Occasionally, Purple Jesus likes to check in with geriatric columnist Sid Hartman to see what secular insight the elder architect has included in his daily column. Most likely it is full of piss and vinegar, like the old man himself, but occasionally Purple Jesus comes across nuggets of blank wisdom like this special retardery. It’s even better as we try to prepare for the playoffs …
Before we all gasp in amazement at how much of a box Sid put himself into today, allow me to share with you this Sid related observation from last night. One of the local channels (I forgot which one, it doesn’t matter) had Judd Zulgad on previewing the game and focused a lot on talking with Vikings players after practice. They showed a clip of reporters interviewing Percy Harvin and, lo and behold, our favorite pepaw was in the background! Two things about this struck me. First, I honestly had no idea that Hartman was alive and well enough to open his eyes, let alone walk around in a locker room with Shiancoe’s dong hanging out, but there he was with the strength of a thousand men actually holding a microphone close enough to Harvin to record sound! The future is now! Secondly, his obvious lack of interest in the whole ordeal kind of struck me as surprising. Sid frequently says he has these candid interviews with the players, that he’s been around forever and knows all of these guys in and out (gross), but now I’m just thinking he’s another punk reporter holding a microphone at the obligatory player interview and pawning the comments off as exclusive. His interviews are about as exclusive and authentic as mine are. What type of stupid shit did he write after this “exclusive” interview? Read on …
There is a lot of talk about how the Vikings are going to face one of the hottest teams in the NFL on Sunday when they play host to the Cowboys.
It’s mostly all this weird chatter over that fandangled internetting magoogle! And they’re only hot because they’re from that Texas state!
But one thing in the Vikings’ favor is that they are unbeaten at home and have played some of their best football there.
Some of their best football? Really? I’d dare to say the Green Bay game on the road was better, the Cleveland game was great, the Rams game was fantastic, and that the 49ers and Ravens games were shit, despite the lucky wins, but yes, THEIR BEST!
“There’s so many positives, offensive, defense, special teams, to be 8-0 here in the Dome, to know that fans never came to a losing effort. I just think that’s a huge positive for the state of Minnesota, for coaches, ownership, everybody,” Vikings coach Brad Childress said.
Ah yes, but Childress, it’s always a losing effort when you’re coaching.
The Vikings capped their 8-0 mark at home with an impressive and much-needed 44-7 victory over the New York Giants on Jan. 3. Looking back at that game, Childress said: “Yeah, you know what, [the fans] raised the roof off of that place,
Please don’t ever say that again.
If you check the scores of the Vikings home games, there were only two close games: the home opener against the 49ers on Sept. 27, when the Vikings won 27-24 on Brett Favre’s desperation 32-yard touchdown pass to Greg Lewis, and the game against the Ravens on Oct. 18, when the Vikings won 33-31 because Baltimore’s Steve Hauschka missed a 44-yard field goal as time expired.
You … you’re just going to casually describe those as close games? Not games that the Vikings obviously should have lost and would have except for a 40 year old miracle and a kicker adding to his walking paper resume? I’m pretty sure the Vikings gave up like 800 yards to the Ravens, which I would think does not qualify as some of their best football, despite the arbitrary fact that they were at home.
Childress noted, Harvin seems to have an extra gear when he’s running around on the artificial turf.
That’s just because he’s fucking pissed that he’s stuck in Minnesota after being a Florida boy his whole life.
Asked about the Vikings’ three December losses — at Arizona, Carolina and Chicago — Childress said: “I don’t know if there’s a common thread through all those games. One was inside, one was outside in the cold, all of them were on grass.
“Also, the team was woefully unprepared and the coaching staff refused, absolutely REFUSED, to make any adjustments until it was too late and the games were already decided.”
“I looked at that as an advantage as we started the year, that all of our road games were on grass, I don’t think we knew what time they were all going to start, that they’re all going to be night games, but we’ve been not too bad over the course of time going on the road and we only have ourselves to blame, whether it was turnovers or not showing up with the right mind.”
You’re shitting me, right Childress? You’re team is terrible on the road.
This is all nice and sexy analysis here, Sid, but it is beyond total bullshit. Shenanigans I say! Why? Because earlier this week smarter writer Kevin Seifert broke down why the idea of the Metrodome as some type of formidable foe is a load of salty garbage. With help from football insiders, they looked at the home record of the Vikings over the course of the past 15 seasons during the regular season and then into the post season. While the Vikings came out on top frequently (like your mom) during the regular season, their home field record at the Dome post season leaves much to be desired (not like your mom, but more like your tiny wiener). In fact, they’re roughly a 500 team at home during the post season, probably because they don’t get to pick on the Lions then. Check the article out yourself because he writes all scientific and shit, probably while pushing his glasses up on his nose, but it quite clearly defeats Sid’s entire article for the day which makes me very ecstatic. Maybe now he can go back to being totally disinterested in sports and write daily articles on the wonders of transistor radios.
Douche.
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