Now if there’s one thing in this world that’s as American as NASCAR, Taco Bell, and Wal-Mart, it’s baseball. Texas Ranger is gonna be a star pitcher one day just like Roger Clemens, and I don’t care if he has to take elephant dick steroids to do it. I make over 20 million dollars a year making Jeff Gordon look like the pussy that he is, and I need to put that money to good use.
Last year I was named the most-hated driver in NASCAR, on a count of I like to put stupid idiots into the wall at 200 miles an hour. I heard from this gay newspaper that they made a list of the most-hated teams in baseball, so I checked it out. Turns out, they totally fucked it up. Like bad. This list is worse than gay Frenchman Girard and his man puppet parading around like a couple of queer bunny rabbits with funny accents. ESPN tried to explain how this company made the list, but they’re wrong anyway. Let me show you how this thing shakes AND BAKES out. The teams everybody loves are on the top, like my wife Carly when I get home from a race, while the assholes are down on the bottom where they belong.
Ed.: Check out Ricky Bobby’s take on the Nielsen list after the jump…
San Francisco Giants: There’s so many queers in San Francisco it’ll make your eyes cross and turn the sky rainbow-colored. There’s no way this shit would happen if I was in charge.
Oakland Athletics: They’re still in gay range. Still need to be nuked.
Colorado Rockies: Them Coors commercials are pretty funny, so I guess that’s why these people like them. I hate ’em.
St. Louis Cardinals: Budweiser’s headquarters are in St. Louis, no wonder everybody loves this team.
San Diego Padres: San Diego is full of Mexicans, I don’t know why they have a baseball team. They might win in stickball league, or in the mow-your-grass league, but not in the Major Leagues.
Tampa Bay Rays: Have you seen the fake tits in Florida? The sweet Baby Jesus would be in baby formula heaven down there.
Minnesota Twins: I heard their new stadium is cool. Too bad my house is still bigger.
Detroit Tigers: Their manager probably has enough lung cancer for the entire city, but somehow they still like him.
Arizona Diamondbacks: It’s so hot down there the girls are probably naked at the games. I’d be happy if I was there too.
Atlanta Braves: When your manager is famous for getting in fights with umpires, you’re gonna be well-liked.
Los Angeles Angels: Any owner that lowers beer prices should be well-liked. Even if he is a dirty Mexican.
Florida Marlins: Their mascot is a giant fish. I don’t eat much fish (other than in the bedroom) but I’m ok with them.
Philadelphia Phillies: I’ve been at NASCAR races all my life, and I’ve never seen bigger hicks (and bigger chicks) than at a Phillies game.
Milwaukee Brewers: Maybe they would be first if they gave everybody free beer.
Seattle Mariners: What’s a Mariner? That sounds like something Girard does at night to his man toy.
Chicago Cubs: These assholes haven’t won anything in 100 years. Sweet Baby Jesus, even Danica Patrick won a race once.
Kansas City Royals: This team blows more than that Canadian queer Crosby at a reach-around party.
Texas Rangers: Why is my son on this list? Oh wait, that’s the team. Never mind.
Toronto Blue Jays: Why is Canada even a country? Can’t I just buy it so I can go hunting up there? Maybe we’ll leave Chip for dead in the woods somewhere.
Pittsburgh Pirates: This is a team?
Los Angeles Dodgers: How do you hate a team with fans like this?
Cal’s gonna spank it to this later.
New York Mets: The Yankees suck beca… wait, this isn’t the Yankees? Oh, never mind.
Baltimore Orioles: I think Chip is from Baltimore. That explains why they suck.
Chicago White Sox: The other Chicago team hasn’t won in 100 years, and people still like them better? Oh, that’s why.
Washington Nationals: Our president is in Washington, so that’s why everybody hates this team.
New York Yankees: This is Ricky Bobby’s team, because George Steinbrenner lives like I do. If you ain’t first, you’re last. Looks like these assholes are last on this list.
Houston Astros: I’d hate me if I lived in Houston too.
Cincinnati Reds: Everybody hates Ohio. Even Ohio hates Ohio.
Boston Red Sox: Have you heard these shitbrains talk? No asshole, I don’t drive a CAAAHHH. It’s a car. Learn English or go back to Mehjico.
Cleveland Indians: That lake is so toxic I’m surprised they don’t have webbed feet. It’s worse than Cal when he gets the shits after eating a Double Down.
Oh well, I hope you poor assholes learned something. Make sure you watch me piss excellence in this weekend’s NASCAR race.
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