Sorry, I watched “The Hangover” after the game: It’s funny, although I still think it’s a bit overrated. Anyway. An in-your-face pounding of the New York Giants was sorely needed to cap the regular season and ensure that the Vikings would have a chance to still secure that elusive number two seed in the playoffs that they had so successfully pissed away over the last couple of weeks. My suspicions were correct from the game preview as well, at least for one week, where the entire offense looked like it was back in synch after half time in Chicago and had returned to the form that fans have become accustomed to seeing over the first three quarters of the season. And not a moment too soon! By donkey punching the Giants 44-7 on Sunday the Vikings were left watching the Cowboys throttle the Eagles during the late afternoon game, handing that two seed to the Vikings. Thank freaking God, because now Favre can spend an entire weekend thinking up some unique way to throw an interception that will break Viking fans hearts in the playoffs and I won’t have to fork my eyes out until that point. Too soon? We’ll lay off the gloom and doom then for a while. Instead, we’ll just say that we were surprised by a couple of different things in this Giants game. Purple Jesus disappeared, Jamarca Sanford got some nifty playing time, there were zero sacks given up, Tahi scored a touchdown, and Greenway went Spider-Man for an interception. Yes, it was awesome. And guess who returned to the form of being a successful glory hogging shit head? You guessed it …
Mushroom Stamp of Approval – that SOB Silver Fox: Well Land Baron, you’ve gotten yourself to where you wanted to be at. You jerked our cocks around for an entire two years after you left the Packers to finally come to the Vikings at the ripe age of 87 to lead this team to a number two seed and three games to win before you’re in the Super Bowl. Un-fucking-real. And for the most part, you did this without being a total dick. Sure, flying into town like the Beattles, the entire schism talk, a typical December melt down and a teenage girl fight with the head coach has been insufferable. But the numbers don’t lie. You’ve thrown for a career season low seven interceptions. You topped 4,000 yards, which makes you like only the fourth Vikings quarterback to reach that mark or something similar. I don’t know, it’s a meaningless stat. And you topped out at 33 touchdown passes, which is the most you’ve thrown since 1997. You slippery bastad, Favre. I would love to say that your meltdown was predictable and that I still hate the fact that you signed with MY TEAM and that you’re still a bearded vagina face that whines more than a blind girl at a silent film, but … well, this team was obviously an 8-8 team without you. And you made some people on this team legitimate football players over the course of the year. Sure, you’ve made Purple Jesus look like a total pedestrian cock wad this year (despite his redonkulous touchdown totals) but you’ve had long lasting effects on some other guys, giving them a great boost like …
Squid Rice is a certified badass: I just need to gush for a little bit and get my Broner on about Squid. What he’s done this year is amazing. Sure, it’s his third year so you would seem to think that the third year receiver rule simply just took effect, but if you’ve followed his career you know it’s more than just this. He’s had shitty quarterbacks, nagging injuries, and physical deficiencies that have limited his immediate impact. Having him flash his skill and brilliance this year has been rewarding considering his team history. And what happens when you practice your craft (like he did this summer with Larry Fitz Jr.) and get a Hall of Fame quarterback to throw balls your way? Uh, you apparently turn into the gay love child of Jerry Rice and Randy Moss. It’s kind of bizarre. I mean, Squid’s emergence, not the mental image of Jerry and Randy romancing each other. Squid doesn’t have the speed that Moss had, but runs some crisp routes and has pretty solid hands a lot like Jerry. He does, however, seem to have that knack for the red zone ball and, no jokes here, looks freakishly like Randy when he goes up for that fade in the endzone. If you’re asking me, it makes me kind of squeamish inside because Moss was easily the best Viking that has been on the roster in the last 739 years. And think about this; the debate during the 2006 draft was what receiver we should draft between Squid and Dwayne Jarrett. I’ll say this. I was one of those dicks that thought Jarrett was the better pick. Obviously, I can write better jokes about rufi martinis than I can about potential NFL draft picks. Overall, congrats on a solid season Squid. Now you just have to change your number to 84 and I’ll love you equally. Also, hit a traffic cop.
That felt redemptive even nine years later: I feel dirty for feeling that way about this Giants win. How ridiculous is it to hold a grudge against a Giants team that smoked the Vikings 41-0 in the NFC Championship 10 seasons ago? I think pretty ridiculous, but of course I was thinking about how mad I still am at them for doing that, and that as the score got closer and closer to 41-0 I got more and more excited until NNNGGGHYYYYAAAA!!!!! Boom goes the dynamite. And I saw plenty of tweets and other comments from people that felt the same way, so apparently that means that we are all a bunch of petty little assholes. Which I am ok with, because fuck the Giants, that’s why. Not only did they lose handily today and miss out on the playoffs, but we also got to see PLENTY of Manning face as well. It’s not quite the same as a Pey-Pey Manning face that looks like it’s melting from looking at the Arch of the Covenant mind you, but it’s almost better. Eli’s Manning face is classic because it looks like he doesn’t ever quite understand what’s going on, like he just realized that he did something wrong at home and his mother took away his favorite truck, or the red headed girl in that commercial that gets on the bike but the announcer only lets her ride it within the taped square limits. She is PISSED. Someone quick find a Youtube link to that, please. That’s what Eli looks like. Overall, I’d say seeing that face makes a losing streak and having Favre on your team feel a whole lot better.
Did everything just work out how we wanted it to? I’m confused: Really, I’m trying to come to grasps with this here. Think about it. The Vikings had to have a couple of different things fall their way, one item that was completely out of their control, in order to get where they and their fans wanted them to be at. They had to win on Sunday, which was no small feat considering their recent skid marks and their propensity to fail epically in anything that ever has any importance ever, even if it’s a game of Solitaire. In addition, the Eagles, one of the hottest teams in the NFL, also had to lose to the Cowboys in Arlington for the Vikings to get the two seed. And holy goose shit, both of those things happened. Really? I still don’t believe it. I’m waiting for a force out rule to be called, a juggled catch in over time for a touchdown to win, a knee to be taken at in inopportune time … something amazingly retarded that would predictably ruin the season. Something like that happens every time in order to put a final stamp of shame on all of the Vikings fans who got prematurely excited, but it hasn’t happened yet. With the regular season over with the Vikings are exactly where I thought they could be at, seed wise anyway, when I started to consider these things like an expert about five weeks ago. It’s odd, because fortune never favors Minnesota teams like this. Maybe we’re just getting set up again for a disappointment so large, so epic, so heartbreaking, that it will finally force us all to walk into that terrifying mist and off ourselves. Maybe not. All I know is that right now I seem to find myself being overtaken with this odd feeling that is a mixture of the opposite of total debilitating disappointment and … confidence? Gross. Someone brush this off me! Ew!
News & Tips & Tits & Bits: Sure, you know Brett Favre played out of his mind like a crazy person on Sunday, but did you now these other factoids about the game that happened? I bet you didn’t. Like that Leslie Frazier is a bit of a girl’s name? Ok, ok, more important facts falsely insinuated from this Star Tribune article here are listed below:
– Jamarca Sanford was given more reps at strong safety. It was primarily done because Tyrell Johnson was confused about why he was playing football to begin with. Sanford was noticeably more efficient, even for a late round draft pick, because he was seen actually tackling people, a skill that has been absent from the safety position this year.
– Antoine Winfield worked primarily out of the cornerback slot on Sunday. Benny Sapp started in Winfield’s cornerback spot on the outside and surprisingly didn’t lose the game for the Vikings by drawing any personal fouls. In fact, no one notices when Sapp plays unless he’s pulling fouls. Usually this indicates that the player is doing his job, however in Sapp’s case it indicates that he’s almost literally invisible to the entire fan base.
– Pat Williams returned to the line up on Sunday but was able to rest by the second half when the Vikings jumped out to a big lead. This is significant as the Vikings had a lack of depth at DT on Sunday because Jimmy Kennedy was inactive due to being a first round draft bust, and it allowed Fred Evans to revel in his one second of glory when he finally recorded a tackle.
– TarVar played. If you watched the game you saw him throw a jump pass as well, which probably then helped to cement in your head that you never, ever, ever, Jesus please don’t, not one more time, want him to play for the Vikings in a game that carries any significance whatsoever, for the rest of history. Please.
– Percy Harvin broke the all purpose yards record in a season originally set by Hershel Walker, and he only took one first round draft pick to do so. When Harvin heard about this news he was very humbled until a reporter asked what Harvin would do as an encore. Percy then bit his face off.
Tweets o’ the Game: I was absent from the Twitter machine-a-majig Sunday during the game, but going back through some of them was pretty hilarious as the Tweets were fairly spot on. So spot on that I knew exactly at what moment in time the Tweets were referring to, which is really quite interesting if you’re a total fucking nerd like I am. Anyway, on to the Tweets!
From the ever vigilant purpleprideorg comes this tailgating gem:
“Yes, we brought coolers. To keep the beer from freezing! Coldashelltailgate tip #1.”
It never came across the tailgating tip number two. However, number one is pretty solid. Call me an idiot (I’m sure you have already!) but I never even considered that beer would freeze in these frigid temps. Really??! And then the cooler would actually keep them from freezing?? This is a crazy world we live in! Also, the fact that you are out there tailgating is impressive too.
From acforever comes what everyone had on their mind:
“Now I know Siragusa is an idiot. He just called Childress a great coach.”
Yeah, if you didn’t already hate Siragusa before you probably did there. God, that fat fuck. I’m so sick of that former athlete schtick. “I used to play football so I have all of this great insider knowledge and pretend to be an affable fat louse that gets away with saying stupid shit because I’ve had 17 concussions!” It’s nice that Fox employees handicapped people like that.
From CapitalJsCorner comes:
“Lol Tahi.”
Pretty much my exact thoughts when it happened. The play was almost so absurd, so unpredictable, so dare I say genius, that Childress should have saved it for the Super Bowl (crossing fingers!) instead of a fourth down play in a meaningless blow out. Seriously. Never saw that coming. But good for Tahi. You earn that minimum wage!
From MichaelInMaine comes this retrospective:
“Just had to Sit Down and Have Heart to Heart with my Dog saying Vikings were off Next Weekend so NO Biscuits when they score, he’s Pissed!”
Listen, not to be a judgmental dick or anything, but you probably have to feed your dog still, even if it is just snacks. I mean, what did you do during that Arizona game? I bet your dog was pissed off at you. So mad, in fact, that I’m sure he shit on your pillow. Or at least I would if you withheld biscuits from me, especially if they had bacon bits in them. BACON!
Finally, we can thank Berstreet for the cheerleader boob at the top:
“Cheerleader boobs”
Simple and to the point. I like it.
Thanks for Tweeting everyone! If you have any that you come across yourself during the games or anytime that is Vikings related, favorite it and send me a link or something and we’ll feature it!
A Vikings’ haiku for a Vikings’ win:
What did the QB
Say to his linemen? “Thanks for
Finally blocking douche!”
Enjoy the week everyone. It’s time to relax and watch other teams sweat it out here for a bit. We’ll be back on Friday with a Playoff preview, because I don’t know what else I’d do on a Friday. Maybe there will be some random shit in the preview. Also, perhaps an extended Mail Dump if people send in awesome shit?? If you have anything random you’d like to share (see also: help me out with) you know what to do. See you then!
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