of white bread I can stuff into a glass of water) and, as stated, scored the most badass touchdown I’ve seen in a while. Here; I’ll give that touchdown run the Stamp of Approval itself, because it goes in the record books, right next to the “Hey San Diego, thanks for being my bitch today” and “We’re all laughing at Chicago because you played Purple Jesus 11 on one and still lost”. Quite the resume, if you ask me.
A quick shanking around the NFC North: Welcome back to the NFL Lions fans, as all of your offseason sugar plum dreams come back to Earth in a flaming ball of Martian tears. Hey, I know Drew Brees is good, but six touchdowns? I can’t believe Marcus McCauley allowed that to happen! Bastard! And I just know that the rebuilding hearts of Detroit were envisioning a Matt Ryan rebirth in Honolulu Blue but … Oof. That didn’t end well for young Stafford either. And I’m pissed, because he should only be throwing it to Calvin Johnson for me fantasy team, and he failed to do that miserably. Get your shit together, Stafford. And how about that Bears v. Packers game? Is there anything better than watching Cutlerfucker implode on a national stage? Christ, you make Tarvaris Jackson look like a stone cold killer, you sulk faced goon. Career high four interceptions? That can’t be alleviating Bear fans fears about the quarterback spot, can it? And now Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a broken uterus? Good thing he’s not a pussy, amirite Jay??! Ahhh … trouble for the division is always fun. That Packer game looks even more interesting than it did before, if that’s even possible too. Although, I hope the Green Bay offensive line plays so stellar this entire year. It’ll be a good curb stomping.
Cleveland is cursed by Mangini: In a funny round about way, after they fired one the greatest modern day coaches in Bill Belichek, the Browns find themselves trying to recreate old feelings with one of Belichek’s protégés in Eric Mangini. It’s not working. Mangini, you made the team look like total garbage, maybe even worse than last year, but I admittedly didn’t watch any Browns games last year because I wasn’t exactly suicidal at that point. And Brady Quinn, you were just a pleasure to behold on Sunday, young man. Truly breathe taking in how well you could handle a ball. Was your zombie sister there watching you too, or was she in Green Bay looking at AJ Hawk’s swollen clitoris from the stands? Ever try incest? I mean, wincest? I bet you Hawk has … sorry, that has nothing to do with Cleveland, but that’s on purpose. I don’t want to hear from you town any more this season. Enjoy your top five pick in 2010, and stay the hell away from Ndamukong Suh.
A winning haiku for a Vikings win:
A win is a win
Unless it’s against the Browns
Then it’s a beating.
We’ll be back on Friday with a preview of week two against the Lions, which should be a coming out party for Brady Qui … er, a flashy man show for Purple Jesus and Harvin. Also, Shiancoe, if you want to score some TD’s for my fantasy team as well, that would be great. Enjoy the week, and revel in the win!
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