How the Bruins Stole Game Seven

Every Bruins fan down in Boston Liked the Playoffs a lot… 

But the Players, Who lived just North of Boston, apparently Did NOT! 

The Players hated the Playoffs! The whole Playoff season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that their heads weren’t in the game quite right. It could be, perhaps, that their skates were too tight. But we think that the most likely reason of all may have been that their hearts were two sizes too small. 

But, whatever the reason, their hearts or their skates, they stood there on Game Seven, being incredibly lazy with their play, staring down from their bear cave with a sour, un-Bruiny frown at the warm lighted smiles just one bench down. For they knew every Leaf down in Leafville beneath was busy now, hanging a “First Round Victory” wreath. 

"Toronto’s been much better at hockey!" they snarled with a sneer. "Game Seven is done in just ten minutes! Our end is practically here!" they growled, with their bear fingers nervously drumming, "We MUST find a way to keep golf season from coming!"

For, in ten minutes, they knew all the Leafs down in Leafville, the girls and boys, would turn Toronto into a zoo. They’d rush for Maple Leaf second round toys! And then… all the Twitter noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing they hated! The Twitter NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE as the Boston media and fans over reacted.

Then the Leafs, young and old, would sit down to a decade first feast. And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! They would start on Seguin pudding, especially in the corners, and feast on rare Whocic, which was a thought the Bruins couldn't stand in the least! 

And then they’d do something the Bruins liked least of all! Every Leaf down in Leafville, even Van Reimsdyve and Reimer, would stand close together, with Playoff victory bells ringing. They’d stand in the hand shake line….and the Leafs would start singing! 

They’d sing! And they’d sing! AND they’d SING! SING! SING! SING! And the more the Bruins thought of the Leaf-Victory-Song the more the Bruins thought, "No, we must stop this whole thing!” "If a team will sing of victory it must be us! We’re down 4-1 and must come back…but HOW?" 

Then Coach Julien got an idea! An awful idea! Julien GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "I know just what to do!" Julien laughed in his throat. “I’ll MAKE my team stop playing like a pile of poo!” And the coaching staff made up a quick couple of plays with a snap. And they chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Bruin rouse!” "With this Bergy and this Rask, we’ll finally unleash the fury and FINALLY complete our task!”

"All we need is a heart transplant…" Then Julien looked around. But since for the first six games heart had been scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Bruins? No! The coaching staff simply said, "If we can't find a new heart, we'll revive the old one instead!" So they called their dog Horty, then they took some an old video thread and they said “we need you to be this old clutch Horton instead!” 

Then Horton just nodded and skated away, tossing the old bag of gorillas off his back and let his killer instinct take over instead. Krejci and Looch skated into the offensive zone but instead of looking like old empty sacks, they were determined to score and help old Horton come back!

Then the Bruins yelled, "CHARGE!" And they skated down toward James Reimer in the Leafs net,  whose glove hand lay a-snooze in every game he’d played yet. 

With TD Garden half empty and a villainous stare, Nate Horton took Krejci’s pass without care. Horton fired at Reimer, with Bruins nations’ heart barely beating and two seconds later the red light was beaming! “This is just part one of our improbable comeback” old Julien said and Boston went back to the drawing board before Reimer’s glove hand got out of bed.

There was less than two minutes and Boston was in a tight pinch. “But this is the Leafs we are playing, so let’s make them our bitch!” With savior Rask on the bench for the extra skater, big bodied Lucic finally realized what to do and stuck his huge frame in front or Reimer for a moment or two and with Big Z grinning Lucic smiled too.

Chara fired a slapshot and Lucic knew what was coming, so he angled his stick towards James Reimer and moments later TD Garden was humming! Suddenly only up by one Toronto had no answer as their “captain” Phaneuf looked more like a dancer.

Boston slithered and slunk, with grins most unpleasant and they looked around Toronto’s whole bench and saw all their buttholes clenching. Boston took every faceoff! Every shot! Every hit! They battled in the corners and were no longer playing like shit!

With hope slowly growing Boston returned to their bench, still needing one goal to erase the smell of that 4-1 stench. Rask was excited his team was FINALLY responding, for he had given his all for seven games without stopping. With the clock ticking down and their options running out, Boston turned to their best player whose play through six games had been in a drought.

“We’ve stuffed three goals past James Reimer with glee! And now,” Patrice Bergeron said, “this is all up to me.”

Bergeron grabbed the puck and burst into Toronto’s zone with a shove, when he heard a small sound before he could try to slip one more past Reimer’s glove. He turned around fast and saw a small Leaf! Little Philly Lou, who had less balls than two.

Kessel had come out again to show why he’d been the Bruins master but Bergeron knew he had to somehow be faster. Kessel stared at Bergy and said “It’s over Patrice, it’s time we put you and your Bruins season to bed!”

But, you know, that Bergy was so smart and so slick, he deked out Toronto’s defense and he deked them out quick! “Sorry Phil, I know you don’t suck,” the great Bergeron said. “But I can’t let my team go out like this, not on my life, so I have to send you golfing. I’m sorry, tough luck!”

And Bergy’s moves fooled Toronto as he patted their heads and fired a great shot as the Bruins scored yet again. An improbable comeback with the score finally tied, with Jack Edwards yelling so much we thought he heart might give out and die. TD Garden’s roof was blown off and the ice crew cleaned up as the Boston crowed chanted “WE WANT THE CUP!”

Game Seven was heading to overtime as the Bruins stole Toronto’s fire, as all Bruins fans watching the game wondered how they rediscovered their desire. As overtime started, the Leafs were given one spec of hope but former Leaf draft pick Tuukka Rask’s glove hand just said “nope!”

Leafs fans watched on in horror and could see defeat on all the Leafs players’ faces as they openly wondered if all their excitement had been wasted.

It was a quarter into overtime with neither fan base a-snooze and during each stop in play each fan got themselves more booze. The play was fast paced and the chances kept coming as each fan base knew that crushing heart break could soon be coming.

The Bruins thought back to when they were up three to one and how their performance in this series thus far had been incredibly dumb. “Toronto will be easy,” the Bruins were humming. “If Game One was this easy, tell Toronto golf season is coming!”

But the Bruins finally woke up, almost too late and they finally realized that their team was once great. With all motors running it was their series to lose, and each Bruin knew Toronto wouldn’t allow them a moment to snooze.

“There’s a noise,” grinned the Bruins, “that we simply must hear!” So they paused and each Bruin put a hand to their ear and they did hear a sound rising over the arena. They knew for 55 minutes they had not given their fans much reason to cheer but all of a sudden “LET’S GO BRUINS” was all they could hear.

Toronto’s bench looked baffled and incredibly sad. “We were up three goals,” they said, “How did it get this bad!?”

But the Bruins stared down Toronto, looked right in their eyes. Toronto was shaking and was even too weak to dive.

Every Leaf down in Leafville, even Phaneuf’s tiny balls, was shaking and peeing! They no longer had confidence at all! The Leafs could not stop the Boston onslaught from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, the Bruins were no longer the same.

And the Leafs, with their hopes now hanging so low, stood puzzling and puzzling, “Why can’t the Bruins still blow?” They came back without cheating! They came back without Seids! If they give the puck to Bergeron again we think we might cry!”

No matter the reason, Toronto’s asses were now sore while Boston thought of something they hadn’t before. “Maybe Playoff victory,” they thought, “doesn’t come in a box. Maybe we actually have to TRY and play as smart as a fox!”

And what happened, then? Well, in Boston they say… the Bruins small hearts grew three sizes that game.

And then…the true meaning of the playoffs came through, and each Bruin found the strength of TEN Bruins… plus two!

And at that moment the second line didn’t feel so uptight. They skated and the battled like they hadn’t all night. And as Seguin and Marchand surrounded Reimer to fight, Bergeron found the puck and he lit the red light.

The comeback complete, Bruins players jumping around, they somehow, incredibly, moved on to the second round.