My Blog Letter to Tiger Woods

As you may or may not know, NBA player Ron Artest wrote on his blog a couple days ago an indirect letter to Tiger Woods.  The letter was Artest’s way of showing his love for the golfer, despite the rocky road he may be on.  Well, it has inspired me to write a letter to Tiger Woods, too.  I really want Tiger to know how I feel and that I’m standing behind him in his time of need.  This is for you Tiger:

Dear Eldrick (can I call you Eldrick?),

In reading the statements on your website, I can immediately tell you were sitting down when you typed them.  I’m really impressed with some of the big words you used.  Did you have a thesaurus handy?  Please remember that only Billy Chapel in “For Love of the Game” is perfect. In case you didn’t know, you made a mistake and you admitted your transgessions and infidelity.  You’re not perfect.

And who are we kidding? Neither am I.  I have made similar mistakes as you.  When I was younger, I tried to pet all the animals at the zoo and I took both the ACT and SAT in high school.  I currently have zero kids, but I plan on having seven.  Did I tell you that I watch a lot of reality TV?  Survivor, Real World, Jersey Shore, and… Everybody Loves Raymond.  I’m not sure why that’s in there; that’s just a good show.  Guilty pleasures, nonetheless.

My wife is a much better wife than I am.  We still argue about who is going to do the dishes, take out the garbage, and fold the snuggies after we’re done watching television.  I still cope with the fact that she adores Matthew McConaughy and the Twilight movies, but I choose to stay loyal.

I’m home every night, but I sometimes wish I was out at a bar or at a techno club banging heads with the fellas.  Most of the time, I stay in because I realize I get terribly uncomfortable in crowded rooms.

I can’t sit here and admit the thought to have many women has never crossed my mind, but I’m not that good looking or famous enough to pull it off.  If I were Ashton Kutcher, I could.

I blog for the same reason you golf — because I’m the fucking best.  I work hard at it just like you do at building your legacy.  I’m disturbed by all this because many people want to see you suffer and see your perfect teeth chipped.  In fact, I think I read that Steve Phillips and David Letterman called you scum between their toes.  Somewhere Shawn Kemp is shaking his head.

I thought your mistress count was at just one, until I read the news every succeeding day.  It’s now 15, eh?  Clinton Portis is impressed, but Shania Twain has that song that says she’s not impressed much.  This is your first publicly known issue since you started your career (besides that GQ interview back in the day).  If people cared about my private life, that’d probably be sixteen less than me.

I have always imitated your fist pump on the golf course and you’ve been the perfect role model for me, with the exception of Danny Tanner in ‘Full House’ and Richard Belding. As your fan, I can’t wait to see you compete again on the golf course and not over how many affairs you can have before it all spills out to the media.  Us bloggers know how much you personally love women, but we especially enjoy your golfing ability.

Call me, we’ll talk about it,

Bob Biscigliano