Dr. Mantis Toboggan will be joining us every week to answer questions submitted by you, the readers! In the future, you can send any questions, about anything at all, to [email protected] .
Pete (Clio, MI): Hot topic around Tigers town: Johnny Damon. Thoughts?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: If he signs a one year contract, I’ll chub up. I’ll allow two years on two conditions: 1.) He goes back to the caveman look. 2.) We get a World Series guarantee. Anything less and we get to publicly decapitate him and donate all his hair to a local charity.
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Smith (Longwood, Florida): There’s been an abundance of penis floating around the internet. Will lil’ Mantis ever make the rounds, inducing a public apology?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: Let’s get two things straight. The internet is not big enough to contain my massive dong. And I would never, ever, in a million years apologize for giving people the privilege of seeing me nude. Why Greg Oden and George Hill felt they needed to apologize is beyond me.
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Ty (Vancouver): Did you see this joke who forgot to take off his skate guards and had to crawl back to the bench?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: I’ve seen it now and wow, that’s embarrassing. Here’s a true story and one probably equally as embarrassing. When I played squirt league, I once missed an entire first period because I had a massive pre-game case of diarrhea. I don’t care what anyone says: cookie crisp, a 10-year old’s digestive system, and 5 AM games don’t freaking mix.
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Beaux (Baton Rouge): What do you think of the Saints winning the Super Bowl?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: Seriously, good for them and that city. Who Dat. But for all those people who are so short sighted that they automatically think Peyton Manning is a choke artist and doesn’t belong in the GOAT talks are seriously stupid. I mean, the way he executes all those commercials is phenomenal.
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Dennis (Royal Oak): What do you think of Google Buzz?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: It has some sewious potential, but I’m just not that into it. Sorry Google, but Twitter beat you to the punch on revolutionary social media. Get bent and stay out of my Gmail.
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Rick (Big Apple): Is Lebron James staying in Cleveland or what?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: This question never gets old. No, seriously STFU. If they win the ‘ship, or come within a couple games of it even, he stays. 100%. If they get upset in the first or second round, I think there’s a slight chance he goes elsewhere. It depends on how competitive the series is. If it’s truly embarrassing, it’ll be more likely that he leaves. I just don’t see it happening. BTW — he’s not human.
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Judge (Court): What’s the verdict on who the Lions draft?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: Let’s deliberate. Maybe we should stick with this lovely theme we have going here and go with Suh? Seriously, they really can’t go wrong with Suh or Gerald McCoy. The process should be pretty easy, actually. Seek out Matt Millen and ask him for his “expert” opinion. Pick the opposite. That system would be flawless.
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Inquisitive (Smellville, GA): With Valentine’s Day coming up, I figured I’d ask you a couple serious questions in one. When is it okay to fart in front of your significant other? And if you’re already in that comfortable stage, is it cool if I break wind in her presence on the grandest of Hallmark Holidays?
Dr. Mantis Toboggan: Lettin’ one rip is always touch and feel, or in this case what I like to call, ‘fart and see.’ It pretty much depends on how cool your girl is. If she’s real and understands it’s a normal, bodily function, then it’d be detrimental to your health to keep it bottled up. If you have one of those girls who doesn’t think you burp, fart, or poop then you might as well get used to doing your best to hold it all in, and ruin all trust in the relationship. Also, get a dog so you have a scapegoat for the ‘one’ that got away.
Of course, there are always exceptions to the anything goes rule: Never discharge flatulence on Valentine’s Day or while 69’ing. It’s just not romantic, man.
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