In the past two years, we’ve gotten Lost in a galaxy far, far away, as we’ve tried to predict the twists and turns of the NFL season. This year, we aren’t playing around any more. We are here to crack some skulls and bring swift justice to the NFL. That’s right, we are looking for a dark tone this year. With that, we give you the NFL in 2009…Batman style.
UPDATE: Looking back over this season, I’d say we did pretty well. Can you tell which conference we actually follow?
|
Prediction |
AFC East |
Batman Character | Result | Comment | |
|
Patriots 13-3 |
 |
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Clooney Batman: Looked like the hero, but the nipply batsuit was creepy and evil. |
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10-6 Seriously underperformed expectations. Health of franchise in doubt. |
|
Bills 7-9 |
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Killer Croc: A classic case of alligator arms. |
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6-10 Doomed to live in the sewer |
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Dolphins 6-10 |
 |
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Mr. Freeze: Scares no one, but we can’t stop staring at it. |
|
7-9 Defense needed thawed out |
|
Jets 4-12 |
 |
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Young Bruce Wayne: Too inexperienced to hurt the real villains yet |
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9-7
Batman Begins You couldn’t ask for a better start to a franchise reboot. |
| Prediction | AFC North | Batman Character | |||
|
Steelers 11-5 |
 |
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Keaton Batman: Hard to argue with the success, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it. | |
9-7 A little overrated. |
|
Ravens 10-6 |
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The Joker: Crazy is written all over his face. | |
9-7 Turned upside down, but still kicking |
|
Bengals 6-10 |
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The Scarecrow: Equal parts disturbing and hilarious. | |
10-6
The Scarecrow (Batman Begins): Not my choice for an ideal foe, but it worked out, I suppose. |
|
Browns 5-11 |
 |
 |
Chirs O’Donnel Robin: Sexy is not the same as talented |
|
5-11 A once promising career, now destined for second string roles |
| Prediction | AFC South | Batman Character | |||
|
Colts 12-4 |
 |
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The Dark Knight: The hero we deserve and the hero we need. |
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14-2 He’ll take the blame…even though it’s not his fault. |
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Texans 10-6 |
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Poison Ivy (BTAS): Hard to resist the temptation |
|
9-7 Get in bed with them, and you’ll get a rash |
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Titans 9-7 |
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Bane: Worthy enemy known mostly for his physical prowess. |
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8-8 Will pound on you, but if you are smart you can beat them. |
|
Jaguars 6-10 |
 |
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Cat woman: No one goes to see them. Destined to get screwed by Batman |
|
7-9 P–sy |
| Prediction | AFC West | Batman Character | |||
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Chargers 14-2 |
 |
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Commissioner Gordon: Good at his job, but not nearly as interesting as Batman |
|
13-3 Second fiddle. |
|
Chiefs 9-7 |
 |
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Harley Quinn: Not as brilliant as the originally criminally insane clown. |
|
4-12
Heist Henchmen Getting offed early |
|
Raiders 5-11 |
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Alfred (Batman and Robin): Old man who keeps on helping out Batman. Frankly, the relationship disturbs me. |
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5-11 Die already. |
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Broncos 4-12 |
 |
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Two Face (Batman Forever): A disaster from the moment we laid eyes on it. |
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8-8 First they’re good, then evil, finally pathetic. |
| Prediction | NFC East | Batman Character | |||
|
Giants 11-5 |
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Mr. and Mrs. Wayne: Tragically gunned down. The survivor never recovered. |
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8-8 Dead before the second act |
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Eagles 11-5 |
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Manbat: The victim of a lame experiment gone horribly wrong |
|
11-5 Got more attention than they deserved |
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Cowboys 7-9 |
 |
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The Mad Hatter: Believes he is the protagonist of the story, but can’t nail the ending. | |
11-5
Stately Wayne Manor: Over the top, but functional |
|
Redskins 6-10 |
 |
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The Ventriloquist: No matter whose lips are moving, we know who is pulling the strings |
|
4-12 Gums flapping, but no one is listening. |
| Prediction | NFC North | Batman Character | |||
|
Bears 12-4 |
 |
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Clayface: Remarkably transformed, strong and adaptable |
|
7-9
Owlman Throwing to the wrong team |
|
Vikings 8-8 |
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Batman (Adam West): Old and dated. Lingering scent of cheese |
|
12-4
Old Bruce Wayne: Don’t mess with this dude. He may be gone, but you know he’s coming back. |
|
Packers 7-9 |
 |
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Bruce Wayne: Batman without the hero complex |
|
11-5
Silver Age Batman: Classic hero type |
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Lions 6-10 |
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Penguin (Batman Returns): Disgusting…if you bother to watch |
|
2-14 Still smells fishy |
| Prediction | NFC South | Batman Character | |||
|
Saints 10-6 |
 |
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Batman Squirt Gun: Truly frightening weapon. We aren’t sure what it is good for. |
|
13-3
Grappling Gun: Multi-use weapon saves the day in inventive and unexpected ways. |
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Panthers 7-9 |
 |
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The Henchmen: Interchangeable parts deliver a beating, but won’t ensure victory. |
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8-8 Cause a little chaos, but lack a competent point man. |
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Falcons 6-10 |
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Robin: Young. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but gets worse as things move along. |
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9-7 Heading in the wrong direction |
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Bucs 5-11 |
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The Riddler (TV): A lot more questions than answers |
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3-13 Has a screw loose upstairs |
| Prediction | NFC West | Batman Character | |||
|
Seahawks 10-6 |
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Old Batman (The Dark Knight Returns): He’s back…but he’s showing his age. |
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5-11
Lego Batman Broken into little pieces |
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Rams 8-8 |
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Nicole Kidman as Chase Meridan: Totally out of place on this list. Not at all where you would expect to find them. |
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1-15
uuuugly
|
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Cardinals 6-10 |
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Rachel Dawes: Rises from mediocrity only to die a painful death |
|
10-6
Vickie Vale: Hotter than I gave them credit for |
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49ers 5-11 |
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Batgirl: A thinly veiled excuse to dress up in tights |
|
8-8 Barbara Gordon:
Pretty useful from time to time. |
Alicia Grissom:
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