Rally the Troops! OK boys, let’s suck it up. We went out to San Francisco last week and found that we are much the same pieces of crap that we were in 2011. But this is an election season people! We don’t have to take this! We can demand change, change for the better! We can demand that our run defense not give up almost 200 yards in the first half! We can threaten to strike attending the games if they keep Harrison Smith off the field! Let’s write strongly worded letters to Zygi Wilf if the team allows Paul Allen to stroke his erection to McLeod Bethel-Thompson again! I won’t stand for it, and neither should you! We deserve a better team, a better form of entertainment, a superior product, and a WIN today! Who’s with me?!
…. And if you’re not, and if this team and their second unit get embarrassed by Vince Young and his 37 brain cells, then we can all just say “Screw this pooch” and cab it to the Seville or something and blow money on strippers. Who’s in? Women are invited too. We can go to the Saloon later if you want. No promises I won’t get hit on more than you, though.
Buffalo Schmuffalo: I know Buffalo Wins was a nice blog and everything yesterday, but come on. Buffalo? How do they still have an NFL team. What do they even do there? Why are they important? Are they border control for all those commie Canadians? Did they once control shipping lanes when we were a backward country and couldn’t fly shit TO FUCKING MARS? Because they seem a little dated. I don’t give a shit that they have been just as cursed as we have, and that this fact should somehow make us kindred spirits. It doesn’t. It just means that the one thing we could be considered good at (losing in Super Bowls), we’re not even the only best team to do it. So we have nothing. THANKS FOR SUCKING, BUFFALO, YOU’VE EVEN STRIPPED US OF THAT. I hope I find another Antoine Winfield on their roster to poach. Or a defensive tackle. They’re like our minor league system, except probably better.
Keep an Eye On: This is still preseason and I have no idea what is going on right now, but I will be making a semi-drunken effort to keep tabs on these dudes throughout the game, so you should too, obvi:
Josh Robinson He didn’t get to play last week because he was still resting his tweaked hamstring (CONVENIENT), but it sounds like he’ll get on the field tonight. Good. I’m excited to see what else we have at cornerback, because I’m just exhausted from watching all the missed tackles they leave out there.
Matt Kalil Same thing with this rook, he looked pretty good in his first game, but had a couple of spots where he got his welcome to the NFL. I’m guessing he’ll be going up against Mario Williams to kick things off? And almost up until halftime? So good luck with that, Kalil Drogo. Don’t get our QB killed.
Harrison Smith He’s been announced as the starter this week, I think taking over for Jamarca Sanford. If Harrison gets off the field without breaking Erin Henderson’s femur, I’ll consider it a victory. If he actually provides solid pass coverage and/or run support, I’ll pretty much have to put a recently lit match ember to my balls to lose my erection.
Shirtless Ponder The Shirtless Wonder made a bold statement this week that he wants to complete 70% of his passes on first and second down this season. I’d like for him to do that too, but I’d also like to cup Jessica Biel’s ass. Some things just don’t happen in life, sadly. But, if Ponder shows steady improvement in this game, I’ll admit there’s a CHANCE … for both of our dreams!
VIKTOR the VIKING This is the first time we’ll get to see VIKTOR at a game all season! Will he molest some children? Snort coke off the Vikings logo at halftime? Take his pants off? I’ll give him some leeway since it IS the preseason and all, but I can’t wait to see what shenanigans he pulls off.
I Don’t Think I Hate Anyone: I realized today that I don’t think I hate any of the players on the team this year. And honestly, this is a first in quite some time. It might just be indifference as well, I’m not really sure yet (get it?). But what are the options? I don’t hate Toby Gerhart, he’s just kind of white and funny. Mistral Raymond? He’s not a great safety, but he’s fine and can throw a hell of a foam party. Phil Loadholt? He’s probably borderline. Him and Charlie Johnson, but while I hate Charlie Johnson the Tackle, I’m unsure on my feelings for Charlie Johnson the Guard. Chris Cook would be another possibility, but that’s really just on principle. It’s hard to really like a guy that beat the shit out of a woman, CHRIS BROWN, you fuck. But as a football player, I kind of like Cook. So I don’t know what to do here. This is kind of uncharted territory for me. I’ve been built on hate for so long with this team that I’m like the Grinch in Whoville now. I guess I hate the entire front office. That counts, right? Rick Spielman, Leslie Frazier, Mike Singletary, Bill Musgrave … Our coaching staff sure blows and is generally unlikable. We’ll go with that.
Dolan of the Week: No one left any comment about the Dolan comics, so until there is an uprising against them, be prepared to see some twisted shit. Here’s another one, nerds.
Scotch of the Week: Let’s get drunk! This week’s scotch recommendation is the Talisker – Distiller’s Edition, from the Isle of Skye. It’s a medium amber looking scotch with hints of orange and gold in it, and is a peaty son of a bitch. It’s peat is along the lines of the heather tasting peats, as well. Some also say it taste like rubber, like if you were to suck on a track shoe, but those people are huge gashes who drink clear spirits. I think there are some hints of butterscotch (SCOTCHCEPTION!!), caramel, and some sweet fruit notes. It feels pretty viscous and oily, like a squirter you just went down on, and tastes a bit like a camp fire, with hints of spice and chili. Maybe it was a nomadic Spanish chick you just went down on? Because it has a long finish too. I don’t know, it all sounds pretty sexual, but either way, give it a shot.
A Shirtless Picture of Chris Kluwe: During training camp, everyone’s favorite punter Chris Kluwe decided to go on an Operation Adrian Abs to see if he could get his six pack as stacked as our very own Purple Jesus. Some say it is a trivial effort to try to make yourself into the likeness of a deity, but if anyone was going to pull it off, it would be Kluwe. He’s just so determined all the time! Anyway, he posted this picture to his Twitter account yesterday, giving his loyal fan base an update 19 days into the process. I’d say it’s probably chiseled enough to wash my gym shirt on, but not defined enough to handle a dry cleaning request, if you know what I mean. Either way, good showing. Also, if you’re looking for women this week, try this weird thing called “Google” and type in BOOBS. You’ll find something.
Super Serious Predictions: Last week I made the serious prediction that we’d lose, and that indeed was correct. Sorry for being right all the time, you guys. That now puts my prediction record at 1-0 for the season. Tonight, I just have this crazy feeling that we’re going to turn things around and get our preseason record to .500! We’re back at home, I’m sure Ponder is all jacked to get out in from of the West Metro Cougar crowd, the defense will have the fans at their back, and Jesus Christ, Vince Young. He can’t beat up a bunch of even OUR second stringers, can he? Buffalo seems about as deep of a team as we do, so if we can at least keep it close between the starters, I see this as the type of game where Bethel-Thompson or Rosencopter rallies the troops gets us a win. Maybe a 60 yard winning field goal from Care Blair. That’d be fantastic.
Enjoy the game tonight, everyone. We’ll have a game thread up about an hour before hand, so drop by and leave your comments, tell us what you be sippin’ on, and share links to nudie pictures. It will make the whole evening much more tolerable. See you then.
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