Woohoo!!! We did it guys!!! David Freese and a psychotic squirrel were all that it took to take this team from the brink of elimination to TOTAL DOMINATION. I mean, we ARE done now, right? We won this thing and can all move on with our lives? RIGHT???? The season is over and we are champions and everything is great and I can now stop losing sleep and writing completely nonsensical manifestos about turtles?
SOMEONE PLEASE CONFIRM.
It honestly seems surreal to me how this has all developed.
I mean, WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING?
I found myself in a situation tonight where a friend of mine, an unapologetic baseball dumdum, asked me if this win meant the Cardinals were going to the World Series. I then explained that, “No. This means they get to play one more game, which will determine if the Cards play another seven game series with a different team that will decide whether they go to the World Series. In which they would play another seven games.”
And I swear, that conversation made me want to take a ten year nap and pour bleach up my nostrils. I was so delirious over winning this game that I hadn’t even CONSIDERED just how early we are in the playoffs. The way I was thinking, and more importantly, the way I was BEHAVING, you would have thought that THIS WAS IT. I was ready to take a potato peeler to my eyeball if it meant the Cardinals would win this game and force game five. Yet, we now have to actually play game five. In Philadelphia.
THAT IS WORSE THAN MOST CANCERS ALTHOUGH I CANNOT THINK OF WHICH ONES SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL TERRIBLE.
OH, SHIT. I am already getting WAAAAY ahead of things and maybe just a tad bit over-dramatic.
Good grief, what kind of masochist am I? I had to ask myself a lot of serious questions about this. And despite the wreckage my BRAINWORLD has become, I am actually still very serious about wanting it. It feels weird to invite that kind of anxiety, particularly when this whole goddamn MESS was outside the realm of possibility until about a week ago.
All I know, is that no one wants to hear me complain about being in the playoffs. Which is weird, because that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing. It’s incredible how quickly I use that as an excuse for completely unrelated things. “Uh…you didn’t return my phone call.” “You are correct. PLAYOFFS.” “Trumbsy, I had asked you to send this to me before 10:00 AM.” “Good grief, do I need to spell it out for you? PLAYOFFS!” “LADY, YOU JUST RAN OVER MY DOG!!!!” “What is wrong with you, dammit, the Cardinals are in the PLAYOFFS!!!”
I’m quickly spiralling out of control. Do they have sponsors for this kind of thing? I’m not sure how I’m supposed to operate at this point. Am I hopeful? Cynical? Delusional? Excited for more reasons to see a cardiologist? Who even knows anymore. I just hope that everyone I encounter over the next two days is equipped with a special patience device that allows me to simmer and stew in peace. Because the last thing I need is someone with unrealistic expectations. I mean, SHIT. Game five in Philly. This is for REAL. Someone should tell ESPN.
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