If you’re reading this, your team has probably been eliminated from the playoffs. As a service to our readers, here is your guide to cheering for the remaining teams.
Phoenix Coyotes
Pros: This is probably the most trollish result. The Coyotes winning the Stanley Cup would piss off anyone who still insists that hockey in the Sunbelt is a bad idea. It would force those who make relocation jokes to come up with new material.
Cons: In a way, you’re still supporting Gary Bettman. But then again, aren’t we all, even indirectly?
Los Angeles Kings
Pros: You get to piss off the non-sunbelt fans, but not as much as the Coyotes. Then again, LA has had a team since 1967 (obligatory Leafs joke), so maybe that makes it ok. You also stand a chance to see famous people, like That Guy from That Thing, and What’s-her-face from this show, man, it was awesome, but it only lasted like three years but has a huge cult following on Netflix and the internet.
Cons: More lame Star Wars posts from Ryan. Possible curse from King Clancy.
New Jersey Devils
Pros: Jokes about Marty Brodeur’s love of pies and sisters-in-law are relevant again. Zach Parise is still a dreamboat.
Cons: You might get to rub shoulders with the stars of “Jersey Shore”, which puts you at increased risk for every STD ever, and possibly some new ones. Then again, I’m not sure they know where East Rutherford is. I don’t think they even what a hockey is.
New York Rangers
Pros: Waiting for the fateful day when Torterella snaps and kills somebody. Henrik Lundqvist is dreamier and more successful than his twin brother, who is pumping gas or something in Sweden.
Cons: I’m pretty sure that if you don’t support the Rangers, John Torterella will choke your ass.
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