The NFL Playoffs – Worth the hype? Like most every other person with a TV and any passing interest in sports, I watched the BCS National Championship game last night. I hate Texas as well, mostly just the school although I’m generally wary of the state too, so watching them lose was fantastic. The game was plenty hyped, as it usually is, and didn’t necessarily fail to live up to those expectations despite Colt McCoy hurting his masturbating arm early in the game. HOW WILL THIS AFFECT HIS DRAFT STOCK?? Who cares. Burn. Regardless, the sudden deathy-ness of a Championship game certainly got me prepped for a full weekend of NFL caliber playoff football where you now have a month of sudden death competition. Do these sudden death games and the NFL Playoffs though live up to the hype? I think that’s always been the critical issue when people argue for or against the BCS bowl format versus a playoff system. In college, despite what people think with a one loss team getting in and winning the Championship in the past, having a playoff system would inevitably take away some of the luster of the regular season. It just would. Stop denying that it wouldn’t. Also, having like a 16 team playoff field would fucking DESTROY college kids winter break. If I were them I would be royally pissed off at that. On the other hand, the NFL Playoffs are pretty awesome when you’re winning. It’s over exploited, over hyped, over dramatized, over Joe Bucked, and totally American. USA! USA! I’m fine with leaving both leagues with their own systems and allowing people to bitch on and on and on. Could some minor tweaks be made to each system? Sure. But then what would we all bitch about? The BCS is a nice little segue into the playoff weekend, which will assuredly end in heartbreak for Viking fans. I mean, not this weekend, but next probably. And the anticipation between now and that inevitability is totally worth it all. Until the epic dissapointment happens though, let’s break this shit down.
How I’d like this to go down: I’ll say this right now; I don’t want the Vikings to face ANY of the NFC Playoff teams. None of them. I’m scared shitless of all of them. I already have it built up in my head that every, single, team, would kick the absolute shit out of the Vikings if they played them next weekend at the Metrodome. All of them. We’re going to get Snooki punched. I’m already anticipating it. Is this all disgustingly redundant in the “woe is me” tone and are you sick of my low expectations? Yeah, well, get real. I suppose if I had to choose a team to face I’d prefer … Fuck, maybe the Cardinals? Let’s just start there. The Cardinals. So how could that happen? The Vikings would need the Eagles to beat the Cowboys Saturday night and then the Cardinals to beat the Packers Sunday night. I could Google this stat but I’m pretty sure everyone has heard this ad nausem, that a Wild Card team has ended up in the Super Bowl or at least knocked off the higher seed on Wild Card weekend for like a million years in a row. It is assured to happen this weekend, so let’s all just pray it happens on Saturday night. If the Eagles win AND the Packers win, it immediately becomes Packer week Sunday night in Minnesota. According to my very sophisticated poll on the right side bar, there is a majority of you that would enjoy the Divisional matchup next weekend to be against the Packers. I think you people are fucking nuts, but we’ll see how it goes. Now on to the games.
Eagles at Cowboys: The Eagles and the Cowboys match up again in a retread from last week. When you factor in the Packers/Cardinals game and the AFC matchup between the Bengals and the Jets, it’s like Week 17 all over again, just with less Vikings football. BOOOOO! What the hell? Has this happened before? Groundhogs day type shit? Either way, I don’t think any of those games last week are going to be indicative of anything this weekend or into the future, except for letting people know that Matt Leinart sucks major wang. As far as what we can take to gather for the Eagles/Cowboys game is this; with at least something to play for in Week 17, the Eagles got shut out and made to look uglier than Britney Spears’ bikini bottom. *vomit* Do they have any chance of bouncing back and beating the Cowboys this week? I’m not so sure. The Cowboys defense is playing out of their god damn mind over the last quarter of the season. They made the Saints forget who they were and where they are, then pimp slapped Washington and Philly like those teams forgot to pay up. WHERE’S MY MONEY! If anything, I think their offense is still getting fellated too much though. Sure, Romo is a fine QB with a penchant for big game failure, and they haven’t topped 24 points since week eight. Psh. The Vikings almost hit 50 last week. I guess I just don’t see the Eagles winning this game more than two times out of 10 though because of that Dallas defense. It’ll be a hell of a game I bet, but the Cowgirls will be coming out on top, just like your mother.
PREDICTION: 23-17 Dallas.
Porkers at Cardinals: I think I am starting to hate Aaron Rodgers as much as I hate Brett Favre, both past and current. Rodgers smug BJ Novak look, his style of play that is 100% Brett Favrian, his constant ball handling from apparently no longer impartial broadcasters … it is obnoxious. ESPN and other major media outlets have been pimping the Packers SO FUCKING HARD this season that you’d almost think that they won the NFC North divis … oh, that’s right. They didn’t. They got absolutely handled TWICE by the division winners, the Minnesota Vikings. What a bunch of dick faces. Sure, they played better as the year went on but they still deserve to get burned in kerosene. Maybe if we’re lucky enough the Cardinals will just take care of that for us. I think last week’s game was a bunch of smoke and mirrors. Probably not unexpected from Mike McCarthy, but the Packers looked to have blown their load a bit early and play the game too aggressive. The Cardinals got a bunch of shit on film for them now that the Packers probably didn’t have to show, and now Warner is going to dissect them like a manic kid in high school science class. That Cardinal defense is legit too, so Rodgers is going to get tossed around like a blacked out sorority chick when the Cardinals actually want to start playing. Is it ridiculous to think the Packers win? Of course not, but I also think it’s a bit more unlikely to happen than people think. Put me down for a high scorer!
PREDICTION: 34-31 Arizona.
PJD’s Mail Dump: Ok people. This section is petering out worse than my erection when looking at Oprah. If people don’t want to be interactive and write in, that’s absolutely fine. I think it’s more fun when you do, personally, and then I exchange making things more fun for me by helping to make you internet famous!!!!!1!11!!!!!ONE!!! Therefore, I’m still going to annoy you and push you to send shit in so we can all have fun here. We didn’t get much this week for the Mail Dump, but faithful reader Peter sent in this gem with both questions and stories which I think are kind of funny. Let’s get to this one on one action with Peter. It’s bound to be hot.
“Still want to know what you think ol’ Matty Birk is thinking these days. It’d be funny if the Superbowl was a purple-bowl and Birk got sat down by Pat Williams.”
I’ve always been conflicted about Birk. When he was here I hated him for running Moss out of town, and I’m pretty sure we all thought he was an overvalued penis head. Would he have made the offensive line better this year though? You have to think yes. Also, he would have bromanced it up so much with Favre it would have been outrageous. I can’t believe he didn’t give us a home town discount either and just went to Baltimore. Kind of a bullshit move. Can’t blame him over money I guess. I’m sure he’s thinking he’d like to have Favre’s hands on his junk right about now though. I bet Flacco’s hands are hairy, like his unibrow.
“Video game story: my wife writes notes on the napkins she includes in my lunches (I’m like an elementary student!) and today she drew pictures of the turtles who dance to the music in New Super Mario Bros. Wii. It’s the best napkin-note ever.”
Damn. That does sound pretty good. Are those turtles any different than the turtles in the original ones? I mean, besides that they dance like flaming flamingos. I think the note in the lunch box is underrated. It’s a nice little surprise to ground you after a shitastic morning at the office. The down side is the one morning she forgets to write you one and then your day is fucked. Tell her thank you for me, and ask if she’d be willing to draw a dancing turtle with a Purple Jesus jersey on. That’d be sweet.
“Lastly: will Romo be a twat and lose another playoff game? I don’t want the Vikings to have to play either the Saints or Eagles, assuming they can even get past Brenda Warner’s husband or the eternally retarded Aaron look-at-my-pube-y-facial-hair Rodgers.”
You’ll see in the prediction I made that I think the Cowgirls will pull this off at least this weekend. Part of why I don’t like the NFC Playoffs this year is that there are no clear underdogs I don’t think. Americans love cheering for the underdog, but this year you just cheer for whoever is losing in the fourth quarter if you have no other rooting interest. Of course, this means that the Eagles are just as likely to win as the Cowgirls. Regardless, I don’t see Romo looking like his cock just got sucked into his gut this year. He’s been almost as cool as Denzel Washington, but clearly not to Billy Dee Williams status yet. We’ll see, but I think he does surprisingly not terrible.
Anyway, as usual, if anyone wants to get a hold of us we’re available at [email protected]. I’d love to keep doing this so keep sending your stories, questions and naughty bits in picture form!
Playoff bye week meal – Cook this shit up: Last week my family and I were looking around for a delectable brunch item to have while watching the Vikings prep their train to run on the Giants expanding butthole. Eventually we came across this ridiculously simple and salty delicious mess of an egg and sausage bake. While I will go weak in the knees for anything that is salty (thatswhatshesaid), the real kicker with this dish is the loads of constipation inducing mozzarella and the hint of sun-dried tomatoes. The recipe is pretty simple to follow so I’d just go to the website to check it out, but let me mention the additions I would add to the traditional recipe listed below:
INGREDIENTS:
1 pound Italian sweet sausage, casings removed
1/2 cup chopped shallots
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/2 cup chopped drained oil-packed sun-dried tomatoes
4 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
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5 large eggs
3 large egg yolks
1 cup half and half
1 cup whipping cream
2 cups grated mozzarella cheese
1/2 teaspoon salt
Those ingredients are pretty solid, however I would like to make some addendums. First, make sure you either really use a half cup of shallots or substitute in some white onion if you’d like that onion crunch in their instead. I didn’t do a full half cup of shallots and it was obviously lacking smelly breathness. Also, don’t underestimate the parsley. I did, and I feel like a jackass. It apparently has flavor and makes it look super fancy, like you’re not a filthy grubbing hobo that’ll eat this shit off the floor. Finally, make damn sure that you are using large ostrich or pterodactyl sized eggs or, if you have to use regular human eggs or chicken or whatever, use a couple extra. You want your egg bake to be deep and full of delicious eggy goodness.
Try it out. You can’t go wrong if you make it for wifey and you’ll wet your pants when you pull it out of the oven and think to yourself “I MADE THIS!!!” It’ll probably be more rewarding then having a child.
Since we’d like the Cowboys to win: I thought it would be appropriate for us to acknowledge the Cowboys dominance and greatness for one game by ogling their formidable cheerleading squad. Those two right there, they are quite the pair. They look so buoyant and youthful. So energetic and full of hot air. So tight and adorable. And of course I am talking about the actual women and not two separate pairs of fantastic, luscious, breasts, although I easily could have been. Little known fact; the first iteration of the Cowboys cheerleading squad was back in the 1960s and it was a mixed gender group called the CowBelles & Beaux. The participants were selected from regional high school students. Think about this for a moment. Not only is the name ridiculously likeable, but could you imagine a cheerleading squad that was comprised of local high schoolers, 16-18 years old? How many men do you think would be arrested every game day after they made jack off motions to a 16 year old in a short skirt? God, it would be such a shit show it would almost be worth it. I demand someone besides me, preferably someone 16-18, start a movement where doing this again becomes a real possibility!
Does ANY of this mean a thing for the Vikings? It means that Purple Jesus is going to eat his fucking mind raw Sunday morning with that awesome egg bake. It also means that as early as Saturday night they could all start game planning for their upcoming opponent if the Eagles won. Of course they wouldn’t even if the Eagles do win, because they’ll all be too busy drinking themselves retarded. If the Eagles lose we’ll all be watching with bated breath as the Packers and Cardinals play Sunday afternoon. Either way, the NFL Playoffs are here and all I know is that regardless of how you rank teams, or who you want to play in the next round, it feels real good man to have your team still alive in the post season. Imagine if you were the Chiefs right now. What interests would you have? Zero. What a disaster. It’s fun having a good team again, so let’s keep it that way and just win this whole thing.
Enjoy the games everyone. Remember to send in items of interest our way and we’ll run with it. Our apologies to Kingsteve on Twitter for not running with his early reporting of Childress’ kid who got the DWI. He told us about it on like Tuesday and I was waiting for the right time to make a funny joke about it. But not taking advantage of dick jokes is no joking matter, whereas making fun of DWIs totally is. We’ll do better next time. See you back here Monday for the Playoff Weekend preview!
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