Ladies and sirs, flip your calendar. Check the month. Do a double take, but not a Discount Double Take or I will send you across the river faster than a moon beam. Now focus back on what we're talking about. It is September, possibly the greatest month of the entire year. We are in the middle of a GAME WEEK, folks, where your favorite football team – The Minnesota Vikings – are preparing to wield battle axes against the spotted lionesses, the Jacksonville Jaguars. Coaches are creating (likely poorly made) game plans, players are trying to smoke just a LITTLE less weed this week in case of a random drug test, and VIKTOR the VIKING is still closing down strip clubs. Game week matters not to him.
But it matters to me. It's a sign of wonderful things to come, and a time to say goodbye to a terrible, terrible time of the year – the offseason. Sure, the offseason has TECHNICALLY been over with since the team headed back to training camp and played their preseason games, but it's all folly. It's just a tease. Yes, football may be on, news may be shared, but it's not actually football season. And that sucks. But not anymore, amigos. It's game on. We have football this Sunday (actually we have it this Wednesday too, but for the Vikings we have it this Sunday). And for everything else, I say good riddance.
So before we muff dive mouth first into the glorious 2012 NFL season, I wanted to take one day just to reflect on the offseason, and give a mighty send off to every thing that I hate about the NFL's slow months:
Baseball: Holy shit, I hate baseball. When the NFL offseason really hits its stride though, baseball is the only major American sport that is active and in the middle of its season. And it just, sucks, the, life, out of me. Baseball is for backwards ass country bumpkins that are also entertained by cattle judging and sister banging. For three hours, you get 15 minutes of game time. And even that is boring. The whole notion of being a baseball fan is ridiculous. What are you cheering about? Winning one game? A series? A winning percentage for the month? You play 12,000 games a year. None of them matter until the games in – surprise – September. That's the only time anyone pays attention to baseball, and rightfully so. The rest of it is trash. And if you're a Vikings fan, you're also likely in the middle of "Twins Territory," which means you get to cheer for the $70 Million Dollar Man who handcuffed his team with a gigantic contract, and a front office that refuses advanced stats ("They're scary!") and disregards a pretty significant aspect of the game in pitching. Every year. But at least the Twins got this awesome new stadium, before the Vikings did! What a load of shit. I hate the Twins. I wish they would have been contracted.
Hot Summer Months: There is absolutely nothing better than walking out your door on the morning of a football Sunday. The cool air, the crunch of leaves, and the anticipation of the day. PERFECT. AROUSING. You know what the exact opposite of that is? Waking up in the middle of July, when it's already 85 degrees outside at 6:30 AM. Get bent, hot weather. I am a man. This means that I'm not shivering like a baby during the fall and winter. My blood runs hot. I could shovel snow with just my socks on and not get cold. I'm a warm blooded sex machine, all the time! And that means even when it's 95 degrees out. Oh, sure, you can turn the AC on in your house and suck away money better spent on scotch, turn it up on your car and suck down gas, wear a polo shirt to work instead of a tie and look like a freshly minted college graduate instead of an adult, but I know better. And unless you're a hipster shit head that doesn't work because you live off your trust fund near a beach in SoCal, then get bent. Five days out of the seven day week, the majority of us have to swim through the humidity on our way to work, so having one hour of nice hot weather a day after you busted your ass all day long isn't a nice reward, it's a slap on the cock. WELL NOT ANYMORE, WEATHER! It's fall now (or close enough for my records). I get to wear sweatshirts again with jeans and fleeces and I'm going to be GOD DAMN happy about it.
Kids Out of School: Even when people are far removed from school age, they still think of the year in terms of the school year. Fall semester, winter break, spring semester, summer. Summer was great as a kid because you didn't have to do dick. But then people, you know, grow up and get a fucking job, you twats, and summer starts to suck. I keep thinking I'll have a little summer vacation coming up myself but, surprise, it's over. Is that my fault for not using vacation time? Or is it societies fault for blowing boners? Either way, it means that even if I wanted to take time off to try and enjoy nice weather that I'd have to go wade through stores, public places, beaches, pools, amusement parks, ANYWHERE with a bunch of yapping kids nipping at my heels. Then they'll have to be entertained. Then they'll cry. Then I'll kick their face through their skull. Go back to school and learn not to be a shit head. And when they ARE back to school, that means the NFL is on TV. I'll take it!
Being Yelled at for Staying Indoors: You know how it goes down. You wake up at around 10:00 AM on Sunday, kick the sophomore you picked up from a neighbors party out the door with $1.15 for cab fare, put on a cup of coffee, and sit in front of the TV for roughly nine hours straight. NFL Sundays are great, because there is ALWAYS something to do. Sundays during the offseason? Horrible. Let's do chores, or yard work, or go shopping, or visit the in-laws, or talk to each other about our feelings and somebodyanybodymakeitstop. People try to get you out and about during the offseason, to enjoy "life" and "friendship" and not spend a lovely day inside. That's bullshit. I spend all day inside because I hate everyone. Why would I want to waste time and money outside of my doors on a bunch of smelly assholes with kids not in school? I don't. That's why NFL Sundays are so great. I have an excuse to ignore everyone. "Want to go out to lunch with some of our friends?" "Oh, sorry baby, can't, you know I made plans already to write internet jokes with anonymous people online all day. But you go, and have fun!" I love it.
Not Having Anything to Talk About: If you're like me, many of your family relationships are based around the Vikings (or other football teams, college or pros). It's what connects siblings, parents, grandparents, cousins, and largely strangers of all breeds together. You meet a guy wearing a Vikings shirt on a Wednesday at the bank? "How about that comeback win on Sunday, huh?" BOOM. Instant new best friend. It brings people together in a non-threatening way, like talking about the weather, construction, or Christina Hendrick's rack. These are all inarguable, inoffensive conversation topics. People can all agree on these things! But what do you do during the summer? What're the odds you're more inclined to wear your Vikings shirt in, say, June? Pretty slim. During the NFL season though, you are never without a conversation topic, and never far from making a new friend. Unless they're from Wisconsin.
Did I miss anything? If so, leave your thoughts and comments about what you'll miss the least about the NFL's offseason, and then forget it. All of it. Football is back, and never forget it. Enjoy the season!
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