Hey Ted. Teddy. Can I call you Teddy? Cool.
Hey, I know I’m probably the last guy you want to hear from right now. You’re probably busy running through some playbook scenarios in Madden 15 right now, tweaking the sliders on AI defense a bit, maybe even giving you a better “Awareness” rating, because shit on those dev nerds, but we need to have a serious talk.
Buddy, you are going into your first Vikings vs. Packers game in Lambeau Field. Now, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not here to talk to you about Lambeau Field. I know base, normie football fans out there will try to drill into your head that Lambeau Field should be RESPECTED, that it is an NFL INSTITUTION, hallowed grounds, where all the greats make their name. Don’t listen to that shit. No one cares. Matt Hasselbeck looked cool playing in Lambeau Field and no one cares about him OR his cheese brain wife. So forget about that. What I need to talk to you about is MUCH more important.
Teddy, I know you’re a good person. You have a good heart. You love your mom, you’re respectful to moron Vikings fans and idiot local media, but you have to drop it in Green Bay. Teddy, we hate Green Bay. With a passion. And frankly, shit like this won’t fly:
Reporter: Any memories of watching Brett Favre or the Packers?
Bridgewater: Yes, a ton of memories.
Reporter: What are some?
Bridgewater: I can’t even tell you the exacts or the specifics. I just remember growing up and being a huge fan of Brett Favre. I feel like he’s one of the toughest quarterbacks to play this game and I admire everything about him.
NO, TEDDY, NO! STOP IT! BAD!
Teddy, everyone knows that Brett Favre did play for the Vikings at one point. And sure, people then think it’s OK to pretend to cheer for him, to like his rocket powered arm, and his jovial attitude and love of the game. But the truth of the matter is that, before he was ever a Vikings for like one damn season, he was a Packer. THE Packer, in fact, and we HATED HIM. People who HATED him and then accepted him happily are what we call “assholes” and Teddy, I don’t want you to be an asshole. I want you to be a Minnesota Viking!
Luckily, Brett Favre doesn’t play for the Packers anymore. But he’s still a Packer at heart, not a Viking. Don’t ever forget that. And since he’s a Packer, we must hate him, as well as all things Packers. Forever. It’s just how it works. And it starts tonight, with you taking that bum ankle off of the trainers table, and burying it deep in Aaron Rodger’s ass crack, something he’d undoubtedly love.
You got this Teddy. I believe in you.
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
