Trash of the Titans – Your Guide to The McEichel Bowl by @mmigliore

The last thing I would ever want to do in this column space is tell fans what they should do or how they should act. I can come here and tell you that you’re all being naïve or irrational or ignorant, but I would never tell you guys or girls how you should feel or what you should or shouldn’t be doing.

I’m the last guy who should be telling people how to behave, especially when it comes to sports. There have been plenty of Mondays during football season where I’ve woken up with a swollen hand as a result of punching something during the previous afternoon’s Bills game. I yelled awful things in the faces of Yankee fans during the 2004 American League Championship Series. My behavior is not one to emulate.

With that said, may I offer some advice for Thursday night and the Sabres gladiatorial contest with the Coyotes? Okay. Maybe think about going to see a movie? If you’re single, maybe post up at a bar with no TV and try to chat up a member of the opposite sex? There’s lots of good stuff on Netflix. House of Cards Season 3 is beginning. Have you thought about volunteering at a homeless shelter or something like that?

These are my suggestions because I’m not sure if we collectively as a group can handle this game on Thursday night. It’s not because it’s vastly important to finishing 30^th and we’re all a little uneasy, it’s more my concern for everyone’s safety because I think some of you might start on fire during the game.

If you’ve followed Sabres Twitter at all in the past few weeks, you know exactly what I’m talking about. People are FREAKING OUT about the possibility that this team might finish 29^th and not 30^th. If you’ve followed along during games, especially Monday night’s game in Dallas, your Twitter feed is basically a steaming garbage fire. All you have to do is check the responses to basically any Tweet the Sabres post on their feed during a game. The Tweets read like pleas for help from people held captive in basements.

So, when I say I don’t think people can handle this game against Arizona, I’m being serious. Someone might throw themselves off a balcony if the Sabres take a late-third period lead. I might have to toss my phone in the garbage disposal if the Sabres somehow pull out a win.

Look, I get it. Since early January, the Sabres have been pretty comfortably ahead in the race for 30^th place. The Sabres have by far the worst advanced metrics of any team in the league, numbers so bad, they are up there with some of the worst teams these puck possession metrics have ever tracked. Finishing 30^th and getting Connor McDavid or Jack Eichel seemed like a lock.

It sure did seem that way. Then Arizona went and lost 20 of its last 23 games. Arizona has three wins since Feb. 9 and none have come in regulation. They have not won in regulation since Feb. 3, just two days after the Super Bowl. They have mastered the art of tanking in these last two months. Honestly, you have to tip your hat to them. The Sabres have done pretty much everything they can do to ensure they’ll finish last and it still might not be enough. The Sabres still have some breathing room as they “trail” Arizona by five points, but these last two head-to-head matchups with the Coyotes are there looming and waiting for us like a colonoscopy.

It’s pretty simple. If the Sabres win both their games against a team that’s lost 20 of 23 games entering Thursday, they might be screwed. Still, this would only put them one point behind Arizona in the standings, assuming both teams earn no points in the other games on their schedule between now and Monday. So, for a fanbase that is pretty much all in now on losing out (how could you not be at this point?) Thursday’s game becomes something bigger than any of us could have imagined. I’ve seen people compare Thursday’s game to some of the bigger contests in team history (Cup Finals games, etc).

Maybe take a few breaths before getting worked up about Thursday. Comparing this game to the ’99 Cup Finals? Come on, let’s relax a bit here. It’s a March game between the two worst teams in the league. The Sabres could win both games and would likely still find a way to finish behind Arizona in last place. Arizona’s streak is remarkable, but even they are due for some regression to the mean. It’s not ridiculous to think they can win maybe three of their last eight games.

We’ve talked about this all year with the Sabres, but their underlying numbers are still the worst in the league by far and latest projections on end-of-the-year point totals still have them finishing last comfortably. The only way they can win games is with incredible goaltending and a remarkable streak of good luck. Yes, we’ve seen both in the last few weeks. Anders Lindback has played out of his element and we’ve seen some weird goals scored by Buffalo. Monday saw the Sabres take the lead in the third period on a goal in which the puck shot straight up in the air, hung there for a few seconds, and landed beside the net right at Matt Moulson’s stick. If you didn’t have visions of Mario Lemieux in the 2001 playoffs, well obviously you aren’t as psychotic about past Sabres tragedies as I am. The way their luck has gone, I fully expect the Sabres to score a goal from center ice before the season is over, or perhaps on some crazy bounce that brings back memories of those Michael Jordan-Larry Bird McDonald’s commercials (off the scoreboard, one bounce on the blueline, hit both posts, back of the net).

Anyways, what I’m trying to tell you (again) is that I think we’re going to be okay. Even if the Sabres simply split the two games against Arizona, they’ll be in the driver’s seat to finish last and do so by more than two points. We’ll be nervous any time they hold a third period lead, but results like Monday’s Dallas game will be more common than not. Any little Sabres success is not sustainable.

I’ve been calm and mostly unmoved by any events throughout the first 72 games of the 2014-15 Buffalo Sabres season, but Monday was the first time I actually felt emotion watching the Sabres this year. At first it was consternation over this team again having a lead in a game they were being badly outplayed, then satisfaction as Dallas tied the game early in the third, followed by total befuddlement as the Sabres pocketed a goal that would make you throw your controller at the screen if you were playing NHL 15.

Dallas tied the game with seven minutes left and I laughed. This has become all so ridiculous. In no way, shape, or form should Buffalo be hanging around in games like this, yet here they are. And when they finally go away and people on Twitter take a step back off the ledge, it’s pretty fun. When Cody Eakin scored to put Dallas ahead for good with three minutes left, I’ll admit that I stood up, yelled, and pumped my fist. It was probably the most satisfying moment of the season. Why was it so satisfying? Not only did it get us one game closer to McDavid or Eichel, it was at least momentary confirmation that we’re going to be okay, that getting worked up about the Sabres playing too well and blowing the tank is totally unfounded and more a product of our neurotic nature as Buffalo sports fans than anything else. Monday’s win coupled with Arizona stunning Detroit in overtime on Tuesday allowed the fanbase to take a big deep breath. We’re riding this ride all the way to the end and there’s no turning back now. Just relax and watch as the Sabres get this thing to the garage.

As for those going to Thursday’s game, man, I have no idea what to tell you. I can’t imagine paying money to go loudly cheer against the Sabres, but it’s your money if you bought a ticket. Am I supposed to tell you no? Just don’t embarrass yourselves, I guess. Don’t throw things on the ice if the Sabres win. Might I suggest hanging out in the Harbour Club and watching college basketball until it’s over?

No matter what happens, Thursday night is going to be a shitshow like we’ve never seen before. I’m talking open hostilities to anyone who might actually be cheering for the Sabres to win. Please keep all sharp objects away from WGR hosts. The stuff I might see on my phone might make my eyes melt. It’s going to be an incredibly awkward experience that absolutely no one is going to enjoy, especially if the Sabres win. This is something we hopefully will never have to go through again as Sabres fans. We might have to in two years when the Bills tear down the expensive team they paid for this offseason, but that’s a different story for a different day.

Basically, Thursday night and Monday night are going to suck and I can’t wait to get this over with. The Sabres are sooooo close to locking up 30^th place and then we can all exhale and enjoy McDavid and Eichel YouTube videos (hopefully). If the worst-case scenario happens (and a lot has to happen for that scenario to unfold), I just want to remind everyone that the franchise won’t fold if we end up with Noah Hanafin or Dylan Strome. It would suck, absolutely suck not having McDavid or Eichel, and the narrative about the two will last for years to come, but there’s a lot to feel good about with this Sabres team moving forward. Please don’t burn your house down on the day of the draft lottery.

Most of all, I want to get back to cheering for my favorite hockey team to win again. We all agree that tanking is the right thing for this team to do and the smartest option they could have taken. Murray has done a remarkable job getting the team to this point. I’m not going to go all Mike Harrington and tell you that tanking is immoral or go all Bucky Gleason and tell you that other franchises are laughing at the Sabres and maybe McDavid or Eichel won’t live up to the hype (other franchises are not laughing and McDavid and Eichel are going to be great). I will tell you that this season sucks and I hope we never do this again.

Just remember that the best way to deal with the events of Thursday night will be laughter. Go ahead and laugh. Laugh at everyone ripping their hair out over Sabres goals. Laugh at a Sabres team that might give up 70 shot attempts against the freaking Arizona Coyotes. Laugh at a scrub goaltender turning into Ken Dryden and keeping the Sabres even with Arizona throughout the game. Laugh at the team Twitter feed because, well, why wouldn’t you? It’s all so ridiculous, there’s only one way to deal with it. When the dust settles on April 11, let’s all sure a laugh again because it’ll be all over (and the Sabres will be in 30^th, I’m still betting).