Losing Your Lunch: Civic Duty Edition

Hello, Followers!  Hope you’re having one heckuva week.

As for me, well, as fate would have it my spring break just went before it even came.  I mean, just when I thought that I might catch a break from writing and reading papers et al., something called “civic duty” reared its ugly head.

And by civic duty, I’m talking not talking about helping old people cross the street. 

I’m talking about CIVIC DUTY here….Meaning: I’m on jury duty for the whole stinking week!!!!

So, while my mind melts away sitting in a court room listening to a case that I can’t talk to anyone about, I thought to myself, “Man, wouldn’t it be great to parlay this wonderful experience into a random blog post?”  And as I sat down today to eat lunch, the two Baliffs outside the jury room provided the needed inspiration for such a post.   

And that inspiration focused on that “one thing” that these dudes couldn’t get enough of…

Softball.  For more on that, read on.

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Followers, given that this is a “losing your lunch” post, I don’t have time to get into all of what those guys were talking about.  But after hearing them talk for 30 minutes about everything from gloves, bats, hats, sliding pads, cups, chew, and batting cages, I started to realize that even though they were PRETENDING to be “real softball guys,” they actually were a couple of posers—aka “Fake Softball Guys.” 

So, in light of the fact that spring has sprung nearly in every American community save the North East, I thought I’d give you all a few pointers for how you can make the jump toward becoming that full-on, true-blue enchilada, REAL SOFTBALL GUY.

 1) Batting gloves.  Real Softball guy knows that he has potential to knock one out every time at the plate.  And toward that end, batting gloves really communicate a level of seriousness not shown by most amateurs.  But simply having one pair of batting gloves is NOT sufficient for becoming Real Softball Guy.  So, you need to have a couple pair–one for the hands–the other for the back pocket.

2) Knee Paraphernalia.  One of the chief attributes of Real Softball Guy are the "war scars" he has to show for his consistently overzealous efforts on the diamond.  And so, even if he's avoided injury in the past, it is usually helpful for him to communicate his ability to overcome injuries that would typically cripple mortal man, especially Fake Softball Guy. For that reason, it’s pretty much necessary to man up with a couple ACL-protecting knee braces. The other option?  Double knee pads. 

It's simply a must.  

 3) Clap and point.  Real softball guy is always aware of his uncanny resemblance to most Major League Baseball players.  So, whether you beat out a hot grounder to short, double to the gap, or knock one out of the park, be sure to clap your hands a couple of times and point toward the dugout following every plate appearance. I personally appreciate the “double clap then-point-toward-the-sky” move following a jack or even a double down the line…

Also, if you're really good, you'll give a quick "that one was for you, honey" nod toward the babes in the stands.

But that’s just me……

4)  Ump Banter.  Fake softball guy will argue incessantly with the umpire following every call.  REAL softball guy will converse with the ump throughout the game as if they are best friends.  Then, when a call is blown, they follow up with a "Geez, I don't know about that one, Darrell" type approach. Again, the key is to keep it all super professional–as in Major League Professional.

5) Long Toss.  Fake softball guy will warm up by playing catch with a buddy at close proximity—hoping to save himself from a muscle pull or the all-too-common hip flexor.  REAL softball guy will warm up before he gets to the park, so his initial throwing can take the form of long-toss.   So, if you’re trying to become real softball guy, your first few throws really need to be at least 50 yards from your partner, and ideally you’ll throw those balls as hard as you possibly can.

6) Eye Black—Especially if its raining.  Need I say more?

7) Nickname.  If you’re hoping to become Real Softball Guy, you’ll need one.  So, when you meet your teammates each year, you should introduce yourself with something along the lines of "Hi, I'm David, but my friends call me Shredder."

From there, a few references to yourself in the third person should really cement your status.  So, comments like, "Shredder is thirsty" or "Shredder's feeling good" or "Here comes 'the' Shredder" need to become mainstay in the dugout.

I'm sure that there are others to be added to the list, but the clock has just struck twenty and once again, I’ve lost my lunch.  Enjoy the rest of your day while I head back to the courtroom.

All for now.  Go Cougs!