Webster Missed This One: Hate/Respect is Back

Editor’s Note: This goes back to D4L’s hayday when we were banging out posts on the dot blogspot and we were getting critiqued by our mothers during supper.  Now we’re bigger and badder, I think more than our mom’s read us, and we’re still bringing you the same good ol’ material.  Enjoy this classic edition of hate/respect by the new Bubba Perkins!

hate/respect (hāt·ri·spekt):

(verb),

to have a healthy appreciation or admiration for a person, team, sport, place, object, or idea that, at the same time, invokes intense and unwavering unhappy feelings.

This idea was introduced to me by the venerable Chip Stevenson. After having a dream about it, and waking up in a cold sweat, I contacted Bob Biscigliano via Twitter about the column. He informed me that, with Chip’s blessing, the column was mine. So, get ready for a whole new generation of HATE/Respect.

Here’s what you need to know: I am an NBA fanatic, I hate college basketball with a passion, and I am a Colorado native who loves the Nuggets and Rockies. I live in Charlotte, so you can bet that you are going to learn more about the Charlotte Bobcats than you ever wanted to know. Deal with it. I am not as funny as @Jesus_M_Christ, but I’m getting there. And we’re off…

… The New Orleans Saints. For everything I like about the Saints, there is an equal and opposite thing going on that really grinds my gears, America. Drew Brees simultaneously needs both a haircut and some Rogaine — but damn if he can’t throw the ball and score touchdowns. Reggie Kardashian (er, Reggie Bush) needs the love of Ray J, consistency, and a ton of street cred — but he could do this on that one play you miss because you were in the bathroom. Jeremy Shockey is the definition of white trash (there is no doubt in my mind that he is a Britney Spears / Kid Rock baby), and yet Jonathan Vilma is the man (I don’t need a link for that. He’s the man). This team is one big fat HATE/Respect hypocrisy — and then you throw in the whole Katrina thing. …So who did I want to win the Super Bowl? The Colts.

… NASCAR. When Chip popped this post’s cyber cherry, way back when I was in grammar school (I’m now 14. Hi Mom! I’ll come eat those pizza rolls real soon.), he blasted NASCAR. Sorry buddy, but living in the heart of NASCAR country myself, I can’t help but HATE/Respect it. I hate it, because it sucks. Cars driving in circles while Bubba drinks beer and feels up his third cousin? Come on. But I respect it, because there is a reason Jimmie Johnson has won so many times. Everybody has the same car, they are on the same track, and Jimmie wins every year. And of course, NASCAR started as a booze-running scheme. Oh, and NASCAR makes mad change. Respec’.

… How Local Television Commercials Are Louder Than National Commercials. Local television commercials suck. (So do the remix versions). And have you noticed that the volume is always louder on them than on the national ones? Mucho HATE —  although that is ending soon. But as a business owner, I can respect the need to get your message out, and I can respect a salesman who is trying to do his thing, however miserably. If I’m ever in Montgomery and I need a couch…

… The SEC. The New York Yankees of the South. I’m not a real southerner, so I don’t care that the SEC is the way rednecks tell Abraham Lincoln to shove it. And I hate how SEC Football shuts down the world below the Mason-Dixon Line on Saturdays in the fall (when we all know the Mountain West is the coolest college football conference out there). What’s more, I hate that SEC basketball is becoming prominent, when we all know college basketball is a wasteland of no-talent ass clowns (sorry, this guy. And this guy. And this guy. And this guy. And this guy. And…well…you get the idea.). But… then there’s this. And this.And this. So, I have to respect the SEC (a little).

… Gregg Popovich. Fuck him. As a Nuggets fan, I hate this guy and his ridiculously boring, sleazy team full of cheaters. It’s sweet revenge every time the Nuggets destroy San Antonio. But at the same time, with four ‘ships in ten years, I’d say he has earned a modicum of respect…even from bitter people like me. Coincidentally, this was one of the best days of my life. The best part? Devin Brown’s face at the 4:37 mark. Watch closely.

… Fouls At The End of NBA Games. This was one of Chip’s HATE/Respect points in the initial post, and I completely agree. It’s boring to watch Z-Bo foul Jared Jeffries with the Grizzlies down 13 and 24.9 seconds left on the clock. Of course, as we have just learned, when you foul properly and make your shots, it definitely works.

… Dogs. And not just my dog, but your dog, too. Right when you sit down, your dog gives you the “I gotta poop” look. And you get up, go outside, and stand in the sleet for fifteen minutes while he sniffs around for the ideal spot. HATE. Then you come inside, sit on the couch, pick up the laptop, and before you can put it on you lap, he curls up on you without asking. Respect. I can respect an animal that can make you live on his shitting/sleeping/eating schedule without needing to speak. Mad respect.

So who do you HATE/Respect? Let me know; If nothing else, it makes my job easier because I can steal topics from readers and pass them off as my own. Next up, I’m thinking Kobe Bryant, Pete Carroll, WalMart, Canada, and hockey.