THAT WAS AWFUL: If we’re being honest, I don’t know if I’ve sat through a worse game than the Vikings game last night, which they LOST anyway, 24-28. Really. And the worst part was that I DID actually sit through and watch most of it. The whole first half. Parts of the third, and really most of the fourth. During the last preseason game of the year. Without a single alcoholic libation, either! What is wrong with me?! The only saving grace of this ankle biting fest was all the offense that took place, largely because the people playing defense were way too incompetent to do their job. There were long touchdown passes, missed tackles, kick returns … Exciting stuff in a normal game. But then I remember what it’s like to watch junior high kids do the same stuff and I became bored with this game.
Whatever. It’s over. It’s on to the real shit now, and likely, the return of the one and only Purple Jesus to the football field. Good. I can’t wait. Let’s never speak of this preseason again.
Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval: There were a TON of people I wanted to shiv after watching this miscarriage all night. Zachary Bowman, as much as I want him to make the team, looked like a swollen butt hole Thursday night. Every single linebacker should be stood in front of a firing squad. The offensive line can look forward to being ushers at a high school play, because they certainly were capable of showing the defenders their way to the quarterback. Worst of all though, for me anyway, was Eric Frampton. His play tonight was atrocious, which is made even sadder because he’s been someone this team has had to rely on for SO LONG. I don’t know if that says more about the team or more about the fact that Frampton has declining skills. Either way, his poor angles, weak tackling, disgusting coverage, all of it, pretty much sealed up his walking papers tonight. But while he may be the loser in making the team, he’s definitely the WINNER of this Mushroom Stamp of Disapproval. Congrats, Eric! I think.
About the Replacement Refs: OK, the refs were about as bad as losing your virginity to a Wisconsin girl. I think we can all agree on that. But still … there’s something about this juvenile performance that I absolutely love. I think it is hilarious. The NFL, for as staunch and old timey and no-fun as they are, now find themselves putting up with a bunch of FUCKING CLOWNS week in and week out until they bend over backwards and accept the regular refs demands in a new contract. It is so funny, because every fan watching knows the game better than these jackalopes, so the NFL can’t hide behind obscure rules and regulations anymore. Dude, you screwed the Vikings out of 10 yards of ball placement during a personal foul call! Everyone knows it! What’s the excuse NFL? That you’re money grubbing pimps? OK, well fine, just say that then. But Jesus, get the real guys back. No one is going to make a Replacements movie out of this point in history.
Also, I saw a tweet last night from Greg Coleman that sounded pretty sexist to me. Take it in the context of a vacuum and tell me what you think.
Check My Notes: Lots of WEIRD shit happened in this game, so let’s break it down in bullet points, so it’s easier for the buffoons to read:
- Joe Webb looked pretty bad. I honestly am not sure if he’ll make the team at this point. He probably will, but as a 3rd string QB. I thought he was always a lock for the backup spot, but I’m not so sure.
- Instead, I think that spot goes to Sage. Who knew?! Sage came in though, with a bunch of playhouse amateurs, and showed an amazingly steady hand and threw some honest-to-god pretty nice balls. If anyone had to step in and try to get us a win if Shirtless Ponder went down, I would put Sage tops on my list. Of who would be available on the roster, of course.
- Going into the game I was on board with Matt Asiata getting the final roster spot. He didn’t necessarily do anything for me to think differently about that, but that little mousy guy Jordan Todman kind of stole my heart. It’ll be interested to see who the team keeps as the 3rd guy. I honestly can’t even offer a guess here.
- I didn’t see a thing from Manny Arceneaux. I haven’t EVER seen a thing from Manny Arceneaux. He’s cut.
- Aromashodu locked down a roster spot (at least for the first 3 games with Jerome Simpson out) with his performance last night. I’m kind of disappointed by that, but don’t really care. He shouldn’t see the field that much, and if he does, we already got bigger problems.
- Robert Blanton, safety from Notre Dame, saw his first game action of the preseason. Can’t tell much from this one game against the bar stools that were out there, but he looked to hit hard, and be in the right place occasionally. That’s probably enough to keep him around.
- The defense …. JESUS CHRIST THE DEFENSE … It was so bad. Our backups were just flat out garbage. I really doubt we are any better than we were last year. Good lord.
- The audio on the TV was broken for much of the first quarter, and it actually enhanced my viewing experience because I didn’t have to listen to Paul Allen from KFAN give broadcast blow jobs to McLeod Bethel-Thompson, who was equally full of shit, too. PA kept talking about how he was a sleeper to make the team. Get fucked, dude. MBT sucks. What a horrible trolling attempt.
- I’m making shirts for Audie Cole. #COLETRAIN is the main theme. Any other suggestions?
Losers Haiku:
“Hey all nine of you,
I just scored big time, so close
Your whispering eye.”
That’s what I got, ladies. Enjoy your holiday weekend. We should have something up Monday because whatever. But after that, it’s real football time. We get to see Shirtless Ponder for an entire game, and then get super mad when the “real,” starting defense sucks for an entire game’s length, too. Should be a blast!
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