By now most everyone has probably heard that not only is Bryant McKinnie a huge douche canoe (grazie) since his absence during the Pro Bowl week, but even the NFL decided that he’s a cucumber-turned-pickle and have gone forth with a disciplinary actions to make sure this tub of lardo knows what’s going on. No, he wasn’t fined, but it was announced that McKinnie wouldn’t get the coveted pay check that went along with the Pro Bowl selection. The total amount for the game check was $22,500, and it was also decided that Untalented Fat Man must pay back the NFL for the expenses that they covered for his trip down there, which rings in at a hefty $4,285.13. AND THIRTEEN CENTS, PEOPLE. The NFL is not fucking around here. All said, that brings the cost of Bryant McKinnie’s trip to Miami to finger blast some South Beach skanks instead of play football to a total of $26,785.13. That’s not a shit ton of money to a millionaire, but it’s like a new, modest, higher end, Hyundai or something that McKinnie can’t buy now.
So was it worth it? I mean, even I would go line up and get demolished in a lackadaisical game like the Pro Bowl for $26,000. That’s a lot of fucking money to me. How much exactly? Well, let’s lay out what I would buy with that amount of money, and then we’ll look at what McKinnie would buy with that amount of money, and you can then understand the cost difference between him and a normal Joe like you and me, fair reader. ON TO THE NUMBERS!!
What I would buy with $26,000:
– A weeklong trip to Waikiki Beach Marriott Resort and Spa in Waikiki Hawaii, which includes both flight and hotel stay, for the wifey and I. Total costs? $2,645. We could probably just round that up to $4,000 total, since we’ll be buying sex toys, erotic massages, tons of booze, and snorkeling trips! Yay!
– We would also rent out the Budweiser Roof Deck at the new Twins stadium for some evening game in August, probably, that would classify as a select game, ringing in at $8,000. There are special packages for food and catering, which we would no doubt do as we would want to get as wasted as possible and present the opportunity for death as someone may fall of the deck and into the outfield where they then exchange hi-fives with Denard Span, so we’ll anticipate those costs to push this total experience up to $10,000 total. Fucking worth it, though. And you’re all invited, because I don’t have 180 friends to fill that place out. Bring chicks, though.
– I would donate $1,000 to Haiti, because it’s the right thing to do. None to New Orleans, though. You fuckers dug your grave (moat?) with that Super Bowl win. Enjoy your welfare checks.
– Then, I would buy three new suits from J. Crew for no other reason than because I have a shit ton of cash. The basics would push me to almost $1,100, but let’s pretend I buy some tie clips, wing tip shoes, a variety of ties, finely pressed shirts, and custom sculpted boxer briefs. We’ll assume that brings the total to $2,000, and be worth every penny when my balls don’t flop around.
– I’d probably then buy a Mac Book Pro, 15-inch screen, and I don’t even like Macs. But why not? I wouldn’t want 17 inches, because who can handle that (that’s what she said), and I’d hold off on the Mac Book Air, because I hear their processing speeds and battery life don’t live up to the hype. Also, maybe I’ll check out an iPad for fun, but instead I think I would just upgrade my iPhone to a 3G S, because I still rock that first generation one like I’m a grandpa scared of changing to colored TV. That total here then puts us up to about $2,500 on Apple products. Hey Apple nerds, did I spell everything right?
– I don’t know shit about home audio systems but I do know that I’ve always wanted one. There’s nothing worse than watching your BluRay movie on your awesome HDTV but then you have some shitty TV speakers that break your eardrums during the action then go into whisper mode during critical character development conversation. So, fuck that, I got all this money, let’s buy … I dunno, this one that costs $2,000. Looks cool to me. NOW LET’S WATCH TOP GUN WITH THE SOUND UP TO 11!!!11!
– While I would initially be intrigued by buying a Cornballer, I would stay away and instead pony up for an industrial, commercial sized deep fryer. That would fucking rule. You could make onion rings any time you wanted to at home. You could race snap peas in there too. What, you’ve never done that in a deep fryer before? I would just deep fry cheese, make scotch eggs, crisp rosemary, say goodbye to oven made French fries, and oh my god the list is endless. I found this one here, which looks fine, on sale for about $1,700. I’m assuming that some upkeep, disposal of used lard, and hardwiring would push it up to AT LEAST $2,000 again. So we’ll leave it there.
– We’ll go blow $2,000 on sexy stuff for the wifey as well, I suppose. Pearls, diamonds, anal beads, tight jeans that are custom tailored, shoes, handbags, whatever type of shit women like. Obviously $2,000 wouldn’t be enough to cover ALL of that, but we all have to make difficult decisions in our lives. This is one of them.
– With the last $500 I would buy a bunch of worthless video games, including DJ Hero, a new Rock Band guitar and drum set, Age of Dragons, Madden and NCAA football games I’ve skipped out on for a couple years and anything else that looks remotely entertaining for 10 minutes. YOU’RE MINE!
What Bryant McKinnie would buy with $26,000:
A date out in South Beach with … this thing … instead of playing in the Pro Bowl:
So in conclusion, fuck you Bryant McKinnie. Next time you decide to blow 26K on ugly chicks just give it to me instead so that I can have some fulfilling things in my life, ok? Prick face.
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