Roster Moves: John David Booty Finally Escapes the Cold of Minnesota

That lucky son of a bitch. Of course, now he’s unemployed.

ITEM! Everyone’s (second) favorite white quarterback during the Childress era that was terribly overrated, John David Booty, former broken Trojan college stud, former third string Vikings quarterback, former soft chinned Southern Californian cooze hound, has been released by the Minnesota Viking’s practice squad in order to make room for … wait for it … tackle Clint Oldenburg. Clint. Olden. Burg. … What? Thus ends, in anticlimactic and entertaining fashion, John David Booty’s Vikings career and many idiot Viking fan’s hopes for fostering and developing an underwhelming quarterback into the next epic choke job ala Tony Romo. Sorry, fans, it just wasn’t meant to be. Booty now joins an estimated 8.1% of the Minnesota population in the unemployment line. I’m pretty sure I heard that stat somewhere important, like the Star Tribune, or Twitter, or cobbled together from some notes under my bed. Either way, you can officially make that stat 8.2%. Question: Are NFL players eligible for unemployment? I know they’re eligible to get stabbed in the neck by Michael Irvin, but that’s hardly appropriate compensation.

FACT! Here you will find some BUDWEISER COLD HARD FACTS! about John David Booty that I most assuredly did not make up. Booty was drafted in the fifth round, 137^th player taken overall, by the Minnesota Vikings in the 2008 NFL Draft. Somehow, he celebrated his selection by offering the entire Viking’s coaching staff that year regular doses of rufi-coladas. His drugging plan worked to perfection, as he was kept as the team’s third string quarterback without ever seeing a snap during the regular season. In, fact, two highlights remain from Booty’s rookie year. The first was when he was elevated to second string quarterback during the Arizona Cardinals game that TarVar started and magically won. This was the closest that Booty has ever been to being an NFL quarterback. The other highlight was when he found a Twix bar serendipitously placed under his spot on the bench in the Metrodome one afternoon. He ate it. It was delicious. Heading into the 2009 season, Booty found himself as the odd man out when Old Man River came out of retirement again and took not only his roster spot and jersey number, but also Booty’s place in Viking fan’s hearts as the best white quarterback on the roster. Alas, Booty was passed through waivers and put on the practice squad to start the season and has now been released altogether for, again, some guy with the last name Oldenburg. You can’t make this shit up.

SO? So what? Booty was a terrible pro quarterback with no chance of making the Vikings roster and Childress seems to have some offensive boner for linemen, probably because he continues to bring in horribly mediocre linemen and then is baffled when they fail to meet expectations. What a suck rag. I know nothing about Oldenburg, besides he went to Colorado State (BLARGH!), was drafted by New England in 2007 (THAT MUST MEAN HE’S GOOD!) and has spent time on the Jets, Rams and Broncos practice squads. This of course means that he’s a hot commodity that is just good enough to get tossed around every once in a while, like a chick rated at a four on a one to ten scale. Mmmmm … after a couple of beers. But the writing was on the wall for our favorite soft chinned quarterback Booty when Favre was Favred. There was no place for him. TarVar had more game experience and was more knowledgeable of the offense, although probably just barely. Yeah, I’m calling him stupid. Sage Rosencopter was just brought in and has now handcuffed the team financially at the quarterback position for three years, so he wasn’t going anywhere either. Brilliant. And Favre just makes me want to punch myself in the testicles, so why would the organization prevent that from happening? Instead, Booty gets the gut punch and the kick to the curb.

CONCLUSION! It was fun while it lasted, kid. I wouldn’t worry too much about Booty though. He still has a fairly attractive wife who I am sure will stroke his … hair … when he comes home and tells her the bad news. All of a sudden she becomes the bread winner of the household. I hope Booty is ok with that. I would hate to see him spiral into a state of depression, spooning mouthfuls of Ben & Jerry’s into his maw looking for some type of solace while watching NFL Films Greatest Games under a lanolin blanket with tears streaming down his face. Trust me, those are not fun days. By all indications for the Vikings though, this means they will aggressively start looking for a franchise quarterback in the 2010 NFL Draft with Booty no longer a future option, and with TarVar’s contract up after the season. Favre may stick around one season longer and Sage will continue to twirl in his roster spot next year which means the Vikings will need fresh meat for that third quarterback spot. My guess? We fans will get fucked again with the likes of Jevan Snead – who has looked as lost as a pedophile in a retirement home this year – or Tim Tebow, who will undoubtedly retire before ever playing in the NFL because he’s brain dead after his recent concussion. Sooooo … lot’s to look forward to, right? More than anything though, I will miss writing about John David Booty’s misadventures in the NFL. God speed, you addle brained burn out.