Ladies and gentlemen, we have an epidemic on our hands. It’s incredibly serious, absolutely demoralizing, and, worst of all, highly contagious. Quarterbacks around the NFL are popping up left and right with this devastating affliction, and our only hope is that someone discovers a cure… soon.
What I’m obviously talking about is good old Joey Blue Skies’ left hand up there. Does that look like the hand of a world class athlete? Does that look like the hand of someone who could take the NFL by storm and lead your organization to glory? Does that look like the hand of a gridiron warrior? Of course not. It looks undeveloped, unathletic, and womanly. When I look at that hand, the first word that pops into my head is “sissy,” and it looks like he spent an hour right before this game getting pampered at a day spa and spending 30 bucks on a manicure. Just look at the expression on his face there- you can tell how embarrassed he is about his left hand.
This terrible disease is unnamed at this point, but allow me to make a suggestion: the Joey Hand. I was actually the biggest Joey Harrington supporter this side of the Mississippi, but it’s time for me to come to my senses and realize that he fell short in the Man Categories that are so important in the NFL. It’s been well documented that he would rather play the piano and drink wine than play air guitar to Led Zeppelin and drink beer. To each his own, right? I’m sure that he was not the first to be stricken with the Joey Hand and he certainly won’t be the last, but he is definitely the face of the disease.
Here are some other NFL quarterbacks with the Joey Hand. It’s my hope that by bringing attention to this relatively unknown affliction, some how, some way our great country’s top minds will come up with a cure and eliminate it for good. Keep hope alive and never, ever give up. If you believe it, you can achieve it. Your attitude determines your altitude.
Eli Manning
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Mark Sanchez
Matthew Stafford
Jay Cutler
Matt Ryan
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