Bachelor Finale – Recap

Prince Farming is betrothed.

Bachelor Chris got down on one knee and proposed to Whitney Bischoff Monday night.

Well, technically it was some undisclosed time in the past, but we didn’t see it until Monday night.

Still, they’re getting married.

The CD Bachelor Live Blog lost steam about 1 episode in this season, but we were still watching. In no particular order, some thoughts on the season and the finale:

This won’t last.

I know, really going out on a limb.

But I feel pretty qualified to speak on Whitney’s situation because A – I’ve lived in a small town in Kentucky and B – I’m currently living in Chicago. And while Whitney might be telling herself that she can go back to the rural life after living in the big city – she can’t.

It’s pretty binary – if you’re the type of person that will move from a small town to a big city, then you’re not cut out for a small town. And vice versa.

You make a choice, but, sans the occasional bad decision – usually for love – your first choice is what you actually want. And it’s not to say you can’t enjoy the country life if you live in the city or a getaway to the big city if you’re a farmer, but LIVING?

Nah, bruh.

Here’s what she told US Weekly about the move and deep sixing her career as a fertility nurse:

“I think I’m going to wait and figure it out. I did talk to his mom during the hometown…about what part she plays in the business and what she thinks I can do, so I’m ready to get there and to help in any way I can. I don’t know that we’ll know until we get there what that really means.”

Ooof.

Every relationship moves past the honeymoon phase to IRL. Unfortunately for Chris and Whitney, it’s probably coming sooner than they’d like.

Becca, man.

Girl is ice cold.

You ever seen the final dumpee so unfazed? It wasn’t like she was relieved, but she certainly wasn’t upset. Not even a tear. Not even a tear precursor.

I could fell the producer in the limo with her ACHING to get some sort of reaction to help carry this penultimate moment through to the proposal that was coming… but there she sat – expressionless.

Can’t say I remember a girl getting this far in the game by using the ‘actually, I don’t really like you that much’ strategy. In the real world, it’s generally fool-proof for women. But on this show? Usually you get sussed out by the final 6 or so.

So progress?

Britt’s showering habits yet to be revealed.

I’m not a woman. Never have been.

But if everyone was questioning my hygiene, I think I’d do two things – first, set the record straight. Then roll with it if people wanted to make a joke about it. But I’d most certainly set the record straight.

She’s got the second part down.

This isn’t France, Britt. We have rules here.

Speaking of…

Britt’s going to be The Bachelorette.

Well, technically she’s going to have to enure a night of sexist voting before she gets the official title. But if you think that Britt is going to lose a flirt-off against Kaitlyn with 25 half-cocked straight men – then you’re crazy.

Have you seen that hair flip. It’s 0-v-e-r.

Final thoughts?

We expected milquetoast. And we got it.

Farmer Chris was a nice guy on Andi’s season. Was a nice guy on his season. He was and always will be like a pork steak – perfectly acceptable, occasionally enjoyable but never a filet minion.

He came. He saw. He got engaged in a barn.

Fin.

It’s time we focused on the crown jewel of network broadcasting… Bachelor In Paradise!

Photo: ABC