In a sport dominated by testosterone and frat-boy tendencies, the Green Bay Packers emerge as an outlier in the NFL landscape. No, not because they are the only NFL team to boast being owned by mentally challenged shareholders. No, not because the choke away NFC Championships in unparalleled fashion. No, not because the sexual orientation of their players is probably not considered to be the “norm.”
No, the Packers are outliers in the NFL for something far more egregious: They’re fucking nerds.
That is the story the Wall Street Journal ran with this last week, as they reported that the Packer players have a “board-game obsession.” This obsession is framed as being driven by competitive fires, the same juices that flow to encourage most NFL players to actually compete on the field, and not choke when the pressure is on. But not the Packers, no. Their competitive fire is most exquisitely displayed by a sampling of some of the rules from the game. Warning; the following text may result in you enjoying “The Big Bang Theory”:
- Each player who has a settlement on an intersection that borders a terrain hex marked with the number rolled receives 1 Resource Card of the he’s type.
- During your turn, you can always trade at 4:1 by putting 4 identical Resources Cards back in the their stack and taking any 1 Resource Card of your choice for it. If you have a settlement or city on a harbor, you can trade with the bank more favorably: at either a 3:1 ratio or in special harbors.
- If the production number for the hex containing the robber is rolled, the owners of adjacent settlements and cities do not receive resources. The robber prevents it.
- You can only build a new settlement on an unoccupied intersection if you have a road leading to that intersection and the nearest settlement is at least two intersections away.
WHAT IS THIS FUCKING NERD SHIT?!
You see, instead of preparing to play the Seattle Seahawks for an entire 60 minutes of football in the NFL Championship last weekend, the Packers got distracted by their fucking nerd game, wondering when they could take their damn pads off to go back to the locker room and drink their Mountain Dews, listen to Linkin Park, and play their fucking twerp card game.
This is “America’s Team.” Allegedly. This is the greatest franchise in sports. So Packer fans will tell you. This is the rise of the nerds, of whining culture, or Millenials who got bullied wanting to cry to anyone who will listen. This is political correctness and everything that is wrong with America right now. THE PACKERS ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA RIGHT NOW.
And never forget that. NO ONE LIKES NERDS.
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