Ask Lee Stempniak: Because We Love the Hits

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S living room.)
STEMPNIAK: Hello, folks! Welcome back to Ask Lee Stempniak! I have a whole new team and new friends for my show.
MARTIN ST. LOUIS: I’m not sure if we’re really “friends”, Lee. You’re kinda weird.
HENRIK LUNDQVIST: I do always like helping out the less fortunate.
STEMPNIAK: Anyway, my guests today are Martin St. Louis and Henrik Lundqvist. Let’s get started, am I right?
ST. LOUIS: Sure.
LUNDQVIST: I guess.
STEMPNIAK: Our first question comes to us from Christy, who’s right here in New York. Christy writes, “Dear Lee Stempniak: I’ve been working on a big project with a bunch of people. It’s really intricate and it’s almost finished. We were all together about to present this work and the new guy flipped his lid! He went on some long rant about how we’re all pieces of shit and we need to know who he is, even though he’s never really done this kind of work before! The rest of us have been working super hard on this and now we’re scrambling in an attempt to find a replacement. How do I recover from this? Do I let other know about this incident?
ST. LOUIS: What a shithead.
LUNDQVIST: What problem do you have with this person?
ST. LOUIS: I mean the shithead who screwed up. It sounds like a guy I know from somewhere. He totally had his head up his ass.
STEMPNIAK: I know what you mean. I think we’ve all had that guy in our lives at one point or another.
LUNDQVIST:I think the best course of action is to pull the supervisor or whatever aside and explain this situation. Don’t use it as an excuse, but just be upfront about what happened. Don’t throw the guy under the bus, because that’s just going to put you on their level and make it a thing.
STEMPNIAK: And besides, if the other people are as awesome at this as the letter-writer says they are, I’m sure they can fix it.
ST. LOUIS: And next time, don’t work with this guy ever again, if at all possible. If you can’t avoid it, have a contingency plan in place to keep you from getting screwed again.
STEMPNIAK: Good job, guys. The next letter is from Danny in Tampa, who asks, “So, I suppose you’ve heard about this kid who’s going to the penalty box and everywhere to whack it. I think ‘Dear Prudence’ had a good angle, but I just wanted to get your take on it. ”
ST. LOUIS: I think we need “Blister in the Sun” on play here.
LUNDQVIST: To be honest, I’m a little impressed if he’s doing it in the penalty box. There’s an awful lot of padding and stuff to get through, jerk it, finish, and reposition, all in two minutes. I mean, obviously it’s gross and not at all gentlemanly, but it’s a feat, if nothing else.
STEMPNIAK: Like fitting your fist in your mouth.
ST. LOUIS: Or eating your weight in cheese.
STEMPNIAK: But… we’ve all been fourteen. And we’ve all had that stage of recognizing that “man, masturbation is awesome.” It’s the fact that it’s getting in the way of the games and it’s being a roadblock to the rest of his life that is the problem.
ST. LOUIS: Right. There’s no need to get all gloom and doom, you know, it’ll make you go blind. Just, you know, be private about jerking it.
LUNDQVIST: Maybe get him some tissues and lube or lotion.
STEMPNIAK: The last question is from Ken in St. Louis who asks, “Some of my coworkers and I went to a work trip, and we all came back from it sick as hell. We found out some other people went to the same place and got got sick as hell, too. What the hell is wrong with Los Angeles? Is it Ebola?”
ST. LOUIS: I don’t think we can make diagnoses over the internet.
LUNDQVIST: If they’re all still alive and not puking blood, I think it’s probably not Ebola.
STEMPNIAK: Sometimes, people get sick. And in certain places, like conferences, germs are spread like crazy.
ST. LOUIS: Maybe call the place you were at and explain what’s up.
LUNDQVIST:And get lots of rest and fluids. (A sudden crashing from the next room) WHAT WAS THAT?
ST. LOUIS: I swear, if it’s Ryan Malone doing wheelies and hucking rocks, I’m going to…I’m gonna..I’ll have words. Maybe a strongly worded letter. (A black and white cat bounds in and out of the room.)
LUNDQVIST: Was that….it couldn’t be…
STEMPNIAK: It’s Buttons!
ST. LOUIS: No. No, it wasn’t. Buttons isn’t a real cat.
LUNDQVIST: He is a toy cat, like a doll.
STEMPNIAK: BUTTONS IS A REAL CAT.
ST. LOUIS: Lee, did you…
LUNDQVIST: Do you do some spooky black magic stuff to make Buttons into a real cat?
STEMPNIAK: NO.
ST. LOUIS: Did you just wish really hard?
STEMPNIAK: …Maybe.
ST. LOUIS: (sighs)
LUNDQVIST: It’s an adorable cat.
STEMPNIAK: Thank you.