Your Draft Pick Sucks: Jake Locker

The NFL Draft is fantastic, because for almost a full year we all get to sit around and pick on a bunch of 20 year-olds before they become millionaires. During the combines, pro-days, and scoutings, every stupid rube comes up with one or two players they really key in on that they want their team to pick. This is no different with the Vikings, and may in fact be worse, because every year Vikings fans hang their hopes on some idiot. This feature aptly titled “Your Draft Pick Sucks”, picks apart some of the more popular fan votes for players in the upcoming draft in a very shallow, mean spirited way. Naturally. Today, we look at the idiot quarterback who threw away millions of dollars to go back to college only to suck donkey balls, Jake Locker …

Who: Jake Locker, all five feet and six inches of him in high heel shoes who attended the University of Washington. Did you know he majored in history while there? You would think someone majoring in history would learn from the mistakes of the past, like Matt Leinart going back to school and shit. Also, to sell high, buy low. He did neither and returned to school for his senior season which was a total wank fest.

WHO?! You know, Jake Locker, real name Jacob (I don’t fucking trust ANYONE with that name). He was the guy who was going to be the savior at quarterback for the Washington Huskies, and then led them to a career record of 12-26. FANTASTIC, JAKE!

Why You Idiots Like Him: Because he was talked about as being the potential number one pick over Sam Bradford in the 2010 NFL Draft before his stupid ass decided to go back to school. Which was like over an entire calendar year ago. Which was after a year in which his team went 5-7 anyway. After it was Todd FUCKING McShay who said he’d take Jake Locker with the number one pick, and for some reason that cock boy still has a fucking job although he’s CLEARLY pulling lies out of his breast pocket that’s actually full of animal cracker crumbs. Oh, and because he’s white. Vikings fans LOVE white quarterbacks.

Why He Actually Sucks: Beucase he went al Chuck Knoblauch on you ball supporters and forgot how to throw a damn football. Also, he is so fucking overrated it blows my god damn mind. He’s a god damn midget who runs around like a white dog killer, has worse accuracy than TarVar, and people are clamoring for him at pick number 12??! And even if you AREN’T looking for him at number 12, others are jonesin’ for him as our second round pick! You got to be fucking kidding me! Locker is god damn terrible. What happens when he plays a real defense outside of the soft-ass Pac-10? He gets smushed like a drunk bitch on Jersey Shore. Nebraska absolutely shut his fucking face up when they played last September. Here’s his stat line:

Hurray. I want him on my team. Four passes is so awesome. That’ll totally work in the NFL. “But PJD! He beat Nebraska in a gutty, white person effort in the Holiday Bowl!” Oh, you mean the game Nebraska didn’t fucking care about because they got bojangled by the Big 12 to go to a shitty bowl game against a team they already molested that year and who they’ll finger bang again six months later? And how did his stat line look then?

Oh. Hurray. See, he’s way better. Except for the fact that his combine results sucked fucking donkey cock too. He couldn’t hit a vagina if it was your mom’s gaping crotch laid out in front of him. And his speed looks fine as a running quarterback when he’s escaping pot heads from Oregon, but alleged murders in the NFL. You people are fucking morons. Jake Locker is just the god damn worst.

What Will Happen If He’s a Vikings: Well, he’ll set what we understand as professional football back about 70 years. Instead of relying on the forward pass, we’ll install the triple wishbone option formation and have to rely on our rushing game of Purple Jesus, Jake the Snake, Percy and the tight end option to Shanko. Maybe we’ll throw in a lateral every once in a while that accidentally counts as a pass, but that’d be about it.

And One More Thing: Jake Locker is no better than Andy Dalton (Well, he is only because he’s not a fucking ginger freak), Kellen Moore, Ricky fucking Stanzi, or even Adam Webber. And Webber is a piece of shit, so that should tell you something about Locker. Also, we all know the Vikings would probably still suck even if he was on the team next year and going into the future. Why not just hold out for Andrew Luck, who also went back to school? I’m sure his value will just continue to sky rocket, right? That’s what happens? Fucking idiot college kids.