Fan Mail

We haven’t opened up the Cards Diaspora mail sack in some time. And after receiving this gem earlier today, we figured why the hell are we denying you, fair reader, the joy that we experience on a regular basis?

We’re selfish pricks. That’s why.

So here’s some atonement. And yes, this really is an e-mail from a reader whose name is redacted. But we’ll call her The Hammer All Sic’d…

“I’ve seen a lot in my line of work. I once encountered a boy who had sex with dogs. While he was screwing the dogs, he would put a plastic bag over their heads and suffocate them to death. He would then mutilate them, and keep some of their doggy parts in a small fridge in his bedroom. Disturbing, I know. And this was not even the reason why this boy was locked up.

Seems lately some of you Cards fans would portray Lohse as one of these dogs getting it from behind while gasping for his last breath. Well, Mr. Lohse, congrats on your first win, and for all of who you are following this up with “it’s about time,” you can suck it. While it is his first win and he doesn’t have the greatest of ERA’s, it’s too early to be hating on Lohse. It’s too early to be hating on ANY of the Cardinals for that matter.

That’s right, I’m one of those patient, optimistic Cardinals fans who burps butterflies and craps rainbows. There are few Cardinals I can recall losing my patience with-Weaver, Duncan, and Izzy only come to mind. But for you pessimistic whining-ass fans out there, quit your bitching and start cheering on your team. Yes we are a half game back, yes we were on a sucky losing streak, yes our hitter’s bats were quiet, yes Ryan made some errors, and no Holliday is not performing. So what. Teams have slumps, players have slumps. It happens, and it’s okay to happen…in May anyway. Now come Aug/Sept if this shit is happening, that’s a different story.

But come on, Pujols is still the shit. Ludwick has been somewhat of a stud lurking in the shadows. Molina continues to pleasantly surprise me. Freese, Schumaker, and Rasmus have been holding their own. I have faith that Holliday will come around (really though Matthew, it’s about time). The Cardinals are still a kick-ass ball team, and it’s going to be a great season. So yes, Mr. ATHooks, the Cardinals ARE a good. For you negative Nancy fans that need help with shitting rainbows, here’s this (LINK TO SUPRISE KITTY) I get warm and fuzzy inside no matter how many times I watch it.”

So there you go. Want to trade e-mail addresses for the day?