Dear Squid Rice …

There was a bunch of news yesterday morning about one of the Vikings great receiving weapons, Squid Rice, going under the knife and finally getting surgery for that hip that had been bothering him since the end of the NFC Championship game. Finally doing so will hopefully help to alleviate the pain and restriction he has felt throughout the offseason and training camp and get him back to being the receiver he can be and was most of last season where he led the NFC in receiving yards and earned his first Pro Bowl spot.

And this is great and all! A healthy Squid means a good Vikings team. And it’s not like the season will start off too difficult for the team, where they can’t withstand the loss of Rice for a while. And this totally just crept up on him out of nowhere! So let’s cut him some slack.

Of course, this doesn’t change the fact that he has acted like a total fucking bitch this offseason and has now unequivocally fucked this team in the mouth with a Japanese style Hentai cock and our chances for a Super Bowl, that fucking ass.

So thanks Squid. Thanks for waiting to address this hip issue after you felt something wrong with you in the NFC Championship game. You know, that game way back at the end of January? You know, almost eight full months ago? Sure, hey, maybe you’re scared of the knife and that if you were to go under it and something was to go wrong you yet you still “appeared” ready to roll at the start of the season, you maybe wouldn’t get paid you’re moola if you didn’t meet or exceed expectations from last year. Hey, contract years are big deals! You need to get that money and feed your family! How will you ever support them with the millions guaranteed already? You poor soul.

And that’s great that you were thinking about this all offseason too, by checking with doctors, getting another doctor’s opinion, and then another … the majority of them telling you “Yeah, dude, you need to get cut to get that shit fixed.” But did you listen to them? Of course not! Why? It’s your body, right? You know what’s best for you. And hey, they’re just doctors! It’s not like they went to the prestigious medical school of South Carolina like you did where you didn’t leave early before getting your degree or anything, right? Stupid doctors! Always trying to screw us normal folk out of more money through surgery, medication, sleeping gas, handjobs …

But no. You were being SMART by looking out for yourself. Keep doing your therapy throughout training camp. Maybe it’ll heal. It’s not like Brett Favre is going to come back and need his top receiving target to be 100% and on the field and really help push this team towards a Super Bowl for one last gasp, right? Hey, there’s always next year! The QB play will probably be just as good then, the stadium situation will be resolved, the offensive game plan has only gotten better since Childress has been around … and you’re young! You have all sorts of time to heal yourself and play forever! Don’t worry about it.

EXCEPT THAT ALL OF THIS IS FALSE AND YOU FUCKED US, RICE, YOU FUCKED US GOOD. NOW WE HAVE FUCKING JAVON WALKER AND HIS BONE-ON-BONE KNEE ON THIS TEAM, WHICH WOULD SOUND SEXY EXCEPT THAT IT’S STILL FUCKING JAVON WALKER, GOD DAMMIT.

Fucking Squid. You fucking idiot. Get your ass cut back in February and this is a non-issue. Now Greg Lewis is freaking out because he actually has to play football.And don’t think we don’t all know what you’re doing, you and you’re Entourage-loving weasel of an agent Drew Rosenhaus. I hope you don’t get SHIT for money now, you fucking prick. Eat shit and die.

God you’re an asshole.