Kill Me Forever if Peyton Manning Becomes a Vikings; An Editorial

Based upon my research by looking at the front page of ESPN’s NFL section for 2.4 seconds, it appears that quarterback Peyton Manning might be on his way out of Indianapolis and looking for a new team. The Colts are looking at the number one pick in the NFL Draft this year, which very likely will be a generational quarterback talent in Andrew Luck, and are also debating whether to keep Peyton on the roster past some arbitrary March deadline, at which point he’d be guaranteed $20+ Million. When the dust settles, everyone admits that’s a stupid-lot of money to invest in the quarterback position, and likely it won’t happen.

This of course raises the question; Where will Peyton Manning play next year? Will he go to the Jets, who are always desperate for a big-name QB (See Dick-Pic-Favre)? Maybe the Ravens to get them over the hump? The Dolphins, since they missed out on Luck? The Saints, in case they can’t re-sign Drew Brees? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!

Unless we end one possibility right now. He will NOT end up in Minnesota (in case you were wondering), and if he does, I promise to everything holy that I will burn your god damn house down. YES, YOURS.

There are many reasons to hate Peyton Manning, which of course provides many reasons for not wanting him to play on our favorite team.

• First, stop lying to yourself and thinking he’s some Thomas Edison at the line of scrimmage. He’s not. The dude is dumb as shit. When he was in college at Tennessee, he had to have his girlfriend call from somewhere liek Memphis to order him a pizza delivered for dinner. I shit you not. Go Google it. Likewise, he had his mother (or girlfriend, doesn’t matter) put together a trapper keeper of outfits that matched so he would know what to wear day in and day out. Again, no joke. The guy is borderline retarded, despite all of his football talent.

• Second: Back to those line of scrimmage shenanigans? They are annoying. No one likes them, particularly me when I would play against the Colts in middle 2000’s Maddens. Normally, a game with 5 minutes game-time quarters would take exactly an hour to play. Against the Colts? It was like a full-on real NFL game. Even his god damn pixelated self would call audibles that would only lead to moronic interceptions EVERY SINGLE PLAY, wasting valuable time on the video game clock that I could have been using to pad stats. God, I hated that.

• Third: He might be dying! Or dead. Or have no neck. Whatever. The point is, you need your neck and spinal cord to do simple things like put one foot in front of the other, turn your head left or right, or sit down, let along run away from Clay Matthews chasing after your flabby ass and still throw a pass. You want to invest some money in that? A guy with a wet spaghetti noodle for a spinal cord? No thanks.

• Fourth, the Vikings will never do it. We already invested a top pick in another injury prone quarterback, whether it was a good move or not. After already starting half a year, you think Leslie Frazier is going to have the balls to sit him next season just to bring in Zombie Peyton for a season or two? It’s not like Ponder is TarVar trying to lead this team, and it’s not like we even have Purple Jesus behind him to run the ball. Purple Jesus may never come back! And if he does in 2012, it likely won’t be until halfway through the season anyway! “But that’s all the more reason we need an elite QB to guide this team!” Yeah, because we’re so close everywhere else on the roster …

• Fifth, we’ve already got enough bad karma by bringing Favre into this seventh ring of Hell. You want to go through that all over again with Peyton? GTFO.

• Finally, sixth, he’s not even the best Manning out there. It goes Adrienne Manning, Eli, Cooper, and THEN Peyton. I’m not settling for anything but the best for this franchise, and you shouldn’t either.

In the end, I know this isn’t going to end discussion on Vikings rubes with an IQ of 54 debating whether or not Peyton should come here still. For these people, all they see if a big name quarterback maybe available on the market and think “HE COULD BE OURS,” totally forgetting that there are things like salary caps, penalty hits, huge gaps of talent, and deep seeded organizational issues that a half-dead potential Hall of Fame QB won’t fix, no matter how hard he tries. Those people are stupid, and I’ll say it one more time:

If you somehow convince the Vikings to get Peyton on this team through your collective stupidity, I promise I will burn your shit to the GROUND. Don’t tempt me.