One simply does not ‘walk into’ Busch Stadium.
+++++
Because ISIS has moved into the US and is looking for hot dog chompin’, beer swillin’ mid-westerners, Busch Stadium has installed metal detectors at every entrance.
You guys? The lines this year are going to suuuuuuuuuuuck.
“On the one hand, everybody will now have to go through a security screening,” the team’s vice president of operations, Joe Abernathy, said Thursday. “But walking through a detector will be faster than getting scanned with a wand.”
Ok, ok. Starting to feel a bit better about this.
But wait a second. I don’t remember everyone being wand-ed at Busch Stadium every single game. Maybe he’s thinking of the playoffs? Maybe I was too turnt?
For years, the club has used hand-held wands to scan a random sample of fans.
Ahh – so I probably haven’t been wand-ed.
But back to these metal detectors. How exactly is this going to work? Is it going to be like the airport where I’ve got to take everything out of my pockets or risk getting rejected?
Abernathy said passing through detectors at Busch will be a lot easier than doing so at Lambert Airport. “You won’t have to take off your shoes and belt, like at the airport.”
Good. Someone was thinking this through.
“But you will have to take out your cellphone and your keys and set them on a table.”
Are. You. Kidding. Me.
Please give me some of what you’re on, Joe. It’s Friday and I’m ready to party. Have you been to an airport recently? You really think this is going to be easy for people?
45 thousand people needing to lay down a set of keys and a cell phone on a table sounds pretty much like the cluster of all fucks.
So you set your keys and phone on a table.
How does it get to you on the other side? Does someone pass it around the side of the detector? Are they going to have the same octogenarians that were scanning your tickets last season doing this job as well?
Gone are the days where you could show up 10 minutes before the game and get to your seat for the National Anthem. Basically you’re going to be in an airport security line every single game this season. Only with way more people that have been boozing.
Oh, and if some guy accidentally has a knife in his pants he forgot about and a ‘supervisor’ needs to be called into to ‘asses the situation’… you’re going to be in people gridlock FOR-EVER.
Sounds like F-U-N!
On the bright side, all the murders, stabbings and gun play that has plagued Busch for the past few seasons is going to be drastically cut down.
Photo: YouTube
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