Point … an NFL Fan:
“I hate the NFL right now and all of the greedy owners! You people are bleeding us dry! You filthy bastards! All I want to do is pay attention to my favorite team, to have something to look forward to during my lunch hour break from the window factory when I shoot the shit with the fellas as we sneak sniffers of Beam out of our canteens and check news updates on free agency and fantasy results on our smart phones that I just bought which is so cool! It looks great next to my 57″ LCD 1080p TV with 3D technology, so I can watch that game the NFL showed in 3D once, and then just re-runs every single hour of the day of the BCS National Championship on ESPN3D even though I hate college football! But I had to struggle to afford even those luxuries! I haven’t seen a doctor in seven years and I’m pretty sure I’ve torn my rotator cuff twice in just the last two weeks! My kids teeth are falling out and my family is lucky to be able to eat meat once a week, what with the rising food costs and the extra five dollars you money grubbers always seem to add on to my stadium beers! How dare you! Us middle-American families have simple needs! We want to go to a football game, wear our favorite player’s authentic jersey that we bought autographed on eBay because it was just too good of a deal to let pass by, spend money on two kegs for tailgating, fill up on gas TWICE just to make it to the stadium and back, purchase more beer and food inside the stadium, buy a unique souvenir because when will you ever get the chance to do that, and then make the trip again next weekend! It becomes so expensive I haven’t even taken my kids to a game since they were born, and can’t remember the last time I paid my mortgage! What gives you the right to decide you need MORE money and I have to pay it? All I want is football back and my kids to leave me the hell alone for like two minutes so I can finish the game before passing out! Is that too much to ask for?? Get the league back into action already, jerks!”
Counterpoint … Anonymous NFL Owner:
Eugene! Grab a pencil and paper. Prepare to transcribe these thoughts …
“Dear loyal NFL fan,
Thank you for your concern. I fully understand the position of middle-America, for all America and the entire world for that matter, with their concern over the state of the NFL right now. I, too, wish the league could easily revert to previous workmanship and have all return to normal. Alas, times change as do people. However, it appears to myself and other owners that despite this … unfortunate lockout, some people have changed but in an unpredicted way.
For instance, look at yourself! Poor, feeble man, living paycheck to paycheck, can barely afford a soft brandy to whet your palette at night. These are luxuries I experience daily, along with my expectant oral pleasures in early morning hours. Yet despite these drawbacks you somehow have surprised evening myself by mustering enough gusto, cutting many corners, and sacrificing many basic necessities so you can go ahead and purchase tickets to an NFL season which may not even happen. If I may be so blunt … Really? That’s what you’re going to do with your life when your family is starving? When your children are missing an education? When you could just as easily be using this fortune to purchase the company of Filipino ‘talent’?
Oh, certainly, we NFL owners have enticed you with opportunity for ‘buy-back programs’ and ‘ticket insurance’ against a possible lock-out season, but let us take a moment here; who may be the smarter between the two of us? The man who has frivolously spent his earnings on an authentic autographed jersey of your favorite player who will undoubtedly be playing for your rival in three years time, or the man who current just now used a $100.00 bill to clean the spilled foie gras from the marble counter-top?
Enjoy the ‘upcoming season’, dear friend, if there is one. In the mean time, please offer your wife and daughter my contact information. I am assuming you have not ever seen ‘Indecent Proposal’, yes? Too high brow, I imagine.
Good day,
NFL Owner.”
That will be all, Eugene. Please send the letter to this fine gentleman and leave a copy in my Inbox to humor me later. In the meantime, please call Gladys and alert her that I will be requiring my wild boar at the usual time for a light meal.
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