LOSER DOMI: Coach Carlyle, thank you for coming in today.
RANDY CARLYLE: You’re welcome.
LD: What do you make of the recent comments made by Mikhail Grabovski regarding his place within your coaching strategy?
CARLYLE: Well…you don’t pull any punches, do ya, little lady?
LD: I’m only saying this once: it would be super cool if you wouldn’t patronize me.
CARLYLE: Ok, fine.
LD: Now, about Grabovski–
CARLYLE: Judging by the number of deleted expletives, the guy’s learning English real good.
LD: Is some of what he’s saying true? It’s pretty damning if it is.
CARLYLE: I’m gonna be honest. It was the easiest way for everyone. I have not been a fan of his from the word “go.” Gingers creep me the hell out.
LD: You actually reduced his playing time because you don’t like his hair color?
CARLYLE: Besides, the dude is Belorussian. Belarus hasn’t won shit, ever. I’m pretty sure their main exports are orphans and crippling depression. Or is that Romania? I always get those two confused.
LD: That…seems really racist to me.
CARLYLE: COUNTRIES AREN’T RACES.
LD: Jingoist, then? It’s still something I’m pretty sure is a lawsuit waiting to happen.
CARLYLE: Whatever. Besides, I’m not the one who bought him out. You’d have to talk to my esteemed compadre, Dave Nonis.
DAVE NONIS: ‘Sup?
LD: How did you get in here?
NONIS: I went in through the door, like a normal person.
LD: Dang, you’re light on your feet for a fat guy.
CARLYLE: Like Jackie Gleason dancing.
LD: I’m not sure if that’s such a compliment.
NONIS: Anyway, Randy’s my guy on the ground, yanno? He’s the one feeding me new information and who’s got to go.
CARLYLE: I tell him who’s being trouble and who’s not performing so they can be shipped out.
LD: What about the recent resigning of Tyler Bozak, who has been…let’s say less than stellar in a role which forces him into being a leading center?
CARLYLE: I don’t think that’s here nor there.
LD: I think it actually is related to the conversation.
CARLYLE: The thing is—
(JOHN FERGUSON, JR., crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man)
JOHN FERGUSON JR.: JOOOOHHHHNNNNNNN FEEERRRRGUSSSSOOONNNN! Junior!
LD: You’re goddamn joking.
CARLYLE: He’s actually been a great inspiration to me. He’s been giving me advice and been a great help for the team.
JFJ: Miss me yet? Next to these knobheads, I look downright reasonable, don’t I?
LD: I’d rather be fed my own brain like Ray Liotta in Hannibal.
CARLYLE: It smells good!
LD: Screw this. I’m out of here.
CARLYLE: Don’t you want to keep interviewing me?
LD: Dude—Barry Trotz looks at you and is all, “damn, that guy has no neck.” You’ve had half a season and you’ve already lost the room, so good job on setting some sort of a speed record. Obviously, I picked the wrong time to stop drinking. So, you know, fuck you and the horse you rode in on and then ate.
(LD leaves)
CARLYLE: You are kind of an asshole, JFJ.
NONIS: At least I have chicken.
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