hate/respect (hāt·ri·spekt):
(verb),
to have a healthy appreciation or admiration for a person, team, sport, place, object, or idea that, at the same time, invokes intense and unwavering unhappy feelings.
Now that the new generation of HATE/Respect is successfully re-integrated into D4L, it’s time for round two. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Bubba Perkins is back. And today, alllll I’m talking about is the National Hockey League, suckers!
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Now I know that I’m at odds with Bob and the gang at D4L on this one. Bob is a hockey fanatic and follows the NHL like his first-born son is involved. Well sorry Bob, I loved the work you’ve done with your curveball, but I HATE hockey. The NHL has failed to capitalize on their opportunities, at least in my NBA-centric (and fairly limited) brain. There’s quite a few problems with it, so allow me to outline my case before you go all Chris Pronger on me, bitches.
…Irrelevant (and stupid) team locations. The NHL has recently put teams in Phoenix, Tampa, Nashville, Atlanta, Miami, Dallas (which left the hockey mecca that is Minnesota. Minnesota!!), and Guadalajara (ok, just kidding about that). But in quite a few of these cities, a majority of the people have never touched a hockey puck, seen a game, or even skated in their entire lives. So they go to a game, think it’s cool, but can’t relate to it, and they don’t come back. That’s bad for business.
I watched this exact thing happen when I was a lad in Denver. The Avalanche came by for a sleepover, made a nice little run (how’s this shit taste, Bob Biscigliano?), won some Cups, and then people stopped showing up because they realized that the hockey buzz wore off, and they didn’t know shit about the game. This season, the Avalanche are pretty fucking talented – let’s call ’em the Nuggets of the NHL – and guess where they rank in attendance? Yeahhhhh….. Putting hockey teams in non-hockey towns, some of which have winter average temperature highs in the 70s? HATE – and plain stupid.
…Hockey has some un-marketable players, I’ll tell ya what. Besides that fuck-twat who committed assault on the Avalanche’s Steve Moore, every other player is named something way too Swedish, like Alfredsson. For a change of pace, let’s call a fuckin’ guy Satan. The guys aren’t American, most have never played in America until they hit the NHL, they come from Swedish or Russian super-leagues, and a lot of them (even the “stars”) won’t hesitate to go back. How do you market that to American kids, who are used to Kobe, LeBron, TO, and Brandon Inge (happy, Bob?). HATE.
…Hockey has some bad rules. The game is way too defensive (pronounced: boring) — or, at least it used to be. I remember going to an Avalanche game in middle school that ended in a 0-0 tie. I remember going to another one in high school with the first girl I {REDACTED}, and we missed the only goal of the game because the drunk guy sitting in front of us stood up three seconds before the shot went in. Fuck his life. The force must have been strong in him, too. When you have to catch juuuuuust the right second to watch the one goal of a game? HATE… with a little bit of HATE for the John Daly in front of me, too.
Stupid enough to try again, I returned during my college years with the first girl who let me {REDACTED} her {REDACTED} with my {REDACTED}, and what happened? 0-0 tie and no fights. Dude, what the fuck? And today, the game has been bastardized the complete other way – I don’t want to see a team get their brains beat in 9-1. If I wanted that, I’d follow the Coppin State University Baseball team (heartbreaking, here and here). Verdict? HATE. With some Respect for that college girlfriend (not her, but close)…
…Nice job bungling that TV Deal, Bettman. Remember that time ESPN showed a hockey game? No? Me neither. How the hell can you get to know your favorite hockey teams if you gotta hunt down the Versus network, or check the one weekend game on NBC each month, to watch? What the fuck is Versus? Do I even have Versus? Guess what – I don’t care enough to find out. HATE.
…The game is foreign to people on so many levels. You grow up shooting baskets with your older brother. You played catch with your dad in the front yard. You goosed your mother under center for the ol’ quarterback sneak (Anybody? Anyone? No? Just me? Ok.)… But how many of you not named Gordon Bombay went in the backyard with your dad and shot hockey pucks into the garbage can?
You probably weren’t the best basketball player in the world. But you at least, on some level, know what a basketball feels like, how it feels to shoot a basket, and what it is to dribble the ball. When you see Melo dunk on some candy-ass Pistons player, you can kind of relate (in a way). Hell yes I sucked at basketball. But at least I know what it feels like to score, defend, and dribble the ball.
The same can’t be said for so many people (especially those in southern cities) in regards to hockey. I’ve never been on ice, I’ve never ice skated, and I don’t know what it feels like to shoot a puck towards the goalie. So when I see Satan do it, I don’t have anything to compare it to – was that a good play? Can they all do that? Is Crovechkin any good? How do I know?
When you can’t personally relate to a sport, it’s difficult to pick it up and consistently follow it. When you have nothing with which to compare, how do you even know if it’s any good? …especially when the ticket prices are exorbitant.
…The Ticket Prices. I know the NBA has some ridiculous ticket prices. Just ask me how I felt shelling out $350 to take one of Charlotte’s lovely sisters from JCSU to a Bobcats game, after which she failed to {REDACTED} any part of my {REDACTED}. That hurts. But the ‘Cats are back in the Queen City, and we’ll see if I can’t outdo myself…
But honestly, to piggy-back the ticket price issue on some of the above points: if you can’t relate to the sport, you’ve never personally experienced it, you aren’t sure if the players are good, it’s mis-marketed, the players are unrecognizable, the teams are in the wrong cities, the rules of the game suck, AND the ticket prices are high? Strike 9, you’re out!!
So what do I respect about hockey? This won’t be as long as what I hate about it, but it’s no less sincere. Seriously, it’s really fucking tough. Pound for pound, it may be the most physically demanding sport in America. Between strength, stamina, finesse, balance, power, and endurance, hockey players are insanely gifted athletes. The physiological abilities hockey players possess are sick. The focus, concentration and reaction times for goalies are ridiculous (as well as some of the goalies themselves). And skating while you’re doing it? Yep – that’s a recipe for bad ass.
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