In a week where Minnesota Vikings rookie wide receiver Percy Harvin thought he would get a chance to relax and gather himself before the team makes a playoff push next weekend, the young playmaker has become the center of attention once more. Earlier this week it was announced that Harvin had essentially swept the ROY voting to win the prestigious award, making him only the sixth player in Vikings history to be honored with the recognition, the last being Purple Jesus during the 2007 year.
“Yes sir, it’s a, uh, great honor to be acknowledged among some of the highest over the years.” Harvin told us in a candid interview at the Vikings’ Winter Park facility. “I really, uh, have to thank all of my teammates for keeping it sticky and the, uh, coaches, who have helped me along, covered for me, and put me in a position to be successful this season by providing me with lots of water and Funyuns. It’s just been, uh, a great honor. Yes sir.”
“But why did that, uh, Michael Oher kid get any votes at all?” Percy said, referring to the talented left tackle for the Ravens that also almost became a Viking. “He don’t even smoke. He from some, uh, rich white family down south. He ain’t no ROY. That’s, uh, bush league”
Regardless of that fact, and the bizarre smoking references, Harvin was a well deserving recipient of the award this season. He amassed almost 800 receiving yards and six touchdowns through the air as a rookie, 135 yards rushing, and scored two special team touchdowns while revamping a lifeless return game for the Vikings this year. Harvin benefitted from playing with other dynamic offensive players like former ROY Purple Jesus and future Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre, aka The Land Baron. The emergence of other offensive weapons, including Visanthe Shiancoe at tight end and Sidney Rice at receiver, allowed Harvin to see more one on one opportunities and he was successfully able to roll with it. When asked about his fantastic rookie year, Harvin frequently passes accolades to the left.
“Yes sir, it has been a great year, great year, but I would be, uh, stupid, if I didn’t acknowledge my opportunities with Purple Jesus and the, uh, quarterback … uh … Brett Favre? That’s his name, uh, right? It’s really those guys and the big uglies up front that, uh, help me to wrap up tight this ROY award. Maybe I’ll have to buy them all some crystallized greens or something, am I right?. Anyone know a, uh, good bodega locally?”
Harvin also recognizes the historical relevance of this award. Looking back on the ROYs of previous years he reflected upon some of the big names that have also had the award bestowed upon them. “The names are big man, there are some big time smokers up there” Harvin said as he went over the list in awe. “See here in, uh, 2005? Cadillac Williams? Man, that guys smokes. He totally deserved the award that year. And 1998, 1999? Those were back to back great award selections, probably the two best in this awards history. Randy Moss and The Edge? Those two get, uh, blunted all the time. Moss and I did before the combine even! Shit was wild! Man this, uh, one time we … oh, uh … I mean, yes sir, the award is filled with a bunch of worthy selections and I am just, uh, honored to be among them.”
An honor indeed, and one that Coach Childress feels privileged to share. “Yeah, I’ve known all along he would receive this award.” Childress said while straining tap water through a cheese cloth and picking the onion bits off of his Bruegger’s Bagel in the cafeteria. “When I went to Florida to visit with him before the draft I told him directly, I said, ‘listen, Percy, I know you smoke, and you know you shouldn’t, but you got the heart of a champion. If we are able to pick you, we will, and you keep this all on the downs I promise you’ll have the Rookie of the Year award in your back pocket’ and look. Now he does. Ever notice how I am always right when I do the planning for things? Hm? You hear that FAVRE?!”
“Uh, wait, Rookie of the year?” Percy said, stopping the room as his voice started to shriek. “ROOKIE??!! I THOUGHT IT STOOD FOR FUCKING REEFER OF THE YEAR THIS AWARD IS FUCKING BULL SHIT I AM GOING TO KILL SOMEONE OVER THIS FUCK UP WHERE IS MY DEAD HOOKER TO GIVE A BLACK EYE TO GET OUT OF MY FACE FAVRE YOU OLD COCK SUCKER GOD DAMN MY HEAD HURTS TURN DOWN THE LIGHTS YOU SON OF A BITCH AND GET VIKTOR TO BRING ME MY COCAINE MEDICINE I KNOW HE HAS SOME THAT BUG EYED MONSTER!”
After laying down and after Deanna Favre stopped crying in the team meeting hall, Harvin did mention under his breath that “yeah, I, uh, guess I had a pretty good football season too.”
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