As we all know, the Minnesota Vikings have been working for DECADES to try and get state and county funding for a new stadium somewhere, really, anywhere. The past year has been no different, and particularly trying, because of the ever creeping end of the lease with the Metrodome. Talk has heated up, as it has needed to, and we now find ourselves getting to crunch time. That’s when Ramsey County stepped up to the plate this last week and rumblings were heard they had reached a pretty close agreement with the Vikings to go ahead and build a new complex on the Arden Hills site in Ramsey County. This of course scared the piss out of Hennepin County, who has always felt possessive like a crazy psycho bitch ex-girlfriend, and wants to keep the Vikings for themselves.
What does this really mean? Could the Vikings actually move to the East Metro? Would that be weird? What would it do for the team? HOW MUCH GOD DAMN MONE DO I HAVE TO PAY? Don’t worry skirts, we’ve broken it down for you today.
Let’s get one thing straight, first. The Vikings are, and always have been, a West Metro type team. To people statewide, this probably doesn’t mean anything. But you can tell. They play in Minneapolis, have a facility in Eden Prairie, all the players live and play in places like Minnetonka, Wayzata, and Chanhassen (I’m guessing). They’re also glitzy, glamorous, high profile, and kind of a bunch of pussies, just like people from Minneapolis are. WHOA! WHAT’D HE SAY? That’s right, you hipster doofuses, stay in your Uptowns, your North Easts, your Dinkytowns. You’re all flair and no substance, just like the Vikings.
But there is a chance to rectify this. With the Vikings potentially moving to Ramsey County, there are some potential team and organizational changes on the horizon. It would make little sense to keep Winter Park on Eden Prairie, right? Would the heart of the organization move somewhere else? Like to Blaine? Shoreview, even? The players would probably have to move, too, at least new ones coming to the team when they buy their houses. I can see the property value around White Bear Lake sky rocketing, even more than it probably is, as rich black men purchase land around there. Would it scare the old soccer moms? God, I hope so. And would places like Maplewood, Woodbury, and Roseville get more appearances from Vikings players at their Best Buys? Will Myth nightclub re-open in Maplewood? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!
While that all sounds intriguing, there is a serious issue that arises with the teams possible transplant to Ramsey County. First, while Minneapolis and the West Metro is just full of a bunch of hipster a-hole and superficial lake queens, the East Metro and Saint Paul isn’t really any better. Instead, they’re riddled with uptight, stuffy old money folks who are just waiting to die. I imagine most Twins fans come from Saint Paul. This attitude certainly doesn’t fit the Vikings. Would they serve tea at home games? Would fans arrive like clockwork and 11:55 AM for a noon kickoff and promptly leave at 3:15 among a smattering of golf claps? Would the new stadium turn into the worst kind of hovel for politicians to do their dirty dealings away from the capitol?
Frankly, it’s nearly a no-win situation. The only solution I can find is that you keep these superficial underachievers in Minneapolis. It suits them well. Besides, Saint Paul is a nice quite place to live and raise a family. People wouldn’t want raucus, drunk fans to grab family members and have sex with them in the new stadium bathroom stalls.
Unless of course you’re Larry Craig.
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