Play Date: Madden Updates for Your Minnesota Vikings Week Eight

Welcome to “Play Date: Madden Updates for Your Minnesota Vikings.” Every week guest author Matthew will provide insight on just how badly our team sucks in video games, as well as real life. He’ll break down offense, defense, special teams, and even offer a digital prediction for this weekend’s game. Let him hear your suggestions in the comments, and read on:

Hey guys it’s Matthew for your Week 8 Madden update.

About Last Week: Let me first say I’m sorry for not being here last week. I was busy doing stuff that deserves to be an episode of Californication. Then brought back to reality on Sunday. I was extremely happy about The Ponder but was sad about the loss. I like any other self respecting Vikings fan after a loss to Green Bay, decided to drown my pain and sorrow with booze, food and episodes of Sex In The City. Oh that Samantha! Well enough about me and my strange ways of coping, on to the update.

Offense-The Good News: Ponder jumps up some points to a 75 overall. I like it but my man love for him disagrees. Man love that could rival great infatuations such as Madden with Favre, Joe Buck with himself and me and Gary Oldman. And yes Gary Oldman is that awesome.

If we beat Carolina I expect him to possibly be a 78 or 79 for the Week 9 update. Jenkins moves to WR number 2 on the depth chart and increases to 79 overall. I’m still waiting for PJ to get an update but it doesn’t look like EA wants to dish it to him. *sigh* Also, there is now something called Stephen Burton. You can play as him instead of Berrian?

Offense-The Bad News aka THE BEST NEWS EVER: We don’t have to see him in real life and now we don’t have to see him in Madden! Now he can tweet all day and continue reenacting iconic scenes from every John Hughes movie. Could you imagine him as John Bender from the Breakfast Club?

Defense-The Good News: EA has jumped on the Jared Allen train and gave him a 98 overall rating. If you can’t get a sack with Mr. Allen, you don’t deserve to even hold the controller.

Defense-The Bad News: Not that it matters but Asher Allen dropped from a 70 to a 69 overall rating. Chris Cook is realeased from our depth chart as expected. For the past couple of weeks his overall rating was increasing but nooooooo he decided to choke a bitch. LAME!

EA Simulation: Carolina 27, Minnesota 23

My Pick: I’m expecting Chris Weinke to be drooling at the mouth and wet in the panties when he sees two of his former students from the Madden Football Academy play against each other come Sunday. Well Weinke didn’t make a pick because he acts like Cam and CP are his kids so I’ll do it for him. Vikes! The Ponder and PJ handle biz and get win number dos in Week 8. Wow that sounds really bad…