Dr. Mantis Toboggan will be joining us every Thursday late night to answer questions submitted by you, the readers! All letters will be delivered by the stereotypical looking mailman (seen above), escorted by a chiseled, and shirtless, black man with a beard wearing backwards Chicago Bulls shorts (also seen above). Dr. Taboggan will try to answer 10 questions each week, but seeing as this is a new feature and we didn’t receive 10 letters this week, Dr. Toboggan will only answer six this week. In the future, you can send any questions, about anything at all, to [email protected]. (Yeah, we know those are called e-mails and not letters).
Tim (Grand Blanc, MI): Why hasn’t Detroit4lyfe endorsed “Jersey Shore” on its blog? I’m somewhat disappointed that we haven’t seen anything, not even a peep, on “Jersey Short.”
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: That’s a good question, Tim. I was tripping balls on acid and stumbled across a rerun of the premiere one night and saw my long-lost daughter, Snooki. I immediately reached out to Bob here on D4L and asked him to do a special post on the show to get the word out that it’s epic. Bob apparently has a ‘situation’ going on down around his tiny penis and didn’t want people to get confused. That’s my best guess as to why he refuses to bring it up.
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Ian (Washington, D.C.): Boise St. is ranked number 2 preseason in SI. If they run the table next year will they hold that ranking over an undefeated team from the SEC or Big 12 or will they be fucked over again and held out of the title game?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: That’s a good question, Ian. Your last name isn’t Johnson is it? Heh. The small schools like Boise, TCU, and Blue Mountain State are going to continuously get shat on by the current BCS system. What college football needs is a playoff system, or hot chicks wearing nothing and representing teams in a mud wrestling contest. Then Boise St. might have a chance.
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Beef Strong (Midland, TX): Is it gay or cool to own a Dick Towel?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: That’s a good question, Beef Strong. Let me answer your question with another question. Do you think it’s cool? Because if you think it’s cool, then that’s all that matters … or something gay like that.
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Andre (On the computer): Will big Joey D make a move by the trade deadline? Or does he wait until free agency?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: That’s a good question, Andre. I don’t really follow the NBA, but I’ll take a stab. I think there are a lot of tall guys to be had that can help the Pistons. I went to a Pistons game recently and I’m kind of hoping Dumars trades the Spare Tires before anyone else. I nearly vomitted all the beer I drank before the game when I saw them roll onto the court. There is nothing less appetizing or entertaining than a dozen obese men dancing with their shirts off. I guess some people find that funny, but if I wanted to see something jiggle, I’d take my shirt off and look in the mirror.
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Marty (Zilwaukee): If you had to have either a flaming gay son or the village slut as a daughter, what would you choose?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: That’s a good question, Marty. I’m not sure if anyone would ever want to have a kid with me, but I’d probably prefer the slutty daughter. Assuming she looks anything like me, nobody will want to touch her with a 10-foot cardboard cut out of Tiger Woods’ penis. And if they do, well, sucks for that dude.
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Amber (Winston Salem, NC): What do you think about the whole Conan/Leno/NBC saga?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: That’s a good question, Amber. If the size of Jay Leno’s chin represented his douchiness, his chin just got a lot bigger. And if NBC’s ratings this past week represented how much people hate them, then people hate them a lot more than usual. Seriously though, it was a greedily-genius move by NBC if you think about it. Their ratings have been through the roof and will continue to be through the Olympics as a result of all this. Conan can’t work until September, so the people who love him will have nothing better to do once the Olympics are over, but watch Leno and make fun of him (but they’re still watching and that’s all NBC cares about). NBC figures they’ll forget by September and then shit returns to normal.
To be honest, Conan’s ratings weren’t that great, despite the amount of support he’s receiving through all this bullshit. This was a dirty, dirty design, not some unfortunate scheduling mishap, though — a smart business move, bad people move. I just hope I’ll be able to find work again as the masturbating bear with my massive dong after all this.
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