“I wish every single one of these cards was a Bridgeport IPA.”
Good morning and Happy Hump Day, Cougs! It seems like just a week ago that I was pointing out that there were 10 weeks until the Crimson and Gray Game in Spokane. Now, a mere 7 days later, there are only 9 weeks to go! Crazy how that works, but time flies when the space-time continuum is functioning properly, I guess. If you’re a fan of “Friday Night Lights”, Mike Leach, Grantland, or things that are just awesome, you likely caught the news last week that the script for the FNL movie is likely to use elements of Coach Leach’s story as at least some part of its plot. You’re probably also aware by now that Peter Berg, one of the driving forces behind the glory that is “Friday Night Lights” is also moving full speed ahead with his documentary project about Leach. With the bright lights of Hollywood finally coming down on Pullman, Washington, or at the very least its most famous new resident, I got to thinking. As is usually the case, the net result of my thinking was something completely and utterly ridiculous: If there was a fictional movie about our Cougs, (which doesn’t seem all that unlikely; I mean the 2008 football team was basically the pre-Gordon Bombay District 5 hockey team and the 2012 team will metaphotically beat Iceland in the Sun Bowl) what actors would be hired to play them? Running with the Advent Calendar theme, I’ll give you 8 actors who could have career-making moves by playing members of the 2012 Washington State football team in a totally hypothetical movie. I’ll also have a follow up to last week’s post, as my main man Connor (AKA cpsands023) answered the call my nickname challenge in a big way. Wow, some wacky things happen during the offseason with a basketball season going nowhere. Aaaaaanyhew, that’s a lot to get to so let’s do this…
Since I’m unusually dedicated to the whole Advent Calendar thing, and super lazy, I’m restricting the list of actors for the “Untitled WSU Football Movie Project” to 8, but I would love to hear your ideas for other roles in the comments. For now, let’s try to hammer out the big roles:
Head Coach, Mike Leach:
Clearly the role of the coach will be the biggest in the film. A man with the outsized and diverse personality of Coach Leach is going to require a gifted actor to embody the role and put it along with Hayden Fox and Coach Eric Taylor in the pantheon of TV/Movie head coaching greatness. For some reason, part of the criteria I got in my head was that the actor should have curly hair. Looking at Mike Leach, he doesn’t really have curly hair, but I couldn’t shake this requirement so I limited the search to curly haired actors. In my defense, I’m weird. So without further ado, the future Oscar winner for his role as head coach Mike Leach…
Will Ferrell!
“Stay classy, Pullman”
Jeff Tuel, QB1
Almost as critical as the head coach role is that of the star quarterback. As I’ve mentioned, I’m of the belief that Jeff Tuel will earn the role of star quarterback, which will require an actor to play the role of Jeff Tuel. Who could best capture the babyface charm of number 10 on our programs and number 1 in our hearts? As with most roles, my initial thought was Mark-Paul Gosselaar, but he is unfortunately turning 38 years old next Thursday so I had to find someone a tad younger. It also seemed wise to get someone with star power and football movie experience so your soon-to-be Future Best Supporting Actor winner in his role as Comeback Player of the Year Jeff Tuel…
Ryan Gosling
Cougars love this guy, so it only makes sense that he play a Cougar.
Connor Halliday, QB2
Obviously the battle for the starting quarterback job will be a key element in this totally made up movie and sometimes casting is just as obvious, folks…
Rupert Grint
“Pigeon-hold as a Gingey again. My agent stinks.”
The next two are a bit of a package deal, but they are critical. You can’t have a football movie without the lovable offensive lineman who inexplicably ends up protecting his quarterback off the field as much as he does on it. Since there are two actors who have, between the two of them, been on the offensive line of every football movie ever made, the services of Ron Lester and Ethan Suplee are required to play John Fullington and Wade Jacobson. If Jacobson isn’t granted a redhisrt, one of these guys can play Taylor Meighen or Matt Goetz. You may not recognize the names of the actors, but I know you’ll recognize them (or at least them as football players; they’ve both lost a ton of weight, but I think they can still pull it off; they are actors after all):
Ron Lester, Generic Offensive Lineman #1
Ethan Suplee, Generic Offensive Lineman #2
Speaking of actors who have lost weight, Jonah Hill and his newfound commimtment to good health completely blew his chance of being in this film and subsequently the role he was born to play: Andrew Furney. I thought for sure that the kid from “Two and a Half Men” could step in, but he’s skinny now too! With so few actors brave enough to retain a healthy body, I had to pick up someone a little younger. It’s Hollywood so I’m sure they’ll figure out a way to make it work. In the role of Andrew Furney, I give you…
Rico Rodriguez of “Modern Family” fame!
“And you thought Kathy Ireland playing a college kicker was ridiculous.”
Bill Moos, Athletic Director
It would only be fitting that the man who kicked all this Holloywood excitement into motion on the Palouse should play an integral role in the film. My first thought was Morgan Freeman so that he could narrate the whole thing from our AD’s perspective, but I didn’t quite think there was enough of a resemblance, should there be an onscreen role for Moos. I had to go with somone who at least looks remotely like Moos so I guess will roll with…
John Travolta
“You’re right, Huddy is running out of steam if I made it into this post”
Last, but not least, a role that is 100% for my benefit since I’ve been Googling a bunch of pictures of dudes for the last couple hours. To play the love interest of….ummm….whoever….
Mila Kunis
You’re darn right this is gratuitous, but Huddy looooooooves Mila Kunis
There you have it, Cougar fans. There are plenty of roles left to be filled. I would love your thoughts on who should play RG5, Marquess Wilson and of course, the movie’s villain, Steve Sarkisian, among many others. If any Coug fans out there have connections in Hollywood, feel free to let them know that the WSU Football Blog is sitting on a box office gold mine.
Before I go, as promised here is the remarkably thorough and entertaining list of nicknames for players mentioned in this space last week, courtesy of my main man Connor:
10. Henry Eaddy
“The Slot Machine”
“Mighty Mouse”
“The Natural” (Wes Welker’s nickname)
9. Dominique Williams
“The Fresh Prince”
“Eraser Head”
“The Human Highlight” (Dominique Wilkins nickname)
8. Xavier Cooper
“Professor X”
“Coach Coop”
“The Aroma From Tacoma”
7. Darryl Monroe
“Florida’s Natural”
“Marilyn”
“Gary Coleman” (Just sayin’)
6. Spencer Waseem
“Mr. Cosby” “Bill Cosby” “The Cosby Show” (Again…just sayin’)
“Mr. 4.4” (in reference to 4.47 40 yard time)
“The Dart” (in reference to HS team “The Blue Darters” and his speed).
5. Andrew Furney
“Smedium”
“Form Fit”
“Big Baby Furney”
4. Sekope Kaufusi
“Taz”/”The Taz”/”Tasmanian Devil”
“The Warrior”
“Head and Shoulders”
3. Marquess Wilson
“Sticky Fingers”
“Mr. 1,000”
“Mr. Biletnikoff”
“Optimus Prime” (Going off Calvin Johnson’s Megatron nickname)
“The Messiah”
2. Rickey Galvin
“RG5”
“The Future”
“Mr. Glass”
1. Jeff Tuel
“Golden Arm”
“The Chosen One”
“Four Verts”
Huge thanks to Connor!! “Form Fit” Andrew Furney still makes me chuckle every time I think about it. Until next week when I try to come up with 7 of something to write about…
Go Cougs.
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