*Newly signed Jerome Simpson and Minnesota Vikings owner Zygi Wilf walk the halls of Winter Park after Simpson signs with the Vikings*
Jerome Simpson: Mr. Wilf, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for the opportunity to play football again. I know there have been some concerns about when I mailed two pounds of weed to my house in Northern Kentucky, but – as I told the police at the time too – it was for purely medicinal purposes, kind of like a Marijuana Robin Hood for poor people who need pain relief but can’t afford to see a doctor, I swear. I’m glad you and your team were able to do extensive research on my background and see that this really isn’t who I am. I’m a football player, a good man, and just wanted to help people. A marijuana addict isn’t who I am, and I’m more than willing to take this one-year contract and prove to you and Vikings fans that I can make a difference. Your trust in me will not be wasted, I promise you that.
Zygi Wilf: Well, Jerome, that’s great to hear. We’re all very confident that you’ll have a positive impact on our team and community, and get us back to the playoffs. We’re excited! I’m sure you’re just as excited to meet your teammates, so I’ll leave you be with them and look forward to working with you this season. Best of luck, son!
Jerome Simpson: Thank you sir! You won’t regret this! Take care!
*Zygi leaves in his plane to go meet with stadium people in LA. Jerome walks into the locker room.*
Percy Harvin: WHO WANT SOME WEEEEEEDDDDD!!!!
Jerome Simpson: Oh, uh … Hi, you must be the janitor. I’m looking for the teammates on the Vikings …. ?
Percy Harvin: Oh, hey, uh, man, you must be, uh, Jerome Simpson. It’s a real pleasure to meet you, uh, Jerome. I am looking forward to smoking a lot of weed with you on the weekend before games.
Jerome Simpson: Noooo … No, maybe you didn’t hear. I, uh, yeah, I had a run in with the police because there were two pounds of marijuana sent to my house, but it wasn’t because I was going to smoke it or sell it or anything. I was going to get it to people in need. It was for other people, not be.
Percy Harvin: Uh, Jerome, sir, it’s OK. You’re in good company now. Me and Mr. Frazier, the, uh, Minnesota Vikings head coach, have a nice “understanding” on this team about the use of some greenery. If you, uh, can prove you have a, uh, medical issue that needs special treatment, you can smoke as much weed as you want and he will pee in a cup for you during drug tests, no problem. It works like a charm. You and me, we’ll smoke all the time, it’ll be cool.
Jerome Simpson: No, uh … Percy? Is it? Percy, that’s not me. I swear, the weed … It was for a friend, and uh …
Percy Harvin: Jeeeerrroooooooooooooommme … Come on, man. We, uh, we gon’ smoke in here. I don’t know how all of you did this in Cincinnati, but here, we have a team shower and then a team sauna that only a few choice players and player alumni use. Here, let me show you.
*Opens door to sauna*
John David Booty: Oh, hey man Percy it’s a good thing you’re here because I just had the craziest thought when demolishing this PVC bong hit that if we skinned Sage Rosenfels face and put it on mine I could totally come back to the team and take his place and we could smoke all the time and then eat weed brownies before the games both home and away and because I’d be the third QB I would totally be the one responsible for getting them through airport security, and what if everything was fruit roll up, you know?
Percy Harvin: JOHN. This is, uh, Jerome Simpson. He’s a new Vikings player. He’s going to, uh, be hanging out with us from now on.
John David Booty: *Bong rip* You cool, man?
Jerome Simpson: Like how?
John David Booty: *Exhales* OK.
Percy Harvin: He was asking if you get high. Just tell him yes and, uh, let’s smoke some. OTAs start in like 15 minutes.
Jerome Simpson: Oh, uh …. Yes. Nice to meet you John.
John David Booty: Please, call me … Colonel Angus.
*PS: This is satire. None of these people actually said any of this. I don’t think. And I’m pretty sure this Jerome Simpson image is photoshopped. I mean, I didn’t do it, so I don’t know for sure, but I’m making an educated guess.
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