Hey, it is almost September! That means that Bruins training camp is going to be here before we know it. With that, it is time to take a look at the 2014-2015 Boston Bruins as the roster stands today and I’m going to do it the only way I can – with cuss words and sweet, sweet sarcasm.
Offseason
If I had to sum up Peter Chiarelli’s offseason with one gif it would probably be this one:
Look – shut the fuck up about the Bruins have shitty salary cap because the Bruins did it to themselves. It’s not like Jeremy Jacobs came storming up from hell, riding a winged Gary Bettman and said “Peter, you must sign Jarome Iginla and in the process weaken next year’s cap by over $4M due to his bonus penalties!” and then threaten to smite Chiarelli’s family and have them work for Delware North. I’m aware of the Bruins cap issues, I just don’t feel bad because Peter Chiarelli backed himself into a corner. Chiarelli tried a “win now” strategy that didn’t work for numerous reasons.
Whether it is the top of the Bruins payroll is filled with guys who don’t deserve the money they are making, that the Bruins can’t get the Canadiens out of their head or that the Bruins important players have the maturity of a 3 year old doesn’t matter. What matters is that Chiarelli put this team in such a vulnerable situation you’ll likely see it fighting for a $5 bill in Bum Fights Vol. 6.
It all starts with the departures:
Jarome Iginla is gone to Colorado because someone else could throw more than the monetary value of a McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish at him.
Shawn Thornton is gone to Florida because that’s where old people (in NHL terms) go to retire.
Chad Johnson is gone to New York to introduce himself to some new people.
Corey Potter is…wait…how the fuck was Corey Potter?
Thankfully, Chiarelli balanced that with the additions of:
Um. Hold on, let me check some other websites.
That’s right. No one. Not a single fucking person.
What’s even more jarring is that Torey Krug and Reilly Smith are still unsigned because they fall under a special circumstance. While I may not be the biggest fan of Torey Krug, I’m aware of his offensive importance to this team. Yes, he’s so sheltered defensively that homeless people are legally changing their name to Welch and Smuckers because they’re so jelly, but that doesn’t (and shouldn’t) negate his offensive prowess.
Call it luck.
Call it fate.
Call it karma.
Call it whatever you’d like but Torey Krug and the dreaded eyeball test says he made a difference on the Bruins power play.
Meanwhile, Reilly Smith went through some growing pains last year that included an 11 game goalless streak but overall played really well with Patrice Bergeron and Brad Marchand. In a system of built on consistency and never really deviating away from changing lines – not having Smith signed to a contract could hurt the production from Bergeron and Marchand.
Now, with all that bullshit said – Chiarelli has the advantage here because Krug and Smith can’t be signed by any NHL teams. There’s a rumor that a KHL team offered Torey Krug a pretty “sizable” deal – but if you’re not Russian why the fuck would you want to go play in Russia?!
To say the Bruins’ offseason has been good means that you probably did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with a bucket full of donkey spunk and bleach and instead of dumping on your head – you drank it.
Projected Lineup
Okay before I continue I have been advised by my lawyers to display this message.
The following block of text is so terrible, especially in the third and fourth lines, that it may cause vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, muscle spasms, eye explosions, your significant other to leave you for a homely looking individual. It should not be viewed by minor, women who are pregnant or women who are planning to be pregnant. In fact, the next block of text should not be viewed by anyone. If you view the next block of text and you have any of these symptoms or are a male who becomes pregnant – Days of Y’Orr is not responsible and there is cab fare on the dresser just make sure to start the coffee when you leave.
Milan Lucic – David Krejci – Loui Eriksson
Brad Marchand – Patrice Bergeron – Reilly Smith (unsigned)
Chris Kelly – Carl Söderberg – Dan Paille
Ryan Spooner – Gregory Campbell – Jordan Caron
Zdeno Chara – Dougie Hamilton
Dennis Seidenberg – Johnny Boychuk
Torey Krug (unsigned) – Adam McQuaid/Kevan Miller
Tuukka Rask
Niklas Svedberg
Jesus fucking Christ. Those last two lines are cringe worthy. It makes me feel bad for Carl Söderberg. He has to be on a line with a guy whose hands belong on Easter Island and another guy who is held together by twine and paper clips. Young and promising and dashingly handsome Carl Söderberg is stuck between a gimp and a stone hands. The fucked up thing is if he puts up sub-40 points this season, people will be ready to run him out of town and the Boston media will run stories about how he was caught in the alley next to Sully’s banging some prostitute. The smear campaign will look like the inside of a porta-potty next to a taco stand.
The fourth line should revoke a gag reflex in you if you’re a Bruins fan. While I don’t think Jordan Caron will see a lot of time with the Bruins, I don’t know if there is another able body in Providence. Alexander Khokhlachev isn’t ready for full-time NHL work right now. Matt Fraser could be slotted into the third line right wing position which would allow Dan Paille to play his natural position of less than 10 minutes a game and thus allow Jordan Caron to do what he’s best at: nothing.
That’s the issue with this whole fucking lineup. You don’t know where to put anyone. Will Matt Fraser come in and be able to play? Can Ryan Spooner – after years of the Bruins saying that they don’t want him on the wing – play the wing? Will Gregory Campbell learn to play hockey at some point between now and October? Will Loui Eriksson keep his head up? Will Loui Eriksson keep his head on? Will Milan Lucic grow the fuck up after watching him turn into a 6’3″, 235 lb baby in two playoff rounds? The only true constant is that you can not ask enough questions about the people who hold down these positions.
Final Thoughts
The Bruins will be good enough to make it into the playoffs – which isn’t hard because their division looks like it will once again be Tampa, Boston and Montreal fighting for the top three spots and Detroit more than likely limping into a wild card spot. The bottom of the Atlantic Division is trash – looking at you Buffalo!
Boston still has a Vezina goaltender and a defense that most GMs touch themselves to when they go to bed at night. With incredible depth in the defensive department, Chiarelli will more than likely trade a defenseman (PLEASE NOT BOYCHUK) and either:
Free up cap space
Bring in another forward (PLEASE NOT NAIL YAKUPOV)
I would temper expectations for this team though. We’re not going to watch a President’s Trophy team who probably got a little help from most of the team taking two weeks off in the middle of the season. Overall, I would expect Boston to be 4th or 5th in the East this year. I just don’t think their forwards will be good enough and Montreal is so deep in their heads they’re starting to lay eggs.
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