The season is basically over…again. The Bills are about as in the hunt to make the playoffs as Martin O’Malley is in the hunt to represent the Democratic party. Its another December of looking at draft guides, getting cheap Bills tickets on stubhub and bitching up a storm about why we are terrible. So there’s 3 games left and I’m here to try and give you practical advice on how you can cope with it. Its tough, but I’m gonna try.
5) Tanking for picks
Hey, if Jeremy White can make it like a journey to win a Stanley Cup with the Sabres tanking for McEichel, why can’t we here? Alright, I’m totally kidding because the Bills aren’t going to have a top pick at this point. However, there is a consensus of draft nuts who are more obsessed with what happens in April than during parts of the regular season. A higher pick means being able to find the best player on the board. As of right now the Bills are slated to have the 18th pick, but the Dolphins have the 8th pick right now and only have one fewer win than the Bills. Hmmm…Wouldnt your rather pick 8th than 18th? I have a way and I just threw up in my mouth while thinking about that way. Ugh. Also, if you hate Doug Whaley, you may want them to lose out so he can lose his job..but then I’d think you are a complete tool. Alright, maybe this isn’t fun. But hey…I’m just placating to the draft crowd that already has their mock drafts handy and vines of NTs and MLBs attacking some college punk QB.
4) Destroy Matt Cassel
If you are a Doug Whaley fan and you hate when public/media perception tries to bury the man, you gotta hope the Bills bury the Cowboys. Not only are the Cowboys the worst team ever because of their popularity when they have been mediocre for the last 20 years, or how their owner is a fucking clown, or that we lost to them in 2 straight SBs…but we got to deal with Matt Cassel. As some of our readers know, Buffalo Wins has decided to destroy any lamestremer who went all ballyhoo about trading Cassel. It is a narrative that will make go on a 10 minute diatribe rant about placating to sources and lamestreamers not researching backup QB stats. Trust me, the folks who want Whaley out of here will make this a big deal if the Bills somehow lose to the Cowboys. “Oh, Matt Cassel was bad enough to beat the Bills with a 175-yard game…Whaley looks foolish!!” Vic Carucci will already be trying to get Bill Polian the job as football czar and Tim Graham will be retweeting people with the IQ of a plant to get his silly BS POV across. If Matt Cassel is hot garbage against the Bills, it will give us even more ammo to tell some of our press corp. -who wouldn’t let this narrative die- to go to hell and that’s always a good day for a blogger.
3) Watch the young kids
Whenever your season is at a loss, Bills fans are always trained to look for a silver-lining they can concentrate on so they can feel good about the future. Its not going to be Mario Williams who will probably be cut next year. Its about the kiddies…the future. Its what Sabres fans did last year when they were living vicariously through Risto/Zemgus last year as the only way to enjoy the product. Right now I think we have two guys to watch: Ronald Darby and Tyrod Taylor. Darby is trying to win defensive rookie of the year and he has a hell of a shot to do this. He’s been outstanding this year and may be the best rookie the Bills have ever had. Buffalo fans love when their players get rewards and it would be fun to maybe keep track of it. As for Tyrod, I’m pretty sure he’ll be your QB next year and the more starts he gets where he hopefully plays well, the better we will feel about him being the QB next year.
2) Fuck the New York Jets playoff hopes
One of the many reasons why I hate the New York Jets happens to do with their former and our current head coach. But besides that, I hate their fans and the way they have always overblown their history. Every single popular Jet is extremely overrated. So they won a Super Bowl and we didn’t. Seriously?? Would you rather have to ask your grandfather about the time Joe Namath wore pantyhose and won a Super Bowl or just ask your older brother what it was like to go to 4 straight SBs or you are 35+ and remember this. I hate the Jets because their history is just as shitty as ours, but they are constantly in denial and trying to act like they are the Patriots. Also, I think it would be awesome to spoil their playoff dreams since I feel the final game will mean a lot to them. It would also make for a cool story that Rex fucked them over by sweeping them. Yes, if we are going to football hell this year, I’m taking everyone else with me!!
1) Don’t watch
If I didn’t have a website or tickets to Bills/Cowboys, I would totally take what’s behind door #1 here. Hell, I’d go off the grid and just delete Twitter/Facebook. Go outside and enjoy the weather. If you hate being outside there are some killer movies coming out this holiday year. Thank goodness for Star Wars. In all honestly, I’d rather see Force Awakens 3 times than see the last 3 games. Guys…Han Solo, Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker are back!! That’s like Jim Kelly/Bruce/Thurman coming out of retirement. Quentin Tarantino has a new bloodbath movie coming out starring Kurt Russel -the coolest 64-year-old ever- and Samuel “Motherfucking L” Jackson. If you need a football fix, go see Will Smith’s Concussion movie and say “tell the Troof” instead of “tell the Truth”. My man crush Leo DiCaprio is being chased by some bear in Alaska which looks cool. I mean, the dude hasn’t made a bad movie since he was running on a beach as a 20-something year old on acid. Seriously, there are some bad ass movies coming out that will be more entertaining and less frustrating than watching meaningless football.
The bottom line is you don’t owe it to the Bills to watch these 3 games. You won’t lose your fan credibility since you’ve been here since the #16fallsofbuffalo started. There’s no badge of honor for making it through this shitty football adventure. What is the point? Just don’t watch and go on with your life and come back in January to see if Doug Whaley gets canned or not.
Honorable mentions:
–Washington and Dan Snyder are just hot garbage. The refused to get rid of the Redskins name when its blatantly racist and Snyder makes Ralph Wilson look like Terry Pegula. They don’t ever deserve to make the playoffs or win a division. Also, never forget SB26.
—Beating up anyone who tries to powerbomb their way through a table at a Bills tailgate.
—There won’t be any Bills shitty football to watch until August, so, savor the football games.
—See Mario Williams rip off his pads in the final game and give Rex the finger.
—See how Rex Ryan will show his bravado by continuing to say that we are making the playoffs after the Bills have been mathematically eliminated.
- Me: Its over, Rex…
- Rex: NOTHING IS OVER!! [Rambo voice]
—Get wasted at Bills games, but don’t get on Deadspin.
—Watch other football games.
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