Time to Pay Up: Ted Miller Style

Hello Followers. Hope you’ve had a good week.

Well, for me, bad news always seems to come in threes. Last night, it was that haunting Cougar loss to the Zags after whooping the kids from the kennel for 35 minutes. Then, it was the HORROR of watching the Beavs lose their Rose Bowl dreams for the second year in a row to their hated rivals (Imagine if we had lost 97 and then had 2002 eliminate us—but in back to back years!). Even worse, the Beavs have to live through the build up to the RoseBowl in their newspapers EVERY single day for the next four weeks!

Oh, the horror!  Poor Bhagwan de Beevaire.

But the BIGGEST loss occurred when we lost to UCLA three weeks ago. With that blowout loss, I got torched in my bet with Theodore Miller as we fell mercilessly and hopelessly into the cellar, just as Ted predicted.

You see, two years ago, Ted and I placed a wager on whether or not we would finish in last place. I said that we’d finish 7th or better. Ted thought we’d finish tenth. So, after we nipped the Defeateds 16-13 in OT last season, we clinched 9th place.

And so, our bet became a push.

So, I foolishly decided in June to up the ante and doubled down—which was stupid because I never lost the first bet. Therefore, while I actually just re-upped my bet with him, it was nonetheless back on. And now, I am forced to stand before you, mocked by the very Cosmos I’ve created…..

In any case, Mr. Miller, please feel free to e-mail me at [email protected] attention the Coug-A-Sutra. At that point, in Tiger Woods clad privacy, we’ll figure out how I can get down to John McCain Way to clean your house, wash your cars, sleep on your sofa, eat your food, and be an all-around Biff to your impeccable McFly.

In the meantime, I want you and the world to know that I have NO illusions that we’ll compete for a bowl game next year. BUT, if Jake Locker goes pro (as he should), I’m completely poised to wager a TRIPLE axel, sow-cow (in Tanya Harding get-up) that we’ll beat the Huskies next year in Pullman.

But, in the end, and to quote Barry Gibb, I am left with such bitter sentiment.

“How can a loser ever win?”