People seem to think that something like joining a fantasy football league is a right. You enter, you DESERVE to get in, and then you’re free to dilly dally however you want. Hey, it’s YOUR team, if you want to run shit like Al Davis, that’s YOUR problem. If the rest of the league gets easy wins off of your bye-week starting ass, big deal? DEAL WIT IT, MISTA. This is America, and I have a RIGHT to waste my and your time by entering into a fantasy football league and then forgetting about it at my leisure.
WELL NO MORE. For the Purple Jesus Diaries Fantasy Football League, we will not put up with this any longer. For the following team managers, consider yourselves on watch. At this point, not only are the SMART people playing to win, the f*cking losers in this league are playing not to get their ass dropped like Kris Humphries (oh a Kardashian joke, how hilarious). Lucky for some, this has nothing to do with win/loss record, but everything to do with interactivity, roster starts, and general not-being-a-shitheadness that is expected of people playing fantasy football. We’ve already established it twas I who screwed this league in 2011 by allowing ties and 14 teams into the league. I get it. Sorry. But now it’s up to YOU jackalopes to make sure when we cut the fat to get to no less than 12 this offseason, that you’re not among them.
As of now, these slime buckets are on watch:
- Ponder’s Porn Palace
- ….
Uh, well he’s the major culprit. But I’m still pretty upset about it. Either way, hold the other free loaders around here accountable. No comments? Lazy rosters? Zero trash talking? General ineptitude? You’re liable to be placed on the list. Hold each other accountable! I typically don’t give a shit about any of you during the weekend, so checking each other will help. See someone who should be nominated? Let us hear it in the comments. We’ll keep a running tally. On to the results.
Week Results: As you’ll likely notice immediately and right away and naturally, PJD’s Shirtless Men kept the winning train rolling like it was your mother at a buffet line. “Ain’t, no, stoppin’ us nooaaooww, we’ve got the groove!” You’re welcome for that link, by the way. In other news, none of the games were all that close. This clearly was a bye week for the good teams, except I guess Cheeseheads and I Touchdown. I would have guessed Cheese was favored, considering his 5-3 record, but I Touchdown won again, which has to be like a four game winning streak, and now is creeping closer and closer into the playoff picture. Bizarre, right? Clearly Cheese was playing with a weakened roster due to bye weeks. That sounds like typical Packer fan rationalization for when something goes wrong. “It’s someone elses fault, not mine! Shut up before I shoot you with my concealed and carried gun!” Finally, the other game of interest was the shit bowl between Feisty and Rose. I’d say Fiesty pulled WAY ahead and firmly secured herself as the second worse team in the league, but now that gap of her as the 13th ranked team in a 14 team league is closing, too. That coveted 10th ranked spot is only one loss away. It will be exciting to see how many teams she fingers on her way to being middle of the pack. GO FEISTY!
TOYOTA’S SPONSORED BIGGEST BLOW-OUT FESTIVAL OF BLOWS: Thanks again to Toyota for sponsoring this SUPER POPULAR feature in our weekly recap. YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST! I can’t wait to get my free Prius. I’m going to be so hipster chic. Anyway, this week’s blow out goes to Percy’s Pot Dealer, who was one of those teams that also had a big day, this time against a usually formidable SHIVA team. This was thanks in large part to MC Stafford and his 23 points, but also the completely unexpected 18 points from the Bengals Defense. Might as well drop them now, because there is ZERO chance that performance is repeated. But no one else pick them up off of waivers, because I want to claim them, thanks. Also, if I were Percy’s I wouldn’t feel too special about this award. Biggest blow out in a huge bye week hit when every team had a blow out? BORING. 
Overall Standings: After all that smushing around, this is how the updated standings look. I’m becoming increasingly discomforted by Parole and Cheeses climb up the charts, and both are only one loss away from the top ranked spot in the league. BULL SHIT. I WILL be buying myself a new t-shirt after this is all over, I swear to god. What else is interesting is the middle of both divisions. The difference between the 9th ranked team and the 13th ranked team is only two losses, meaning, this shit is FAR from over and everyone should be on notice. The Brandon Bernard division is especially tight (funny, wouldn’t expect that from the name) whereas the Julius Allan Bangers may be even tighter due to the ties. Also, with Parole Models up to 541 total points scored in the season, I’d say we’re all in for an ass kicking if her trend continues. How emasculating would it be if a woman beat us at fantasy football? I mean, I’m ASSUMING she’s a woman, although I don’t know if it still counts if you’ve never had the opportunity to use your vagina, amiritegais?! #sexjokes
Medal of the Week: Tebow’s Bible Camp took the lead in medals awarded this week after he achieved the coveted “Highest Scoring Defense of the Week” medal, also known as the “TOYOTA TUNDRA LIGHTS OUT” medal. So manly, so frightening! I would be so proud, except high scoring defenses are for pussies, pussies that I wish I totally was like because then I’d probably not have two losses. Anyone else get a medal this week? Let’s hear it.
Fantasy Mailbag: We kind of actually had an email this week (I KNOW!!) asking, not a question about fantasy football exactly, but about Christian Ponder. From Boutros:
- The kid needs a nickname. May I humbly suggest you perpetrate some of your trademark Photoshop wizardry with this.
See above picture, sans photoshop because I’m lazy and not really that good. This has been discussed a bit this week, and despite many options, the popular preference around these parts tends to be Pondexter, highlighting both his high level of intellect and the fact that he’s likely to be a huge nerd. Ponderosa, Pondermonium, Pondischeme, The Ponds, Sister Christian, and others have all been suggested, but Pondexter has stuck. However, I am open to changing it to The Shirtless Wonder as a more official title, if people prefer that at all. DISCUSS.
How Did Christian Ponder Do? Speaking of … I actually needed a QB for a bye start this week and picked up Ponder. I was inspired to do so after Feisty made a similar move last week in this league. And, for the second consecutive week in a row, the kid did fine for those using him. He got six points (which is more than what DeAngelo Williams did for me in that same league … stupid god damn pick) off of a touchdown and two hundred yards. No turnovers either, which is helpful for people who are penalized (I pronounced that PEENalized in my head just now!) for such turnovers. All in all, if you’re in a keeper league and only have to forfeit a last round pick for people you pick up off of the waivers? Not a bad move.
Looking Ahead: Last week I picked Rose to beat our Feisty. I was very, very wrong. That leaves my prediction record at 4-3-1, which is still better than at least HALF of the teams’ records in this league! *ZING!* Looking forward, the big mach-up I’m seeing this week is between Wilf’s Stache and Tebow’s Bible Camp. These two teams are RIGHT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER in the standings in a strictly plutonic manner. Wilf’s needs the win to flip the script in the Bernarded division. Tebow’s has been the second best team in the division for weeks now, and if he loses things get a little bit tighter below his waist going forward. Can Wilf do it? … I’m not so sure. He’s hit pretty hard with bye weeks this go-round. He DOES have Brees, who is projected a lot of points, but the Saints play Tampa, and all bets are off during divisional games. On the other hand, Tebow’s will be relying on Laser Face at Green Bay, Fred Jackson v. the Jets, and Jermichael Finley matched up against the Packers. Those are no gimme points there, but I just get the feeling that the bastard will keep winning and get closer to the Shirtless Men. DO NOT WANT. We’ll see.
If I missed anything, tell us about it in the comments! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your match-up screen! Share your medals that you win! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT for next year! Enjoy week nine, Frenchies!
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