PULLMAN, WA — With the WSU Cougars’ latest display of inaccurate passing, sluggish route running, and careless ball-handling, the 2009 football season was the final straw for local man John Strickland, 38, of Pullman. “I have loved this team since I was a kid. Cougar games used to be a special time in my home. But this is it. I have had it. We, I mean, they, are not any good.”
And with that sentence, Strickland’s life has changed, forever.
“We” has officially been replaced by “they” when referring to Strickland’s beloved Cougars.
Strickland’s wife, Molly, was shocked at the revelation. “John has always yelled at the TV, written e-mails to friends, posted on blogs and message boards, and railed on the phone for hours, saying “We” when it comes to his Cougars. “We can’t tackle, we can’t stop the pass, we can’t score.” But now, I don’t know what to think. He is clearly not the man I married.”
Strickland was initially surprised at his sudden change of heart. “Sure, I never played a down for the Cougars. I didn’t even graduate from Washington State.” But then the anger started to build as he recalled in his mind the recent blowouts and crushing defeats, and with veins bulging from his forehead, said “but they have embarrassed me and my family for the last time!”
As for what Strickland will do with his new-found free time on Saturday afternoons, he wasn’t quite ready to answer that. “Too soon” was his immediate response, as his eyes glazed over in a 1,000-yard stare. But then, after a moment of deep thought, he answered the question.
“I might start paying attention to my wife. She has been going on and on about something or another and I have no idea what she has been saying. I usually just turn up the volume on the TV when she enters the room. I think the garage needs some cleaning out, as the weekend chores pretty much go to hell during football season. Oh, and I heard my kid plays soccer, so I might have to look into that a little bit.”
Meanwhile, WSU offensive coordinator Todd Sturdy was disappointed to lose Strickland. “I never met John myself. And while he never attended a practice, suited up for a game or contributed to the program in any substantial way, we will miss his presence. This is a big loss for Cougar Nation.”
Sturdy went on to discuss the reasons why Strickland, as well as many other fans who have left the Cougars for dead, will be disappointed when they learn of the new changes coming in the offense. “We finally have the personnel to implement a game plan of incomplete passes, false-starts and holding penalties, as well as running plays that have absolutely no chance to work,” Sturdy said. “I’m confident that whoever is left to play the QB position has the ability to under-throw a receiver on a deep ball or find an open defender and deliver the ball with laser-like precision.”
Sturdy went on to say that the starting QB shouldn’t get too comfortable either. “We’ll be switching QB’s often and at random times to avoid either guy getting into a rhythm or developing confidence.” According to Sturdy, the offense is now malfunctioning as a cohesive unit and has shown much more consistency at blowing assignments, missing blocks, and fumbling snaps. “With spring ball in full swing, we have a great opportunity to take a step forward by taking major steps back. There is no doubt that will happen this spring.”
–note – the Onion contributed to this report
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