A CD Guide to Investments

Busch Stadium. Sunday, August 22^nd 2010.

It was a monumental day.

HUGE.

It was a day of greatness and grand delight. My family took that day in TOGETHER and came out of it, collectively, as real winners.

And no, you are wrong if you’re thinking it had anything to do with Jaime Garcia’s complete game, three hit shutout in which he faced only one more than the minimum number of batters and threw just 89 pitches.

No, friends, it’s because it was Chris Carpenter bobblehead day! Wooooooboy, what a spectacular shit show that place was! You would think they were giving away solid gold statuettes that we could all melt down and sell to one of those “cash for gold” places in the event of an all but certain apocalypse. I have never in my life seen a massive group of people stand in line on a 90 degree day in anticipation of something so infinitely PRECIOUS.

It’s Chris Carpenter! Made out of some sort of plaster/plastic hybrid that I’m not smart enough to identify! It has a TRANE logo on it! And his head bobbles!!! WHY WAS THIS NOT NATIONAL NEWS?

Thank goodness my mom brought her trusty backpack, or we would not have had the capacity to handle all of our bobbleheaded goodness. (Cool backpack, Mom!)

I personally had grand designs for my little guy. He’s sitting in waiting on my boss’s desk (super diehard annoying Cubs fan), but I’m just SURE that there is a legitimate reason for hording these absolutely PRICELESS pieces of art that hold such a striking resemblance to #29 (if you squint real hard to the point of nearly passing out).

Such magic!

I encourage all of you to get on eBay IMMEDIATELY and get one for yourself. Screw all of the small children who didn’t make it in time to grab one for themselves. YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE, SUCKAS! I now know fulfillment like never before.

And also, Jaime Garcia did such good job! What an awesome added bonus to what turned out to be the best day ever because of these Chris Carpenter bobblehead dolls! WE ARE ALL WINNERS!