Editor’s note: Tonight’s recap was written by the always funny Bree Mellen. Check her out on Twitter.
Honk honk! All aboard the strugglebus, friends because this game was pretty gross. I’ll be your driver for the evening as the kind folks here at DOY have allowed me to recap the steaming pile of ass that was this game.
You know that feeling you had yesterday when the Bruins won and Tuukka got a shut out? Yeah, this game was pretty much the opposite of that right down to the final score. The Bruins couldn’t get things going tonight at all and every time they tried there was a horde of disgusting Washington Capitals in their way. Braden Holtby ended up with a nice shutout after making some pretty spectacular saves, but Tuukka Rask was pretty phenomenal himself and is for the most part the reason that the final score was only 2-0. God bless you, you strange Finnish angel.
The Bruins pretty much struggled from the first puck drop if I’m being honest here. Early in the game Adam McQuaid flattened Jason Chimera and everyone was all “OOOOH MOMENTUM CHANGER” but hey, guess what? That did a whole pile of nothing as the Bruins continued to play the first period as if they’d been encased in cement and given horse tranquilizers.
Adam McQuaid checks Jason Chimera pic.twitter.com/ayPn4d9RZ1
— Weekend at Bergy’s (@weekendatbergys) March 16, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsWhile it was a pretty impressive hit, as I said before it didn’t change any momentum or whatever those hits are supposed to do. I don’t know. Make you all wet in the jibblybits or something. The Capitals scored their first goal of the evening while on the power play after Brad Marchand took offense to a hit on Ryan Spooner by human garbage pile Tom Wilson. 
I’m pretty torn on that little scrap between Marchand and Wilson to be honest. I get that you protect your guy or whatever, but that wasn’t a bad hit and retaliating led to the Capitals goal.?_(?)_/? Later on in the game, Ovechkin took a shot to what the announcers called his “lower midsection” but really the shot hit the guy in his lower nether regions. You know what I mean. Straight. Up. WEINER.
Right. In. The. Dingleberries. https://t.co/N7Krc4SHma? Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) March 16, 2015
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Being that I don’t have those boy parts, I can’t imagine what that must have felt like, but I can assume it most definitely didn’t tickle. Poor Future Ovechkids.
Another bullshit thing that happened in this game is that Patrice Bergeron, all around nice guy and friend to small animals, took a nasty crosscheck to the face that didn’t get called. Now, had the ref not been looking in his exact direction this would have been one of those “open your eyes, you asshole!” moments, but guess where the ref was looking, friends? Yep. Right in his general direction. If you want to see this facsimile of a sham for yourself, you’ll have to click here as I cannot find a gif of it online anywhere.
(Okay, so I only checked twitter.)
(Shut up.)
Legal pic.twitter.com/QwPIoHDjje
— Chris Abraham (@CrzyCanucklehed) March 16, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsThis little Mike Green fuckup was hilarious and if you missed it live I’m sorry.
GIF: Hilariously embarrassing sequence for Mike Green. Whiff + interference + dive. pic.twitter.com/t6V9SkdGMv
— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) March 16, 2015
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Never change, Mike Green. Keep fighting the good fight, you turdball.
Closer to the end of the game, Holtby decided to use his rather ample posterior to deliver a present to Milan Lucic.
GIF: Lucic gets boxed out by Holtby, plus a little extra from Niskanen pic.twitter.com/wbhsJFcbKE
— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) March 16, 2015
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsNow, that little buttcheck was not the problem in that situation. The stick to the face by Niskanen after the fact? That’s a problem. I don’t give a shit if it’s just Milan Lucic and you hate him and bloo bloo bloo whatever, that shit’s not necessary. I hate it when the Bruins do stupid garbage like that (don’t give me that look, yes they fucking do) and I hate it when other teams do it too. 
-Tuukka Rask. -I’m also in love with the LucSpoonPasta line. If that’s what we’re calling them. I don’t really know. I just like them. They weren’t as effective tonight, but they weren’t a major issue and they played relatively well all things considered. Pastrnak and Spooner continue to impress me and while I’m not the world’s biggest Lucic fan, I’m starting to warm up to the idea of him on this line with those little ones. 
-Tuukka Rask. -Tuukka Rask? Tuukka Rask. 
-Shit Bidet was in fine form tonight. You’ll notice that I didn’t mention the Capitals second goal above. That’s because it fits firmly into this section. Nate Schmidt scored the second goal of the night but it should have actually been credited to Gregory Campbell as it was tipped in by His Royal Highness, Prince Shit Bidet of Buttfarthamshire himself. 
-Why would you do this Clode? Why? Think of my poor heart. I can’t handle much more of this fourth line in with mere minutes left, Clode. If my sad little heart doesn’t affect you, think of the children. They don’t need to be exposed to nasty things like this:
How about no pic.twitter.com/I9pUuVc7pd
— Pete Blackburn (@PeteBlackburn) March 16, 2015
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-This entire night was pretty terrible, but this was probably the worst thing of my evening:
Not only did the Sabres not answer that Lucic hit on Miller, you can actually trace the downward spiral of BUF to that exact moment.
— Jack Edwards (@RealJackEdwards) March 16, 2015
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The hottest of takes.
-Will the Bruins ever win a game ever again? Is the apocalypse nigh? Is now the time to climb on the drama llama and ride that fucker into the sunset? Do you understand that I’m poking fun at people who freak out about losing a single game?
-Max Talbot looks like The Hound from Game of Thrones. That is not a question. That is a fact.
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