A while back I wrote an article about how stupid Aaron Rodgers is. I wrote it from a completely irrational perspective, on a clearly fictitious and sarcastic website, in an attempt to rationalize my distaste for an up and coming star on a rival team, the Green Bay Packers. Despite not saying much of anything besides that Rodgers’ is banging out some blonde in Vegas and porking some swim suit model, many knee jerk reactionary Packer fans took offense to me saying that I simply don’t appreciate a player from a rival. Sooooo … do you think they really like Purple Jesus? Of course not. They probably hate him in the same way I hate Aaron Rodgers; complete disregard for the individual until I remember that it’s Vikings – Packers week and that his porn ‘stache is strolling into Minnesota. Besides that, I totally forget he’s in the NFL unless I see him on my fantasy waiver wire and pass over him for Kerry Collins.
Until I saw this.
I don’t usually read anything from this website … what is it here … Pro Football Weekly? Is this a new site or something? Hm, never heard of them. Anyway, the case they make for Rodgers being a ball gargler is pretty convincing. A 6-12 record as a starter? Holds onto balls too long (thatswhatshesaid)? Not very swift with his feet? How fantastic. This sounds like a shitty quarterback. In fact, it kind of sounds like … Tarvaris Jackson? Ouch. That has to hurt Packer fans. Let’s break this PFW article down then in FJM’s red headed step child style!
“Prior to finishing his first year as a starter, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers was awarded a long-term extension, and the media widely began to paint him as an up-and-coming star.
Coming from a penny pinching paw like Ted Thompson, I’m surprised he didn’t just say that the Packer organization had decided to part ways with Rodgers after his rookie contract and go with newcomers Flynn and … whatever other warm body they have back there. I think Rodgers inflated numbers from 2008 probably forced his hand though … right into his asshole.
Through two weeks of the 2009 season, savvy evaluators
Lofty evaluators
… remain very skeptical, pointing out his tendency to squeeze, squeeze and squeeze the ball before he unloads it, taking too much time to get it out of his hands and pull the trigger.
There are so many hilarious things that could be said here, but I’ll let your imagination run wild. Mmmmmmm … wait. Think Bukkake joke for me at least on this one.
His offensive line did not give him much help in the 31-24 loss to the Bengals,
Again, they lost to the Bengals. At home. I’ll eat my hat if the Vikings do so as well, but initially this looks like a cock beating.
… especially after OLT Chad Clifton was knocked out of the game early in the second half, and the pocket began to fold very fast.
Ah yes, the savvy veteran Chad Clifton who went against premier pass rusher Antwan Odom, who eventually ended up with six sacks on the day. Before Clifton was carted off drenched in Packer fan tears, he was absolutely DOMINATING Odom, I’m sure. No? Oh. Silly me.
ORT Allen Barbre is still very much a project, not strong enough or physical enough to handle the right side,
That is a terrible endorsement for any football player in the NFL anywhere ever. Imagine, “You’re not actually strong or physical son, but go out there and get demolished by a handful of massive men that will undoubtedly break your spine. And if you’re injured? Sorry, cut without compensation. Now go fuck yourself.”
… and OLG Daryn Colledge, a college left tackle, proved why he needed to move inside as a pro when he kicked out to replace the injured Clifton. Colledge’s short arms and soft demeanor
He’s like a children’s plush Tyrannosaurus Rex toy!
… allowed the Bengals to terrorize the corner. The Packers’ edges looked like a swinging gate for most of the second half, as Antwan Odom notched a career-high five sacks, and pressure on Rodgers was very consistent.
Do you know why this was a career day for Odom? Because he’s not a very good football player. In a contract year with the Titans in 2007, he notched eight total sacks on the year. Decent, but you’d expect more from a pass rusher. His next best year was three total sacks with the Bengals last year. Simply, he’s not a very good pass rusher, but this fantastic Bengals line makes him look like a roided up Shawn Merriman … oh, wait, that would just be Shawn Merriman. Also, this:
Nonetheless, no quarterback can expect the pocket to remain clean, and Rodgers, who lacks escapability,
Meaning he doesn’t know when to pull out.
… was just as much to blame for not getting rid of the ball more quickly. He too easily is tracked down like he is moving in mud anytime a defender comes close to him,
Maybe it’s an anxiety thing. I know I feel like I’m moving in slow motion when attractive young men approach me … I mean, women. Women, of course. Like Megan Fox, I’d totally tap that, amirite fellas? /sees self out.
… and his eyes too quickly began to drop when he was pressured.
I imagine his eyes just dropping, like he’s sad, not like he’s not looking up field. Like Rodgers just sees a defender gain one step around his blocker and he just gives up, hanging his head like Snoopy and remaining motionless, with a pouty face on. At least that’s what the stats seem to say.
“Everyone wants to anoint him before he passed the test,”
Clarification: Anoint him STD free before he passes an STD screening. Trust me, ladies, he’s not!
… an NFL evaluator said following the game. “He was 6-10 in his first year as a starter, and people want to say he is better than (Brett) Favre.
Hey, did you know he’s 2-0 with the Vikings and has thrown zero interceptions thus far? By and large, he’s still a geriatric dick head and I would be much happier if he would wither his elder bones into the sod on Lambeau instead of playing with the Vikes but … let’s be grown ups here and just make fun of a current Packer, ok?
If I were Brett, it would probably hit my button, too. What has (Rodgers) done?”
Hit my button? What does that even mean? Is that like saying “If I were Brett, it would probably trip my G spot” or “it would probably tickle my taint”?
Some evaluators are even convinced backup Matt Flynn
Holy Jesus, Matt Flynn is still around?
… has a brighter future than Rodgers, having shown great ball placement in the preseason
/balls joke
and much better escapability, which is more valued behind a line playing as poorly as the Packers’. If Rodgers should go down, as he has had a tendency to do early in his career, it could be a blessing in disguise.
It’s a disguise because Flynn will enter the field wearing a Mexican wrestling mask! The Flamboyant Cajun! That’s what he’ll be called.
The jury remains out not only on Rodgers but on a Packers team that many predicted could contend for the NFC championship.
Well then the jury is retarded. A team that went 6-10 last year and did absolutely nothing to upgrade their team in a division that significantly got better, even with the Lions, is now expected to leap frog not only their stiff divisional competition but an entire conference? The Packers are a fucking joke in 2009 and their preseason fellatio was as unfounded as the animal rape allegations charged against me last year. ANIMALS CAN’T USE THE LEGAL SYSTEM!
The running game is struggling to establish itself, and the Packers barely escaped the first week, in which the Bears were badly stricken by injury and Jay Cutler tossed a career-high four interceptions in a loud, hostile environment.
Think about that. Jay Cuntler basically tried to frown his way through that entire game and he still almost ended up winning. Rodgers had a practice squad to throw against in the Bears defense and still ended up with … *checks box score* … 184 and one touchdown? Pff. Brett Favre could have thrown for that.
Now, the Packers could be seriously tested next week by a St. Louis defense that has been much improved under Steve Spagnuolo‘s leadership.
I doubt it, but if the Packers lose to the Rams prepare for a cheesy shit show in Green Bay. I’ll cross my fingers for it to happen, because it would be so much win, but even with my unwarranted dislike for Rodgers, I don’t see him sucking it up that bad against the Rams.
But fortunes can always change my friends. Indeed, Rodgers may one day light the world on fire, but at that point everyone will hate him because, well, he just destroyed the entire globe with his dumb pyromania. Until then, I’ll just sardonically poke fun at both him, Packer fans, and any one else deserving ridicule and spite like this dick head.
And please, Packer fans, let’s bring something more creative to the comments section than just “YOUR STUPID DON’T EVER TALK BAD ABOUT THE FAMOUS GREEN AND YELLOW!” That’s some gayness.
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