It Totally Wouldn’t Have Happened Like That

Note: This is a Vikings related post originally submitted to The Gally Blog yesterday, but since I don’t have lots of time, as I’ve frequently explained, and since it’s got bad taste in it I figured I’d post it here as well. Doing the old Rick Reilly thing, ya know? Anyway, enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MQWFiIrBLA

The past few weeks have been filled with alerts about what types of Super Bowl commercials are supposed to be airing during the big game next Sunday, especially the controversial ones. These notably include the ad that will preach to you about how much Tim Tebow loves to force women to keep a rape baby in their stomachs, and then there is this other one for some type of web site dating and matching service. While I think Tebow’s commercial is obnoxious in that I was finally looking forward to one sporting day without him pulling a Favre on me, I finally saw this dating site commercial, thanks to Warming Glow, and took immediate offense. Why? Because it totally wouldn’t happen like that.

Here are the problems, in no particular order:

1. The character depictions are fairly accurate. The balding, fat, middle aged guy is obviously from Wisconsin, while the younger, blonde guy with more of an urban cut pair of jeans is clearly from a metropolitan area like Minneapolis and Saint Paul. However, I take issue with the fact that they are both wearing home jerseys while watching the game. Does this happen often? Probably. But I would like to institute an appropriate home-away jersey wearing protocol, especially when you are for some unknown reason watching the game with the opposing team’s fan of your own volition.

2. I also find it hard to believe that the Packer fan purposely decided to wear an AJ Hawk jersey. In doing so, is he not essentially just throwing the game away due to superstitious that fans have of wearing jerseys from sucky players? Isn’t Hawk terribly out of place in Wisconsin Land and being over taken by similarly effeminate Clay Mathews anyway? I also suspect that this individual would have an Aaron Rodgers jersey tucked away somewhere in his closet, but maybe that is just the jersey he uses to dump his man seeds into. That one is the away one, obviously. Because it’s white.

3. I take issue with the placement of the chips, as well as the chip selection themselves. Rippled Lays? Highly unlikely. It seems much more probable that two douche bag Midwestern fans would be face fucking a bowl of taco flavored Doritos. Those things are awesome, and probably way fattier than Lays, which of course translates well to fans who have state fairs where you can eat fried snake dick on a stick dipped in chocolate (I’m assuming). And having the bowl between two people? I understand the need for the commercial to present a scenario where these two would touch hands and wants to board the fuck train together, but it could just as easily be done where you would normally find chips; on the coffee table next to your bottle of Miller High Life. Just terribly unrealistic.

4. The largest inaccuracy occurs during the kiss. Uh, the Packer fan doesn’t go for an ass grab? Come one! See, this is what I hate about Wisconsin fans. Clearly, the Vikings fan is the one that makes the first move by rushing in and basically throwing himself on to the Packer fan, tonguing his tonsils and really showing him the passion that has erupted in his pants. Packer fan? He lays there like a fish out of water, terribly uninterested and zero reciprocation. Sure he’s rubbing his hands up and down the love handles of the Vikings fan, and offers a lazy attempt to tussle some blonde locks, but that’s it? The Vikings fan is sitting there in your lap, thrusting his engorged wang into your stomach flab and you’re not going to at least drop a finger in his butt hole? Go straight to loosen his belt buckle? Lift his shirt up to give a nipple pinch? I mean, as viewers we get to see this hot mess occur for at least a full 10 seconds or something, and already I’m losing my erection. Take some God damn initiative, you Packer backer! At least if this were two Vikings fans together you know there would be Vikings horn sex toys involved along with blonde braided wigs, a signed Adrian Peterson Fathead in the background, and plastic covering the couch. To repel any human fluids, you see.

5. There’s a black guy at the end? Please. You know neither Vikings fans nor Packer fans have any black friends.

So in the future … What’s it called … ManCrush website … when you make a commercial please try create one that isn’t leaking in inaccuracies more than Will Smith’s Wild Wild West film. Maybe then I would be compelled to investigate your product instead of casting it off due to its obvious falsities.

Wait, it’s a dating site to hook up gay dudes with each other? Oh, uh … nevermind.